


The Flowers of Sin

by WhatIsTheSkyWithoutSomeClouds



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Age Alteration, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Creepy Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Death, Delusions, Disturbing Themes, Emotional Manipulation, Fucked Up, High School, I hope, I lied Levi is very ooc lol but it's okay, I mainly remade him into my own character so sorry?, Jaeger not Yeager, Jealous Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mikasa and Eren aren't adoptive siblings, Murder, Obsessive Behavior, Obsessive Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Obsessive Love, One-Sided Attraction, Paranoia, Plotty, Possessive Behavior, Possessive Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Psychological, Psychological Thriller, Sexual Assault, Stalking, The Author Regrets Nothing, The Deep Web, Unrequited Love, Yandere Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), but he still has some old traits I promise, but like a realistic yandere, distorted views of love, hanji not hange, junior!Eren, junior!Levi, not your typical yandere fic, ooc!levi, or so i hope, senior!Erwin, the Levi/Petra is only a tiny bit in the first chapter when they're kids, trying to update once a week, will update tags as I continue, working hard to make this a decent story lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-05
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2018-11-09 05:52:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 24
Words: 46,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11098254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhatIsTheSkyWithoutSomeClouds/pseuds/WhatIsTheSkyWithoutSomeClouds
Summary: “I have little left in myself -- I must have you. The world may laugh -- may call me absurd, selfish -- but it does not signify. My very soul demands you: it will be satisfied, or it will take deadly vengeance on its frame.” -Charlotte Brontë, Jane EyreLevi grew up in a world consumed by romance, longing to one day feel that same sensation in his heart. Once he finds that special person, he is convinced that fate dictates their destiny to be together, and presents himself with the duty to achieve that future. In his misshapen mindset, this is what love is.-Previously called "Ally of Sin" but title is still liable to change-DISCLAIMER: I do not own Attack on Titan or its characters.





	1. Crossed Paths

When Levi was in fifth grade, a girl asked him out on a date.

Her name was Petra. She stood a good few inches shorter than him, a small relief when most of his classmates already seemed to tower over him. Her dirty blond hair fell to her shoulders in waves, and her eyes were a warm honey-brown. Pretty and popular among the boys in the class. After school, she approached Levi with a shy smile and invited him to a new movie that was playing. Aware of the jealous glares but not knowing what else to do, he accepted.

That Saturday, his Uncle Kenny drove him to the theater and dropped him off. Confused, Levi asked him why he wasn’t coming with them. Kenny replied with a dry chuckle, a shake of the head, and a push through the door. Petra stood there in a yellow sundress, her hair neatly combed, grinning as she caught sight of Levi.

“It’s just us? Where’re your parents?” Levi asked, glancing around. Petra furrowed her brows and giggled.

“‘Course it’s just us, it’s a date, silly.” With that, she grabbed his wrist and they ran to the concessions booth.

The movie was a lame romcom, and Levi found himself getting bored less than halfway through. He looked around the theater, not surprised at all the couples, but at the way they were acting: cuddled up against each other, fingers intertwined. One girl rested her head on her boyfriend’s shoulder, occasionally giving him a loving look. In return, he’d stroke her hand with his own and kiss her on the top of the head. Levi stared from a few seats over, watching with fascination as they leaned against one another in such comfort, such reliance…

A gasp from Petra forced his eyes back to the screen. The two main characters had apparently reunited and were embracing. Levi didn’t look away as their lips met, arms wrapped around each other. He looked at the couple in the theater to see them smiling, then at Petra to see her blushing. Curiously, he rested his hand on top of hers, imitating the others. She flinched and glanced at him before flushing even more and leaning her weight into his. He expected to feel happy, but her body felt awkward at his side and his hand felt too clammy to be covering hers. He didn’t get it.

After the movie ended, while they waited to be picked up, Petra turned to face him, gazing down sheepishly.

“This was a lot of fun, Levi,” she said, lifting her head to meet his gaze. “Really romantic. I hope we can do it again someday.”

Levi noticed the way she was leaning in, and he froze in place. Petra closed her eyes and pecked him swiftly on the lips before pulling back, face beet-red. Levi wrinkled his nose and wiped his hand across his mouth, uncaring of her reaction. It was gross. He really didn’t get it.

At dinner that night, Levi watched what was playing on TV. His uncle had the channel set to some teen romance. His food lay untouched as he tried to understand the touches, the looks, the craze behind those feelings.

“What’s eating ya, kiddo?” Kenny asked. Levi met his eyes, watching him set down the beer bottle.

“Why do people care so much about that?” He pointed at the TV. A boy and a girl were in the process of sucking each other’s faces.

“What, the lovey-dovey shit? Beats me. Prolly human instinct or somethin’ like that.” He grasped the bottle and took a gulp before sighing and setting it down again. “Why, you still thinking about your little date?”

Levi nodded. “She kissed me. It… wasn’t awful, I guess. Kinda gross, though. And I didn’t even ask her to.”

“Ha! Nobody asks anymore, kid. If you want something, you gotta go for it. That’s how all this romance shit works now.”

“But it didn’t feel right.” Weren’t couples supposed to want each other? On TV, in the movies, on the streets, all the couples he saw looked like they only cared about each other. Wasn’t it supposed to be like that?

“Then wait for the right person. You’ll find ‘em.”

“You never did.”

“Shut the hell up. You’ll find ‘em unless you wanna end up old and alone like me, haha.”

***

Petra went to a different middle school, so Levi didn’t see her again. He couldn’t say he wasn’t relieved. Still, he couldn’t escape the trailers for romance movies, the ads for dating sites, the clasped hands and attached lips that seemed to surround him. Each day, something new seemed to mock him. He watched enviously from the sidelines as people fell in and out of love, aching to know that experience, to just be a normal person.

The kids at school ignored him for the most part. His short stature remained with him, so he adopted a callous attitude to avoid any taunting. He didn’t know how to walk up to someone and become their friend. He didn’t know how to socialize. During lunch, he sat by himself in the hallway, staring down at his ripped jeans and tattered shoes. The isolation felt cold and heavy, sitting like a rock in his gut. Whenever he caught a glimpse of those couples, his chest began to hurt with a deep longing to just _understand_ that warm feeling.

On a trip to the library to pick up a history book, he found a novel in the romance section that was different from the rest. Its cover art was dark and foreboding, and as he skimmed the blurb on the back, words like “stalker” and “obsessed” stood out. He checked it out and read it at home. It was a tale of a man so in love, he had no choice but to hurt the object of his desires to get what he wanted.

Inexplicably drawn to the story, it became Levi’s favorite.

***

Levi remembered the day it happened, the first time he felt this feeling years later. He wrote the date on a slip of paper and taped it to his wall.

He was eating his typical lunch of a ham sandwich in his typical hallway when he heard shouting outside. It wasn’t too unexpected, since there were tables out there and some students chose to eat at them. Still, this voice was certainly that of an adult, and he found himself standing up, lunch in hand, and walking out the door.

Apparently, others had the same idea. A small crowd stood some feet back from where the teacher yelled up at the roof. He followed their gazes, eyes crawling up the wall to see…

There was a boy eating lunch on the roof. Levi squinted to get a better look, seeing the tan legs dangling off the edge, the pale green T-shirt hanging loosely from the boy’s frame, the blurry outlines of a bowl and a hand raising a spoon to a mouth.

“Jaeger! Get down from there! Students are not allowed on the roof!”

The boy ate one last spoonful before lowering his bowl and leaning out over the edge of the building. Levi saw the crowd tense. Jaeger cupped his hands over his mouth and shouted back down to the teacher.

“Alright, alright, I’ll be down in a sec!”

Levi stared at him as he rose to his feet, arms lifting above his head as he stretched. Against the bright blue sky, he stood confidently and without a hurry. His head turned as he took in the scenery from up high, the sun shining down onto his skin and making him glow.

“Jaeger!”

Jaeger flinched. “I’m coming, I’m coming.”

He mounted a ladder and climbed down. Levi didn’t take his eyes off of him as he reached the ground and approached the crowd. He was not too tall—only a couple inches above Levi himself. Up close, Levi could finally see his face, the smooth skin and fluffy brown hair atop it, and… his eyes. Green with flecks of gold, shining brightly with such powerful light that Levi had never seen before in a person. He stared, the teacher’s words and Jaeger’s replies lost on him, only focusing on those eyes, the beauty in them, the beauty of this person…

All too soon the talk was over and Jaeger was looking away, but just because Levi couldn’t see his eyes anymore didn’t mean he couldn’t gaze at the soft chestnut hair or let his eyes creep down the bared neck to the slim figure to the lean legs, which, he pondered, looked almost like a woman’s in their smoothness.

“Eren!” called a voice in the distance. The boy moved in the direction of the call.

 _Eren_ , Levi noted. A very nice name. He tested it out once he was alone, smiling as it rolled right off the tongue. In that moment, he became aware of the pounding of his heart, the rushing of his blood. It was exactly how the movies had shown it, precisely how his favorite book had described it. He wanted proof of this day, proof that he had finally found his person.

Before Eren completely vanished from his view, Levi opened his phone camera, zoomed in, and snapped a photo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first fic for SnK, one that I've been thinking about for a long time. I hope that the plot for this sails smoothly and that at least someone enjoys it, so I'll try not to update too late. Thank you for reading!! Feedback is appreciated. ^^


	2. Emeralds and Gold

Levi checked the photo of Eren everyday.

Shortly after taking it, he stored it in its own album, out of the sake of convenience. He let himself stare at it for a few minutes—it wasn’t the best picture, just a blurry image of Eren’s back, but his heart raced as he traced the outline of a slim midsection and bare neck. Mindlessly, he put a hand to his chest, feeling the rapid pounding against his palm.

The bell rang. Clutching his phone like a lifeline, Levi paced to his class. He lifted his head to glance around the room and found himself noting that Eren was not there, though he wasn’t sure if he was disappointed or relieved. He tried to concentrate on the smooth drag of graphite across paper, but the lines merged and twisted and broke. His blood was still racing, seeming to speed up every time green eyes flickered into thought. His phone felt heavier in his pocket.

After fifteen minutes of itching in his seat, Levi stood and walked quietly to the teacher’s desk. He looked away when she raised her eyes to him, unable to meet her gaze.

“May I… go to the restroom?” he asked, voice raspy.

The teacher nodded her permission. Levi slipped through the door and began a steady walk to the restroom at the end of the hall, his steps growing quicker and heavier as he approached. Inside, he promptly locked himself in a stall, pulled his phone from his pocket, and opened it to be greeted immediately by Eren’s vague figure. Levi zoomed in the most he could, trying to commit every feature to memory, as if this were a dream he’d soon wake up from.

Brown hair; very soft-looking, messy but not matted. Natural-looking tan skin. Well-built.

And of course, emerald eyes. Though he could not see those in this photo.

A wave of dizziness overcame him, and he leaned his head against the wall. His eyes slipped shut as he forced himself to ponder the films of grand romance, the clasped hands in the streets, the songs of infatuation. This feeling of a racing heart was a trademark aspect of falling in love, that much he knew. It was all anyone talked about. It made their eyes light up and cheeks redden and when they spoke of it, they sounded so happy. After conducting research, Levi had concluded that it was a key trait of being human. Every normal person would find their special person and be happy.

He screwed his eyes shut tighter as he worked to piece things together.

So then, with his beating heart and wide eyes, he finally felt what he’d sought for so long. He’d found his special person. That meant, of course, that his love story will begin. Since only Eren can make him feel this way, then surely only he can make Eren feel the same. Just like the stories. 

Satisfied with his conclusion, Levi stood and proudly marched back to his class. He smiled through it all, ignoring the stares of his classmates, knowing in his heart that they no longer mattered.

***

On the third day, Levi had lost the patience to open his phone before seeing the photo. He set it as his lock screen picture, and eventually his home wallpaper, too. He would check the image throughout the day, and every night he would stare at it again. It raised a strange mix of emotions within him: a sort of serenity entangled with exhilaration. Going about his day, he constantly reminded himself that he’d found his person, that everything would be okay. Despite this, though, he’d yet to actually meet Eren.

They didn’t share any classes, and Levi never saw him exit a room or meander around the campus. At first, he panicked. Was it a dream? A hallucination? No, it couldn’t have been. Eren must be on the other side of the school. It was okay, they would end up together, eventually. That was how it went.

Still, on a Tuesday afternoon, he ventured to the other side of the building and waited in the hall. He’d managed to creep out of the classroom early, so the halls were empty and the clock ticking. He stood in a corner that gave him a good view of all the doors in this area. To calm himself, he stole a quick glance at the photo.

Finally, the bell rang and students flooded out of the classrooms, noise filling the building. Levi straightened and looked around wildly, skimming over dozens of faces. His heartbeat picked up when his gaze locked on room number 12, a mop of messy brown hair caught in the flow of the crowd. He followed.

***

They stopped at a crosswalk a little distance from the school. On either side of Eren had walked two people: a tall girl with straight black hair and a bob-haired blonde with a slight build. They talked as they went, but Levi was too far behind to hear. From how close they stood, he guessed that they were Eren’s close friends.

Levi stopped as they stopped. The black-haired girl faced Eren and said something to him. Even from where he stood, Levi could see her tightly-drawn expressed, brows furrowed and lips pressed into a line. Eren raised his palms outward and spoke back. The blonde looked down at his watch, then up at the sky.

After a minute or so, the girl gave a stiff nod, turned, and started down the left sidewalk, the blonde quickly following suit. Eren set foot down the crosswalk on the right, Levi on his tail, trying to keep his footsteps and breath silent. Not long after, they came upon a bus stop, which Eren plopped down on. Levi wiped his sweaty hands on his jeans and sidled up to the seat beside him, lowering himself gradually. His blood roared in his ears.

Eren looked up at him. Levi’s heart rate spiked. Those striking green eyes burrowed into him, setting his nerves alight, stripping down his very being. He sat petrified, unable to look away. Yellow spots floated in the green irises, like gold—gold and emerald, how much is that worth? If he were to hold those eyes in the palm of his hand, would he strike it rich? Surely he would, for he’d never before set sight upon something so magnificent.

Abruptly, those eyes were torn away from him, consequently ripping him from his stupor. He paled. How long had he stared for? Time had eluded him. Was it a minute? 5? Would Eren refuse to talk to him? What then?

Agitated, he scanned Eren’s face from his peripheral vision. No, those plump lips were quirked at the edges. That was a good sign, he thought. It was okay. He pushed himself to his feet and set off in the direction of his house, forgetting all about the bus.

***

Levi rushed to his room when he got home, dodging his uncle’s inquiries. He grasped onto the bookshelf and searched the titles, latching onto a particular book, flipping through the pages. His eyes were watery and breathing shallow. Under his breath, he muttered “what now, what now” as if the question would slip his mind.

In the book, the main character and the love interest met and promptly began talking without a moment’s hesitation. Levi slammed the book shut out of frustration and ran his hands through his hair, peering back at the shelf. He reached forward and picked out a different book, the one sitting at the forefront—his favorite.

Ah, yes, he remembered now. In this tale, the main character continued to pursue his special person. With stone-cold determination that Levi had always admired, he chased his love without fail. But like the other stories, it began with an exchange of words.

That night, Levi worked hard on refining his conversational abilities. He locked eyes with himself in the mirror and recited line after line, continuing deep into the night. Before he went to bed, he snuck outside and plucked some flowers, placing them in a glass of water. He fell asleep with a smile and dreamed of chests filled with emeralds and gold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ehh, not gonna lie, I'm not entirely satisfied with this chapter, but oh well. I'll try to get in better control of the pacing, lololol. I also want to write longer chapters but that'll be difficult for me to do. Anyways, thank you for reading!! Feedback is appreciated.~


	3. Daisies

Levi woke facing the flowers.

They were just daisies—nothing too special, since he’d plucked them right from the backyard, but still beautiful in their simplicity. They still appeared lively, with vibrant colors and perky petals, rising proudly from the water. Briefly, Levi worried whether or not they’d be enough for Eren. Wasn’t it supposed to be roses? But the nearest flower shop was many miles away and school was in a little over an hour, so he dismissed the thought and pushed himself out of bed.

As usual, his uncle drove him to school. Levi stared mindlessly out the window, fingers wrapped around the glass of daisies like a vice. There was no music or radio in the car, only the dull rumble of the engine that under normal circumstances, Levi would immerse himself into, but there was no comfort to be found in anything today. As the scenery sped by, his stomach tightened into knots. He closed his eyes and tried counting his breaths, but the image of Eren’s stunning emerald eyes appeared behind his eyelids, and he found himself gazing outside again.

Kenny broke the silence, as he typically did. Levi wasn’t usually one to speak first.

“Who’s the flowers for, kid?” he drawled, voice gruff from what Levi assumed was a hangover.

He assessed his options. Was it appropriate for Kenny to know this early on? In the stories, the parents always found out later. If he told him now, surely it would be some sort of bad omen.

“For a project at school,” he mumbled, looking down. One of the petals had fallen off.

Kenny hummed, and for a moment, quiet had again blanketed the car. Then his uncle cleared his throat.

“Ya know Levi,” he began, “you can talk to me. I know I’m a lot different from those… other parents, and I haven’t always been so involved, but…” He trailed off, fingers tapping the steering wheel.

“Okay,” Levi said simply, uncaring. It’s true that Kenny was distant. His sister Kuchel had decided that she was unfit to be a mother and left her infant son at his doorstep with a half-assed explanation and a desperate request, and reluctantly, Kenny agreed. He never took Levi anywhere that wasn’t school and hardly got involved in his life. This never really bothered Levi; he quickly grew accustomed to being alone. He watched his peers mingle, not having a single clue how to join them, just as he’d observed couples and longed for their connection.

Kenny seemed to accept his declination, because he didn’t say a word for the rest of the ride.

***

Levi waited until the end of the day to approach Eren, since he only knew his last class. He stored the daisies in his locker, noting that when he opened it again, another petal had fallen off. He refilled the water from the bathroom sink and hurried to room 12, where he leant against the same wall, clutching the glass to his racing heart.

Once the bell rang, he straightened, scouring the crowd. As soon as he spotted the familiar brown hair, he rushed afterwards, following a few feet behind. If he were to reach out his hand, he could touch Eren’s back, or even his slim, tan neck. The thought made his breath pick up, and he took a second to inhale steadily through his nose.

Just as he’d done before, Eren walked a little ways from the school to the crosswalk. The girl and boy from before had met him at the foyer and walked by his side. Unable to stop himself, Levi stayed within ten feet of them, but they must not have thought anything of it because none of them gave so much as a glance backward. He could hear them converse about schoolwork, and his skin tingled every time he heard Eren speak in that melodious voice of his, like a songbird.

“Mikasa, did you get an extra copy of the homework for Browning’s? I forgot mine…”

Mikasa was the girl’s name, and Armin was the boy’s, as Levi had discovered from a similar snippet of chitchat.

“Yes. I figured you’d forget, Eren. You should be more careful.”

Mikasa’s voice was soft but stoney, nearly deadpan except for a few pitches in tone that would often go unnoticed. She always wore a red scarf and seemed to worry about Eren a lot, but Levi hadn’t seen any indication that they were romantically involved, which he took as a good sign for him.

“She’s right. You should pay more attention in class, too.”

Armin’s voice was also soft, but a few octaves deeper and more expressive. He seemed pretty brainy, going on about classes and grades. Since he didn’t seem to worry over Eren as much, Levi couldn’t be bothered to note much else.

“Fine, I’ll try. You guys need to loosen up.”

A strange sense of melancholy filled Levi at Eren’s dull tone. He wanted to hear his voice rise in excitement and crack if he got too ecstatic, and he wanted to listen to the embarrassed laughter that would come afterwards. He wanted to watch those pretty eyes fill with emotion, brim with happiness… He’d even settle with sadness. That could be fixed by Levi’s words of comfort—he’d master the art of speaking eventually, and then he would calm Eren down whenever he was upset.

Again, Mikasa and Armin parted ways with Eren at the crosswalk. Levi followed him to the bus stop, one sweaty hand coming down to support the bottom of the glass and prevent it from slipping. The flowers felt like rocks weighing him down.

He stood out of sight, breath shallow and head light. He tried to walk up to Eren, who sat and looked at his phone, but his feet were rooted to the ground. He trembled, eyes watering and vision blurring, the world tilting. Sniffling as quietly as he could, he let his head droop. He sank his teeth into his lip, the taste of iron on his tongue.

But he shot upward when he heard the huff of a bus stopping. Eren stepped inside, disappearing from view. Without second thought, Levi dashed into the vehicle and paced to the back, quickly taking a seat. Eren was a couple seats ahead on the opposite side, head turned to look out the window. Levi peered around, ensuring that no eyes were on him, before letting his gaze settle on Eren. Those legs were bare, tan and skinny but not unnaturally so, and almost completely hairless. They appeared smooth and warm to touch. Levi imagined tracing his hands up those calves and thighs, circling around shorts-clad hips, feeling the jut of bones and lean muscle. Eren kept his legs close together and hands on his lap, his phone peeking out from his pocket. The music he was listening to was not loud enough for Levi to hear, but Eren came across as being in deep thought.

Without moving his eyes, Levi set the flowers beside him and pulled his phone from his pocket, opening the camera and snapping a photo of Eren’s entire body.

Eren exited the bus in an unrecognizable neighborhood and jogged towards a fair-sized white house. Working fast, Levi took a photo of the home.

He got off in front of a supermarket and called Kenny to pick him up. His uncle didn’t bother asking questions. At home, Levi stored the two new photos in his new album. The flowers sat in their glass on his desk.

***

Throughout that week, Levi was content with observing, and observe he did. He arrived at school early and stood at the entrance, waiting, and then followed Eren to his homeroom. He watched the way Eren walked—quickly yet confidently, hips slightly swaying mesmerizingly. He sat a table away from Eren and his friends at lunch, Eren’s harmonious laughter comforting him in his solitude. He took photos whenever possible and added them to his album, and at night, he looked through them all, a strange taut feeling in his gut.

But it wasn’t enough. He craved to know it all, to learn what makes Eren, Eren. That’s how the stories went: the couple gets to know each other and they fall in love. The daisies were drooping and losing their color, and Levi’s time was running out.

He flicked off the lights and buried his head in the pillow, his mind filled with thoughts of Eren, Eren, Eren. In his dreams, he saw Eren smile at him, eyes alight, and he saw himself talking to Eren. His own hands were without flowers. The next morning, he threw out the daisies.

***

Levi forced one foot in front of the other, digging his nails into his skin as if it’d cool the fire running through his veins. He kept his eyes locked on the image of Eren at his bus stop, and although his throat tightened the closer he got, he kept a steady pace, remembering his dream. It must have been some sort of instructions to help him get his story moving.

Once he was a mere foot away from Eren, he spoke, his own voice gruff and low: “Hey.”

Eren looked up, green eyes meeting grey, tying Levi’s intestines into knots. “Oh. Hi.”

A pause.

“Wait, I know you! You’re that guy who was here a while back, looking at me.”

Bile rose to his throat. What now? Whatnowwhatnowwhatnow—

“S-sorry,” he forced out, looking away. He immediately looked back when he heard Eren giggle and was rewarded with the sight of a toothy grin. Eren’s eyes sparkled as they made eye contact again.

“It’s okay. What’s up?” Eren asked, voice light. Levi felt a swell of pride as he looked over Eren’s expression, seeming as though Eren… liked him.

“I need a study partner. You should study with me?”

Eren’s smile fell slightly, and Levi ignored it, unwilling to see such a thing.

“Ah, I’m not sure. We barely know each other—”

“We’ll get to know each other.” Levi couldn’t stop himself from interrupting. Despite being shorter than Eren, by a few inches, in this moment he towered over him with an alluring sense of power. He had a mission to fulfill, and he wouldn’t leave until he’d done it.

Eren’s eyebrows knitted. Levi likened him to a princess too shy to go with her prince. It was okay, though, because he would break out of that shell.

“Come on. My name is Levi Ackerman. I’m a junior. I need a study partner,” he insisted. “Please.”

Eren was silent for a long moment, taking his lip between his teeth. Levi licked his own lips.

“Okay… When and where?”

Levi cracked a genuine smile. “Your house, every Wednesday after school.”

***

Feeling as though a boulder had been lifted from his shoulders, Levi slept soundly that night. Just before drifting off, he remembered Eren’s glee upon looking at him, and the word _reciprocation_ echoed in his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: daisies represent innocence and purity, so I'm sure you can see the irony and symbolism there, lololol  
> Anyway, this chapter is slightly longer!! Whoo!! At last, they meet. We'll see where this goes from here (I have only the vaguest idea, omg). As always, feedback is appreciated! Thanks for reading!


	4. Taut as a Bowstring

Levi felt as though he were riding a high as Wednesday approached.

Euphoria settled in his gut and spread outward until his fingertips and toes tingled with anticipation. His stomach churned faster with each day that passed—he kept a calendar on his nightstand and marked off the dates in crimson pen, the ink bleeding through the paper. Before falling asleep and immediately after waking up, his thoughts turned to his and Eren’s upcoming study session at Eren’s home.

Or… could it be a date?

Levi flipped through the pages of his favorite book again, scouring for the right moment, but there was an odd lack of dates in this particular story. Rather than wasting time wondering why, he picked up another book—a romance comedy for young adults.

Yes, there it was: soon after meeting, the protagonist and the love interest went on a date to a pizzeria. Surely this study session would meet the necessary criteria to qualify as a date. With this in mind, he studied his photo of Eren’s house. It appeared quite lovely, not too simple nor extravagant with about two stories, a clean exterior, a lush lawn… He would have to properly groom himself beforehand to avoid tainting the Jaeger household.

He wrote himself a reminder and placed it beside his calendar.

***

Levi was told that he constantly kept a neutral or even bitter facial expression, but his elation couldn’t stay off his face during the next few days. Walking into school, his thoughts were of Eren and how they had crossed the same threshold into the building, which turned into how their date is not far away, and he felt the corners of his lips turn upward. He was surprised at the pleasant feeling the gesture brought; he was hardly used to making it naturally.

But as he walked the halls, eyes turned to him and mouths fell open, whispers snaking through the crowd. Face burning, he bit down on his tongue and dropped his gaze to the floor, forcing the smile away. Their stares burned into him, so acting quickly, he threw steely glares in each direction. The eyes moved away. Levi continued towards his classroom, cursing himself.

Despite that, he couldn’t keep himself from smiling again when he took his place a table away from Eren’s group at lunch and watched them through his peripheral vision. He studied how Eren sat with legs pressed together but gesticulated wildly with his hands. He listened intently as Eren spoke animatedly of Star Wars, voice pitched with passion. Levi made a quick note in his phone of Eren’s love for the film series. Still, he didn’t fail to notice how Mikasa looked over at him every now and again, upon which Levi would spoon some of his cafeteria food into his mouth while looking in the opposite direction to avoid confrontation. The notion of talking directly to Mikasa send cold shivers down his spine.

He felt especially inspired in his art class. Working incessantly, he turned to a fresh page in his notebook and sketched the outline of two wide eyes. He illustrated dark lashes, colored the irises a vibrant green, drew the crinkles of skin and flecks of gold and most importantly, the shine. To the best of his ability, he detailed those doe eyes with the wonder that had filled them. When the teacher asked his theme, he simply answered “in love.”

Unfortunately, he realized too late that he was not the only one to whom these eyes were unmistakable, and he caught sight of a familiar red-scarfed girl staring coldly at him from three seats away. Breathing raggedly, he promptly tucked away his drawing, but that did not deter her.

She hardly took her eyes off him the next day at lunch, and with a jolt, Levi realized that Armin, too, cast him looks through narrowed eyes. Shakily, he reached in his pocket for his phone and peered at his lockscreen, which he had changed to the picture of Eren on the bus. He inhaled deeply and reminded himself of Wednesday, immediately beginning to feel better. However, when he lifted his head again, Mikasa was pulling Eren out of the room by the arm. The double-doors closed behind them with a resounding _thud._

That was Tuesday.

***

On the special day, Levi made sure to wear his finest casual clothing and thoroughly comb his hair. Time passed at the speed of a snail, and each tick of the clock sent a spike of adrenaline through his veins. After school, he all but raced to the bus stop, gnawing and picking at his fingernails as he waited.

Eren was a few minutes later than expected, and when he appeared, his face distinctly lacked a smile. Even worse, his eyes lacked the shine. Levi felt as though he’d just been gutted.

“Hi,” Eren muttered. “The bus is almost here.”

“Yeah,” he managed in return, but his mind was elsewhere. What to do to restore that beautiful expression to his face?

He considered this as they sat down on the bus, Eren leaning away and turning his head towards the window. Levi noted his tense posture and rifled through memory after memory of love stories before sighing and letting himself relax, because this was normal, wasn’t it? Being nervous on the first date? When he thought of it that way, it seemed quite endearing, so he accepted it.

Walking into Eren’s home was far better than walking into the home of any celebrity, Levi concluded. He followed Eren through the door, remembering to wipe his shoes on the welcome mat and place them to the side. He absorbed everything in sight: homey rooms, all in different sizes, with a bathroom to the left and a kitchen straight ahead, a set of stairs located a little ways away. Cozy and pristine, very pleasing to the eye. As they walked into the living room on the right, Levi brushed his fingers across everything he could.

They sat on a plush beige sofa, Eren setting his backpack between them and pulling out his textbooks and worksheets. After a moment, Levi also withdrew his own materials. And they worked.

Eren directed him through each problem and Levi pretended to listen, but he was focused on Eren’s monotone voice. A weight formed in his stomach.

During a lull in the conversation, Levi mustered up the courage to ask Eren his favorite color, recalling that first dates were meant for getting to know each other.

Eren blinked. “Blue. Now, cosine is—”

“What shade of blue?” he interrupted, not satisfied with such a plain answer.

“Oh. Um, sky blue, I guess. Like a clear sky. Anyway, to find cosine here you have to…”

Levi closed his eyes and imagined it, the clear sky. He could picture Eren gazing up at it, watching birds soar overhead, seeing freedom overhead. It made sense—after all, Eren was a free spirit himself, magnificently unchained.

He asked Eren more questions, pausing between them to take in the answers. He observed how Eren fiddled with an eraser as he thought over a problem, twisting it in his fingers, rubbing it, tapping it against the coffee table. Levi longed to move closer, to embrace Eren, and he glowered spitefully at the backpack between them. Why had Eren put it there, anyway?

“I’m going to use the bathroom,” Eren said, standing.

Levi nodded in acknowledgement, eyeing him as he left the room. Once he was gone, Levi leaned in close to the erasor sat on the table. Small and pink, easily fitting in the palm of a hand… or a pocket. On a whim, he snatched it up and held it close, brushing his thumb over the smooth rubber that Eren had touched only moments ago. He quickly stuffed it into his pocket when he heard the bathroom door open.

“Okay, it’s five,” Eren indicated. “My parents will be home soon and we’ve done enough today.”

Despite how much Levi wanted to protest, he swallowed his words and simply nodded again. Shortly later, Kenny’s car waited outside and Levi stood on the porch with Eren.

“Next week?” Levi asked hopefully.

Eren hesitated. “Erm, I don’t know… I’ll tell you at school.”

He went inside and moved to shut the door, but a “Wait!” escaped Levi’s throat, and he froze. Sweating, Levi spoke as clearly as he could manage.

“Green is mine. My favorite color, I mean. I got so caught up wanting to learn more about you that I didn’t say anything about myself. I’m sorry.”

Eren faced him, and gradually, his frigid expressed softened and a smile appeared. Warmth exploded in Levi’s chest as those pretty green eyes began to shine.

“It’s cool. Next week it is, then.” And the door slowly closed.

***

That night, Levi lay in bed, the eraser in his palm. Holding it, he could recollect how Eren had also held it, the way that unblemished tan skin had stroked it. In this way, they were connected. He clutched it tightly and thought back on the day, pondering what had happened, why Eren had acted that way, if there was some sort of glitch…

He shot up straight. That girl, that boy—Mikasa and Armin. They had glared at him, _judged_ him, and Mikasa had taken Eren away during lunch… They must have done something, told him something.

And suddenly, there were waves of some white-hot feeling washing over Levi, like a bitter poison in his blood. It itched under his skin, a primal sensation, as he wanted to take what was his, guard what was his… But he let the feeling pass. Putting the eraser away, he let himself drift off.

The problem could wait for later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually kind of like this chapter, whooo~  
> We're getting somewhere, omg. Feedback is appreciated -- is there any hope for Levi?? Thanks for reading!!


	5. Warming Up

Levi spent that weekend considering what his and Eren’s next date should be like.

He pored over novel after novel, scouring the pages for the correct point in the timeline. But his story and these stories were different. In the books, the love interests went on dates to restaurants and movie theaters, and they pecked each other on the cheek… Levi experienced a momentary panic—could it be that he was doing it wrong? Promptly, he fumbled around his nightstand for a certain object. Held tightly in his right hand was Eren’s eraser, smooth and warm. This tether to Eren helped sooth his heart, and he comforted himself with the notion that his and Eren’s relationship would be unconventional. Yes, that was it.

Still, he felt as though he was missing something. Like a lost puzzle piece. So as he sat at the dinner table across from his uncle, staring down at his small bowl of spaghetti, he mustered up his courage and spoke.

“Kenny,” he began, not moving his eyes upward from his untouched meal. “Do you have advice for… a date?”

Kenny’s fork clattered on his plate. For a few seconds, there was an awful strained silence.

“A date… Levi, you finally got someone?” Kenny’s voice raised in excitement. Levi chewed his cheek in annoyance.

“Never mind that. Do you have any advice or not?”

“Ah. Well, not really. Never was the romantic type, ya know.” Kenny chuckled. When Levi didn’t respond, he continued gruffly. “Just make ‘em feel comfortable, I guess. Relaxed.”

 _Relaxed._ That seemed like a nice concept: Eren at his side, no backpack between them, chattering without a care in the world. Yes, it seemed perfect for them. And maybe, if Eren was comfortable enough, Levi would reach over and take his hand, brushing his fingers over his skin…

“Thanks,” Levi said conclusively, picking up his fork. He took his time with dinner that night.

***

During Monday’s lunch, Levi assumed his usual spot of his lonesome table near Eren’s and observed from a distance. Eren seemed particularly cheerful today, with a toothy grin and boisterous laughter that made Levi feel like he was soaring. As always, despite the pull towards Eren, he felt content with watching, certain that Eren was too lost in his shenanigans to even notice his presence. Consequently, he choked on his sandwich when Eren stood and walked over to him.

“Hey,” he greeted merrily. “I just realized that we never really introduced ourselves. I’ve seen you around before we met, so I know your name’s Levi. You probably already know I’m Eren. Not to sound conceited, of course.”

Eren laughed, eyes shimmering. Levi’s blood rushed to his head. He briefly looked away, only to see Mikasa and Armin behind Eren, gesturing wildly and looking none too pleased.

“Anyway, I was wondering if you wanna come sit with us? There’s room for one more.”

He inhaled sharply, turning back to Eren who peered at him expectantly, green eyes wide and brow raised. The further the words registered in his mind, the more powerful his urge to pinch himself, just to check if this was a dream.

Finally, Levi straightened his posture and gave his best smile, feeling elated. “Sure.”

At the table sat Eren, Mikasa, Armin, and six others, all of whom turned their eyes to him as he approached, and he felt himself begin to sweat. He dug his nails into his palms, grappling for some control over himself. Mikasa and Armin stared at him through narrowed, cold eyes, scalding him with their judgements. He took his seat opposite them, beside Eren.

“Guys, this is Levi, my study partner,” Eren announced. “He’s gonna eat here.”

Quickly, the others introduced themselves as Jean, Marco, Historia (“But I prefer Krista!”), Ymir, Connie, and then Sasha, who opened her phone and leaned forward. Levi leaned away, displeased at her invasion of his personal space. The only one permitted within his bubble was Eren.

“You got Insta? We should follow each other!” she chirped, tapping the screen. Levi froze, the gears in his head whirring. He certainly had an Instagram, but neglected it due to the crushing pressure of having very few followers and the painful anxiety of being judged for it. But Sasha was Eren’s friend, so surely knowing her account would lead to his.

“Tell me your username. I’ll follow it and you’ll recognize mine,” he suggested, proud of himself when Sasha agreed. He made a note of it in his phone, careful not to let anyone see his wallpaper.

That lunch was exhausting. Levi felt drained after desperately trying to please Eren’s friends, still unable to fully meet their eyes. He felt like an alien around them, gross and unnatural—though there was the exception of Marco, whose warm voice and welcoming smile were oddly enough to put him temporarily at ease. He exchanged small talk with him to the best of his ability, relieved at Marco’s kind responses.

But he couldn’t shake off the feeling of _them_ : Mikasa and Armin, who did not look away from him, occasionally whispering something to Eren and tugging on his arm, to which Eren would bat them away. Soon enough, Levi’s blood began to boil at their attempts to separate them. Even in his peripheral vision, he could see them clear as day, conspiring to ruin his and Eren’s blossoming relationship. He dug his teeth into his lip, tasting blood, swirling it in his mouth, and what was this feeling—

The harsh trill of the bell tore Levi from his thoughts. He turned towards Eren, who was gathering up the remains of his lunch.

“I’ll throw it away for you,” Levi offered. Eren smiled and handed it over.

And Levi did throw it away, right after nibbling at the edges of the nearly-finished sandwich and then taking the biggest bite he could, savoring its taste and the knowledge that Eren’s lips had been here. Couples shared food all the time, did they not? Levi was only one step ahead.

***

His uncle had left for the evening, already having departed before Levi returned, only leaving a small note. Levi lay supine on his bed, the chill of solitude washing over him in the silence, clawing and nipping at him. He tossed and turned before finally closing his eyes and picturing Eren, his smile, his warmth. He imagined them together on an icy winter’s day, wrapped in blankets, Eren’s head on his shoulder. He imagined them at lunch, fingers intertwined beneath the table, or perhaps on top of it, to showcase their love. He thought of Eren’s eyes on him, how good Eren seemed to feel. He remembered Eren’s devotion to him, his cute beseeching eyes, his lovely voice, his soft skin, the subtle curves of his body. He opened Sasha’s Instagram account, not taking too long to find Eren tagged in a photo, scrolling through Eren’s pictures, studying him. Down below, a tightening sensation...

Alone that night, Levi warmed himself up to thoughts of his adorable Eren and what would surely be their future.

***

During art class, Levi made certain to glance around the room every few minutes, his gaze latching onto Mikasa each time. He never caught her, but he swore he felt her frigid eyes on him. A voice whispered to him how she glowered disapprovingly just a few seats away, but when he looked up, her head was down, concentrated on her work.

But he knew. He would not be fooled. He sensed her condemnation of him, her desire to keep him from Eren. Her and Armin. Whenever they came to mind, he was flooded by that same primitive feeling from before, now familiar to him. At lunch, too, he was all too aware of her subtle peeks, even as he exchanged words with Marco.

No, he never caught her looking. But there was no doubt in his mind that she was. And Armin, too. Looking, gazing, glaring. When he walked through the hallways, he always briefly turned around, searching for them. As soon as either of them spoke to Eren at lunch, he would shamelessly interrupt. He continued his routine of following them after school, listening closely, hiding behind trees or trash cans or people when necessary. Anything to keep them from doing to Eren what they did last time: badmouth Levi, demonize him, make Eren uncomfortable around him.

Their next date was meant to be relaxed, and hell if Levi would let those two spoil it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes, this chapter is short and not of the best quality. Oh well. I might start writing one part of a chapter per day instead of writing it all in one sitting (which is what I'm currently doing) so I can up the quantity, but who knows??  
> Anyway, thank you for reading! It really motivates me to keep going. Feel free to leave feedback or generally any comment, lolol. I also decided to tag Levi's creepiness, because I felt it was in order, especially for this chapter. Might have to change the rating to "mature" in the future, too, but so far I doubt it'll go to "explicit."


	6. Primitivity

Levi was certain of it. Mikasa and Armin… They wanted to take Eren away.

He stayed up each night contemplating his situation, recalling their cold behavior and their attempts to pull Eren’s attention from him. The time, weeks ago, when they must have said something to make Eren frigid towards him. As his thoughts delved deeper, he felt an odd mix of things—ice in his veins at the memories of Eren distancing himself and the terror that came with the possibility of that happening again. And then fire boiling beneath his skin when he pictured Mikasa’s angry gray eyes, Armin’s skeptical blue ones. Fire and ice, twisting and turning in his gut to create a carnal feeling.

On Sunday night, he fell asleep to thoughts of the next day and dreamt of leaping onto two figures, punching and kicking and thrashing, desperately trying to protect something. The figures were familiar, a girl and a boy, as if they were meant to be…

But he cut off his train of thought there; this territory was unknown to him. He was venturing into uncharted waters—stormy ones, at that—and he was reluctant to go further, wary of what may lie ahead. So he kept his mind blank as he traveled to school.

***

At lunch that day, Mikasa sat at Eren’s left, and Armin at his right. Levi felt a spark of fury and clenched his tray in his hands, trudging over to the opposite side of the table, taking a seat beside Marco. What a relief when Eren looked at him and smiled all the same.

“Hey, Levi!” he greeted. Before Levi could properly respond, he had already turned back to Armin, continuing to discuss a new movie.

The two of them, Mikasa and Armin, didn’t openly badmouth Levi. But oh, if they thought their antics went unnoticed, they were sorely mistaken. No, Levi saw clear as day when they leaned in close to whisper into Eren’s ear, or when they exchanged looks over his shoulder. He saw when Eren shook his head and smacked them lightly on the arm. Finally, when Mikasa went again to whisper to him, Levi had had enough.

“Eren,” he said, interrupting Mikasa. There was a brief pause in their conversation before Mikasa continued mumbling.

“ _Eren,_ ” he tried again, louder. This time, the rest of the group turned to look at him, going silent. Eren tilted his head and raised an eyebrow. Levi suppressed the butterflies in his stomach and fought to keep going, refusing to look at any of the others.

“What were you saying about that movie?” he asked, at last having grasped a topic. His heart fluttered at the way Eren’s eyes lit up in response to his question.

“Oh! Guardians of the Galaxy Two? I really liked it! The action was great and so was the comedy. I thought it kind of followed the same formula as every other Marvel movie, though. But Armin told me there was some hidden symbolism with Ego and—”

“Okay,” Levi interjected, a bitter taste filling his mouth at the mention of Armin. Eren furrowed his brows, and Levi stumbled over his next words. “Oh, I— I just meant… I don’t really believe it. The symbolism thing. Sorry.”

“Oh. That’s okay.”

Again, the table fell into silence. Levi tried to ignore the hammering of his heart in favor of thinking up a new topic, but his time ran short.

“Eren. We were talking?” Mikasa muttered, and Eren sighed in response. Levi clenched his teeth.

“I wasn’t done. So, Eren, who was your favorite character?”

Eren faced him once more, irises shimmering. He rambled on about someone named Rocket and Levi listened intently, mentally taking note of the kind of behavior Eren finds favorable. He hesitated when Eren asked him about his favorite character from the film, knowing nothing of it but eventually responding with “The antagonist.”

“Really? Ego? How come?”

Levi gave a genuine answer. “Because antagonists are more interesting.”

So it went on: a Monday lunch, with lovely conversation between the two of them. Levi would not give the others a chance to cut in, much less Mikasa and Armin. Every time either of them tried to get a word across to Eren, he would speak over them. And once lunch was over, his chest swelled with pride. But he was not satisfied.

No, he would never be satisfied so long as Mikasa and Armin continued to be around Eren. So he followed Eren through the halls, watched him during free periods, walked by his classrooms just to have a peek inside. After school, he ran up to the three of them outside, panting out his offer.

“Eren. I’ll walk you to the bus stop.”

Mikasa bristled and Armin narrowed his eyes, but Eren just smiled pleasantly. “Sure. We can keep talking about the movie that way.” Then, to his two friends, “I’ll see you guys later.”

Mikasa grabbed his arm. “Eren.”

“It’s _fine,_ Mika,” Eren said under his breath. “Don’t be a bitch.”

That seemed to jar Mikasa, and she stepped backward. Armin rubbed his temples with his fingertips, but said nothing as Eren walked off with Levi, who internally leapt with joy.

***

After school the next day, he was approached by them. They walked stiffly, expressions drawn tight, and Levi steeled his nerves.

Mikasa wasted no time once she got close enough. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he replied, tone cool, watching as she ground her teeth.

“You think we’re stupid? We know you’ve been watching Eren for a while. We saw you staring at him a few weeks ago. And now you’re not letting us talk to him?”

“Has it crossed your mind that maybe I’m doing that because you just talk shit about me to him?” Levi’s words filled venom. “I’m not a fucking idiot. You made him uncomfortable around me, which you have no right to do.”

“We’re his best friends, and we protect him. You’ve been creeping on him for weeks, watching him and following him. We notice shit like that. We saw you taking a photo, too.” As she went on, her voice lowered to a biting whisper. “Don’t think I don’t know what people like you do with these photos. You’re a perverted stalker. Of course I’m not letting Eren get close to you.”

Levi’s vision turned red. His fists shook at his side. “I’m not doing anything wrong. Shut the fuck up. I won’t allow evil people like you get between me and Eren’s courting.”

Mikasa startled. “What the fuck? _Courting?_ You’re delusional. I should report you to the police.”

“For what?” Levi hissed. “You don’t have any real evidence. You can’t do shit. You’re the delusional one, you psycho bitch.”

Armin touched his palm to Mikasa shoulder, just barely stopping her from surging forward. “He’s right about that, Mikasa. We can’t do that yet.” He turned to face Levi, eyes lidded dangerously. “But you need to watch yourself. Even if you and Eren are getting closer, all he sees you as is a friend, that much is clear. Don’t overstep your boundaries.”

He laughed bitterly. “Fine, whatever you want to think. I know the truth, and that’s all that matters. All in due time… Eren and I will love each other. That’s how it goes.”

“Listen to us, Levi. That is not—”

“I’m not wasting my time here any longer,” he spat. “You demons are trying to trick me. Leave me alone from now on.”

That lunch, Mikasa tried to pull Eren out of the room again. Levi swiftly put that to an end with a comment about Star Wars, managing to lure Eren into a conversation. He walked Eren to and from classes, checked on him during his bathroom breaks, and escorted him to the bus stop. Eren laughed and nodded and chatted with him, occasionally giving a playful smack to the shoulder that made Levi’s skin tingle. And there was no doubt in his mind that Eren had chosen him over those monsters.

***

Come Wednesday, Eren was nowhere to be found. Levi searched his classes and scanned the hallways, not finding a sign of him. His anxiety was cooled during lunch, when he realized that Mikasa and Armin were still present and not using any technology so it was therefore impossible for them to delude Eren’s mind today. Levi sat at his usual spot, staring down at his food, not knowing what to do with himself.

“How are you today?” someone asked him. He jolted upright and looked to his right, where Marco looked at him sheepishly.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“Ah, no, it’s okay. Um…” What should Levi say to him? Marco was safe, refusing to meddle in his and Eren’s relationship. Then, conversation between them was okay, right?

“I’m fine,” he answered. “You?”

“That’s good! I’m doing pretty well. Excited for the weekend.” He chuckled. Levi raised a brow.

“Why?”

“Oh, just for some time to relax. School’s getting kind of stressful.” He shrugged, rubbing the back of his neck. “I know I shouldn’t complain about that, though.”

“It’s okay to complain about school,” Levi assured sincerely. Although he himself hardly ranted to anyone, he would often use up pages and pages of notebooks to vent about grades, projects, peers. He would write until his hand went numb.

“Really?” Marco’s face relaxed in relief. “That’s good, then. You seem like a pretty cool guy, Levi.”

Levi’s eyebrows shot upward. Cool? Not a single person had ever called him that.

“Seriously?”

“Well yeah, I mean—” And Marco’s phone pinged loudly in his pocket. “Ah! Sorry about that. I dunno why the volume is so high…” He slipped the phone out and tapped the screen before humming. “It’s from Eren.”

Immediately, Levi’s full attention was caught. “What’d he say?”

“He said he’s sick today and won’t be able to do the study session, so I should apologize to you for him. And he said to give you his phone number.”

Levi eagerly entered Eren’s number into his own phone, staring at it, scanning over the digits to convert them to memory. From his side, Marco lowered his voice.

“So, uh… You _like_ Eren, don’t you?”

His blood ran cold. He prepared to fire verbal bullets, to isolate Marco, to ensure that he never spoke to Eren ever again. “So what if I do?”

But to his surprise, Marco cooed. When Levi glanced over, he was wearing a large smile. “That’s so sweet! You make it a bit obvious, haha.” When Levi paled, Marco waved his hands in a placating gesture. “It’s okay, though! Liking someone is normal. Plus, I think you guys might be cute together.”

Levi sagged in comfort. Yes, Marco was safe.

Once school ended, he took the bus to Eren’s house, unable to get over his concern about Eren’s health. They both had to be in tip-top shape so that their relationship could be as long-lasting as possible.

Eren answered the door, wrapped in a blanket and rubbing his eyes. Levi softened at the sight.

“Levi…? Wha… Why’re you here? I canceled…”

“I know. I won’t stay for long, I just wanted to check in on you.”

Eren flushed. Levi’s mouth went dry at such an adorable expression, and he itched to take a photo, angry because he couldn’t.

“That’s really nice of you. Thanks for worrying about me. I have to go back to bed, though.”

Before he could close the door, Levi spoke up again. “Do you want to go with me to the mall on Saturday? I’ve never been there but it seemed cool.”

Eren grinned. “Sure, that’s a fun place to hang out. Text me the details.”

 _Hang out._ Poor Eren, unaware of his own feelings. But surely that would change soon. This Saturday would be their best date yet.

***

Eren was still absent on Thursday. What sent Levi into a frenzy, though, was the fact that Mikasa was also missing.

“Calm down, Levi,” Marco said. “Eren’s just sick, and Mikasa said she’d be at a basketball game today.”

Levi didn’t believe that for one second. No, he was sure that right in that moment, Mikasa was with pure Eren, trying to corrupt him, speaking to him with poisonous words. Glancing at Armin, who had not so much as gazed at Levi since their confrontation, told him nothing.

He couldn’t wait for school to end. Disregarding Marco’s questions and the dubious looks of the teachers, he ran out of the building and to the bus stop. Time dragged on as he waited for the next bus. Even holding the eraser didn’t ease his taut gut and racing mind. Mikasa, that villain. How could she just taint their relationship without a single qualm?

He ran through possible solutions during the bus ride. He would talk it out with Eren, convince him that he means well for them. And if Eren didn’t listen, then he could… He could…

But the ride was too short to allow that line of consciousness. He got off at the familiar spot, rushing quickly to the door before pausing. No, he couldn’t let them know he was there. That would cause a whole new set of problems. Instead, he stepped cautiously around the house, careful not to make much noise. Thankful for the low windows, he peeked through each one, living room to kitchen to bathroom, finding no one.

Then he gazed upward, and of course: the second floor. His eyes landed on a tree bearing many thick branches, one of which nearly grazed the house. Briefly, he thought that maybe he should thank whatever god wants him and Eren to be together so badly that they provided him with this glorious tree.

Uncaring of the bark that scraped his palms, he pulled himself upward, heaving at the great expense of energy but determined to keep going, until finally, _finally,_ he reached the correct branch. Inching forwards on it, he leaned slightly to his left, straining to get a better view, when he caught sight of a bed, and on it…

It was Eren’s bedroom, and there was Eren, alone and asleep. Levi quickly forgot his sour discovery that he was wrong about Mikasa being here as he studied Eren’s sleeping figure. Hair splayed out on the pillow like a halo, blanket loosely covering his body, the peaceful rise and fall of his chest… It was such a beautiful and serene sight, and Levi couldn’t resist taking a photo.

Upon his request, Kenny picked him up from a few blocks away, asking what Levi was doing there. Of course, Levi ignored him, and eventually he gave up. Levi wouldn’t be able to give a clear response, anyway. Not with his mind clogged with the image of a sleeping Eren.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for updating a few hours later this time, I was at Pride all day with my girlfriend. ^^  
> I'm actually quite fond of this chapter, omg. It's also longer. Hopefully that won't change much for #7, lolol. As always, thank you for reading, and feel free to leave feedback, such as discussion about the story, predictions, or whatever else. :o


	7. Machiavellianism

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the title of this story from "Ally of Sin" to "The Flowers of Sin" because I liked the sound and feel more, lol.  
> Also, warning for some self-harm in this chapter, although it isn't due to self-hatred. There's a bit of manipulation, as well.

Levi couldn’t sleep. Try as he might, his muscles remained stiff and mind racing with thoughts of Mikasa and Armin, what those two devils could be doing. Even now, deep into the night, they could have called or texted Eren. They could be rambling on about how sinister Levi is, telling Eren to stay away, to never look at him again. And Eren would listen. And then Levi would lose his love, and his life would crumble and fall back into his familiar cold isolation.

When he remembered how painful it had felt to be so alone, he buried his head in his pillow and clutched his blanket, as if doing so would protect him. How cruel, he thought, must two people be in order to deprive him of his happiness? How miserable must they be to antagonize him in such a way?

He tossed and turned in his bed, eyes screwed shut, but that didn’t deter his imagination. He tried forcing the thoughts away, focusing on the soft mattress or quiet room, but they always returned more powerful. So he shifted onto his back, his side, his stomach, growing more agitated as the minutes ticked by. And when he looked at the clock and read 1:57 a.m., he was overcome by frustration that knotted painfully in his gut, and anxiety, so much anxiety, like ants crawling over his skin, and he couldn’t take it…

It was nearly 2:30 when he stumbled into his uncle’s bathroom, tears streaking his face, and downed a couple sleeping pills. He slept soundly after that.

***

On Friday, Eren returned to school. Levi watched from a corner as he entered his homeroom, thankfully not followed by Mikasa or Armin. Throughout the first two periods, Levi breathed shallowly through what felt like a stone in his throat, tapping incessantly on the desk. Several times, someone would look at him with contempt, and although he would stiffen under normal circumstances, he couldn’t bring himself to care.

At the ring of the bell, he jolted upward from his desk, bag already packed, and raced to the lunchroom. The table that Eren sat at was empty, the room itself sparsely populated. He stood at the wall closest to it, waiting.

Sasha and Connie were the first to appear. They greeted Levi, Connie a bit more warily, and he grunted in reply, unable to do much else. Ymir and Historia (Krista?) followed, hands linked. Jean was next, seeming slightly confused, and then Marco soon afterwards.

“Hey, Levi,” he chirped, then lowered his voice. “Waiting for Eren?”

“Yeah,” Levi managed, and that was that.

Finally, Eren arrived, Mikasa and Armin tailing after him. Instantly after he sat down, Levi slumped in the seat beside him, intercepting Mikasa. She shot him daggers through her eyes and took a seat next to Armin, who was at Eren’s right.

This was good, Levi thought. Mikasa could not subtly speak with Eren this way, and Armin was less of a threat, always standing behind her. But it wasn’t enough. He couldn’t bear any interaction between Eren and those two, couldn’t stomach the thought of them corrupting him with their glares and gestures.

He wracked his brain for something before hurriedly taking his phone from his pocket and unlocking it, immediately going to YouTube and typing in “Star Wars,” and scrolling, scrolling…

“Eren,” he said. He felt light-headed with how suddenly those emerald eyes turned to him. “I found a video you might like. It’s about Star Wars. It’s funny.”

Eren perked up and moved closer to Levi, who struggled to keep himself from trembling. The video apparently was indeed funny, judging by Eren’s stuttered laughter. Levi didn’t get the jokes, but he forced himself to chuckle, the noise deep and awkward in his throat. But he was paying more attention to Eren, beautiful Eren, who was only a few inches away. There was heat between their skin… And, and if stretched his fingers just a little, he would touch the soft skin of Eren’s arm. Oh, how he itched to feel it, maybe stroke it just a bit. Eren would know, though, wouldn’t he? Levi didn’t know how he would react, couldn’t even guess. It was too dangerous. With how far he’d gotten, he wouldn’t risk it.

So he swallowed the desire and instead allowed himself to be enveloped in the satisfaction of denying the two devils Eren’s attention. He peeked at them once, noticing Mikasa’s slitted eyes, Armin’s lips pressed tightly in a line. It felt good, warm. Like a cage—whether it contained Mikasa and Armin or himself and Eren didn’t matter, only that they were safe like this.

***

Unfortunately, as lunch came to an end and Levi trudged to his next class, that feeling wore off, revealing once again the sharp anxiety that gnawed at his bones. He endured the period—though the teacher’s muffled words all escaped him and his notebook remained blank—but he knew that Eren shared his last class with not one, but _two_ of those devils, and they were very likely whispering to him at the moment, away from where Levi could shield Eren from their lies.

His pen never touched the paper that period, stomach too full of knots. They were more painful than ever before, nauseatingly so; multiple times, Levi thought he was on the verge of vomiting, the idea of which disgusted him. The feeling was too painful, the thoughts too invasive, he couldn’t withstand them any longer, they needed to stop, _they must stop…_

He decided to finally take action. Mind too muddled, there was not much room for a better choice, but he had to do something, so when class got out he went into a bathroom stall, ensuring the room was empty. He inhaled, exhaled, assuring himself that it needed to be done, that the end justified the means and there were no other means besides this.

And he slammed his wrist against the wall as hard as he could.

Immediately, it complained with a sharp sting, and Levi’s breath stuttered. He pulled his hand back, looking it over, finding nothing except a fading red mark. Clenching his jaw, he pulled it back and flung it again at the wall, trying to put more force behind it. The pain, even more intense this time, shot upward to his shoulder. A gasp escaped him. Yet, glancing at it again, there was nothing to show for it.

Employing all of his weight, he struck the wall three times, four, five, before moving on to use the surface of the toilet. Agony boiled under his skin when he brought his right wrist down onto it, but there, blooming like a flower, was a small gray bruise. So he kept at it, biting his lip to keep from shouting out, glancing every now and again at the clock on his phone. He concentrated on his right wrist, hitting it against the toilet, the wall, his thigh, until it was lined with small splotches of purple. Breathing through the ache, he set off to find Eren.

It didn’t take long. Eren was making his way to the front door, about to step outside when Levi spoke behind him.

“Eren, can you come over to this hallway? I need to tell you something.”

***

“No. I don’t believe it.”

Levi’s muscles were twitching, his breathing labored. The pain in his wrist was all but forgotten, dull beneath his pounding heart and rushing blood.

“What do you mean, Eren?” he asked, cursing his strained voice. “I told you, Mikasa came up to me and started yelling for talking to you. She grabbed my wrist very hard when I tried walking away. Armin was saying cruel things to me, too.”

“Levi, that’s ridiculous,” Eren insisted. His eyebrows were drawn together and arms crossed over his chest. “I’ve known them for most of my life, and they wouldn’t do that.”

“Well maybe you don’t know them well enough,” Levi hissed in a single breath. “They did it. Threatened me, too, telling me to stay away from you. I thought about it and realized that to keep us apart, they’ll probably make up lies about me—”

“ _Enough._ ” Levi stopped upon hearing this. Eren’s voice was heavy with anger, that much he could tell. He couldn’t tell whether or not he was shaking. “They _wouldn’t do that._ Why are you lying to me, Levi?”

Levi didn’t respond, keeping his head down because surely if he saw Eren’s eyes, he would shatter.

“Why are you doing this?” Eren asked again. The question was heavy with sadness, and no, Levi couldn’t do this anymore, couldn’t restrain himself. His hands were empty; he was all out of options, and Eren was fading away.

“Please, Eren,” he started, the previous steadiness of his words disappearing. “Please don’t go, please don’t hate me. I… I can’t stand the coldness of being so alone. It’s so dark and painful. Come on, please.”

 _I can’t lose you because without our relationship, I will never feel that warmth again, so please don’t go._ These were the words that sat on the tip of his tongue, that he longed to release, but a distant voice whispered for him not to, that it wasn’t time. Even so, all his remaining calmness slipped between his fingers like sand.

“Don’t— don’t you know what’s it’s like to feel hated? It hurts. I can’t go back to that, I can’t go back to being without y— without someone. Eren!” He lifted his head at once, meeting Eren’s eyes, unable to look away. “Don’t you get it?”

Gazing into Eren’s eyes, he watched them widen and tear up, and suddenly, Levi felt grounded once again, because Eren did get it. Eren was understanding him, and he was no longer standing so stiffly… That’s right, Eren was kind, despite all his brash behavior. Yes, Levi certainly had his feet back on the ground now, under control, because the gears in his mind were whirring.

If he kept this up, made Eren sympathize, then he could definitely get Eren to listen to him.

“You do, don’t you? What happened, Eren? Tell me.”

And Eren did. He told Levi how back in elementary school, he’d stood up to bullies, and in return they’d spread nasty rumors about him. How he was alienated by all but Mikasa and Armin, glared at, shoved and taunted…

“It hurt. Even though it wasn’t even that bad… It hurt.”

Levi was entranced, not by his words, but the quivering of his lip, the tears that streaked his flushed cheeks. Even crying, Eren was beautiful.

“So then you understand, Eren?” Levi asked, hope bubbling in his chest.

“Yes… I do.”

“Then please, do something for me. To help me. Don’t listen to what Mikasa and Armin say about me.” Eren went rigid and Levi was quick to continue. “I know it’ll be difficult, but please. Don’t do what they tell you, don’t leave me alone. For my sake, as someone who knows your suffering.”

Slowly, Eren nodded. And then, before Levi could react, he pulled him into a hug.

Levi inhaled abruptly. Despite the height difference, Eren had wrapped his arms around his neck, so he wrapped his around Eren’s waist, feeling the plush skin there. He inhaled, taking in the scent of pine and flowers, pressing his arms tightly against Eren’s hips, lower body stirring at the weight against him…

Eren pulled away, smiling faintly, hesitantly. “I won’t stop being your friend, Levi.”

Despite hearing his soft voice, Levi again paid no mind to his words.

***

That night, for the first time, Levi thought over Eren’s story. They had felt the same thing back then: bitter isolation. How truly incredible it was that they’d met. Considering it, there was no other explanation that destiny.

As he looked over his collection of photos, he gleefully realized how close their relationship was to finally blossoming. This Saturday, he decided. He will formally ask Eren to be his on Saturday. Then neither of them will have to feel cold and alone ever again. They’ll find solace in each other, because that’s what couples do, and that’s why everyone wanted to be a couple.

He wasn’t aware that he was crying until his put his hand to his face and felt wetness. Unlike before, the tears weren’t pained ones; relief washed over him again and again, warm as sunlight, because at last he will be happy.

Kenny knocked on his door at about 10 p.m. “Levi? Just wanted to tell ya that I got some tickets to the game… I know sports aren’t really your thing but I just wanna fix this—”

“Go away,” Levi dismissed chillingly. Kenny obliged.

He didn’t need his uncle. He didn’t need anyone except Eren, and Eren needed him. Everyone wanted to be a couple, because that was life’s end goal. Levi was certain of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof, that sure was something.  
> Not sure what else to say, omg. I hope you enjoyed, I guess? ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ Thank you for reading, as always! Feel free to comment.~


	8. Bloom

Come Saturday, Levi awaited Eren in front of the doors to the mall.

He had spent hours on his appearance, his outfit clean but not too formal, hair combed and brushed until the floor was littered with strands, face scrubbed pink. Thirty minutes prior, he was standing before his mirror, staring into his own eyes, mind overrun with _this is it, it’s today, it’s finally happening today._

As he leaned against a pillar, head lowered against the people entering and exiting the building, he fiddled with the bottom of his T-shirt in an attempt to calm himself. He was light-headed with anxiety, face sure to be pale as a ghost. Counting the minutes.

When a red car pulled up and Eren stepped out, Levi fought to keep the flush out of his cheeks. Eren wore a blue tee featuring some or another logo, which was nothing Levi hadn’t seen before, but below that were white shorts, barely reaching mid-thigh. Unable to tear his eyes away from the exposed skin, like smooth caramel, sweet and tempting and _there…_

He let his gaze linger until Eren had caught sight of him and grinned, wasting no time in rushing forwards.

“Hey! I hope you weren’t waiting too long,” Eren said sheepishly, though Levi hadn’t waited long at all. Eren arrived precisely two minutes and forty-seven seconds after their agreed time—it was him who’d been early.

“I wasn’t,” Levi assured. “Wanna go in?”

Eren nodded, and so they went. The mall, though populated, was not crowded. A big weight off Levi’s shoulders, but it did little to hinder the hammering of his heart against his ribcage. As they walked, he was acutely aware of Eren’s presence beside him, as if there was electricity between them, shocking him. Having never been to this place before, he let Eren lead the way, and perhaps he should have paid attention to their surroundings in order to gain some sense of direction, but how could he when his love-to-be was next to him, donning such revealing clothes, and his confession was approaching like a tidal wave?

So he was out of it as they traversed the mall, only taking in the fair amount of shops they passed by and the way Eren looked excitedly over them. Eventually, they stopped in front of one: a pet shop with small dogs sitting in the display windows.

Eren gasped and cooed, and Levi had to force down another flush. “Look at how cute they are!”

One of the dogs blinked owlishly at Eren, who placed his hand on the glass. But as Levi watched, his smile fell slowly off his face, shoulders hunching.

“It’s sad that they’re all locked up here, though. They’re trapped. These windows are really small, too…”

Levi allowed himself to speak. “The people who trapped them here are protecting them, though. Better than being a stray.”

“That’s true, but!” Eren pressed his hand harder against the glass. “It’s so cruel to treat a living thing like this! At least at shelters they give the dogs space, but here… It’s like they’re imprisoned.”

The dog that had focused on Eren was now looking at Levi imploringly. If it were human, Levi would think it was trying to tell him something.

***

He tried to participate in Eren’s conversations, he really did. But his stomach was churning and he was mentally running through what he would say, growing red with frustration because nothing was good enough, and then his stomach would churn some more until his meager breakfast of toast with jam would rise in his throat…

So he couldn’t do much else except nod and grunt, and of course Eren wasn’t stupid, so he stopped abruptly in front of a fountain. Levi turned to him, puzzled.

“Okay, what’s wrong?” Eren asked, crossing his arms.

“What—”

“Don’t, Levi. You’ve barely been responding to me. Are you sick? If so then you can go home… Or is there something on your mind? You can talk to me, you know.” Eren’s words were rushed and high and Levi wanted to cherish his rambling. “Or am I just boring? I’m sorry if that’s the case—”

“You’re not boring,” Levi quickly said, rejecting such a notion. “I’m just…”

He trailed off. Eren tilted his head at him, and the fountain gurgled peacefully, and the seconds were inching by. Levi felt as though a puzzle piece had fallen into place, because now was the time. He opened his mouth to speak…

But his tongue felt swollen in his mouth, the words unable to get around it. His hands trembled at his side, damp with sweat, and his heart was thumping painfully, eyes watering, breath growing quicker.

“Sorry,” he forced out, gargled. “I have to use the bathroom.”

And he ran. Around the corner, past the stores, the people blurring. He didn’t stop until he reached a restroom, thankfully not too far away, locking himself in a stall just like he’d done yesterday. He sat on the toilet and buried his face in his palms, taking in a gulp of air.

Why was he so afraid? This is how it was meant to go: a confession, and the blooming of a relationship. However—he couldn’t find the words. They all felt clunky on his lips, frigid in his mind. None of them were adequate for Eren, beautiful Eren, who he was meant to be with…

That’s right. They were meant to be together; why else would Levi feel the way he did, do the things he’d done? Why else would Eren continue to accept him, be around him? Eren had chosen him over his own best friends, and gazed at him with such loving eyes.

He just had to do it. Like ripping off a band-aid.

Levi left the stall when his hands stopped shaking, splashing his face with cold water and heading back out. It didn’t take long to find Eren, standing exactly where he’d left him, peering around confusedly, bright eyes widening upon catching sight of Levi.

“Are you okay?” he asked with genuine concern.

“Yes, I’m fine,” Levi answered, unable to keep the softness from his voice. “I just feel a bit sick sometimes. I can deal with it. Let’s keep going.”

And so they did.

***

Levi concentrated a little more on their conversation this time, trying as hard as he could despite the fact that his heart rate was again speeding up.

The first time he heard the name _Erwin Smith,_ he thought nothing of it. Eren mentioned it in passing, and at the moment Levi was looking away, so he didn’t notice Eren’s eyes sparkle or his smile widen.

Five minutes later, Eren brought up the name again. And again. Until his rambling was centered on how cool this person was, how smart and most importantly, how free. Levi spent no time pondering whatever that last comment could mean; he was consumed by the familiar carnal feeling of before, burning white hot in his chest, and soon he couldn’t take it.

“Who’s Erwin Smith?” he asked, voice notably lower, though Eren didn’t seem to care.

“Oh, he’s the student body president. A senior. Some people say he’s cold, but I think he's awesome. We haven’t officially met, though…” The gods answered Levi’s prayers and Eren changed the subject. “But anyway, where to now?”

Levi glanced around, an area to the right catching his eye. The rooms were currently empty and unlit, shops not yet set up, and it was devoid of passersby. Sunlight streamed in through the skylights, making it vacant but not gloomy.

“Come over here for a second, Eren.” He made his way there, listening to the slap of Eren’s sneakers against the floor behind him.

Once there, he took a deep breath, letting it out slowly, clenching his fists to prevent them from shaking. He rehearsed his lines in his head, once, twice, before lifting his eyes to meet Eren’s. When he opened his mouth, he was relieved to find that his tongue lay comfortably, ready to shape the words.

“Eren, there’s something I need you to know.”

Eren gave a stiff nod of his head, his brows furrowed adorably. Levi didn’t let himself look away from his pretty green and gold irises, mustering up all the courage he had. And he spoke.

“This has been a long time coming, but I’m finally ready.”

Another deep breath through the nose.

“Eren, I—”

Then, abruptly, cruelly, Eren’s phone rang.

“Ah! Sorry, I have to take this,” he said as he walked away.

Levi’s stood in a stupor before letting out a bitter snort. Did fate think this was funny? A joke? Now he would have to wait and try again. But he would try again. He must.

Eren returned after a couple minutes. “Sorry about that. Connie told me there’s a party next Saturday and that I should go. He always calls instead of texting… Anyway, what were you saying?”

“Forget it, let’s go.”

Levi would try again.

At least, that’s what he told himself. But as time dragged on and they explored more of the mall, he spoke not a word of his confession. Even when they ate at the food court and the opportunity was there and ripe, Eren ready to listen in front of him, the crowds off at other tables, his lips remained sealed.

It was not long until he peered outside and saw streaks of pink across the sky, realizing with dread that his window was closing, and his gut returned to tying itself in knots. He imagined himself running to a door in the distance, watching the light beyond it get smaller, until it slammed shut.

And then he was standing outside the mall again, watching Eren approach that same red car, feet rooted in place.

“See you at school!” Eren called, waving gleefully.

That knocked Levi right out of his trance.

“Wait!” he shouted, surging forward. Eren jolted.

Levi stopped in front of him, panting, and looked up, but he couldn’t say it, not here, not as his world was spinning…

“Levi?” Eren inquired.

An idea flickered to life, and he offered Eren his hand. Eren was smart enough to know what this meant. After all, he was like Levi. He understood him, so surely he would understand this… And after a moment, Eren offered his hand, too. Levi grasped onto it, sparks racing through his body.

_He let me take his hand. He got it. And he accepted it. He accepted it. He accepted it._

Levi couldn’t think straight, but he knew that the flowers had bloomed. At last, their relationship had begun.

***

For once, Levi stepped into his house feeling nothing but joy, washing over him warmly. Flopping onto his bed, he closed his eyes and savored it, feeling like he was floating on a cloud above society, above everyone else. For the second time in his life, the tears rolling down his cheeks were welcome.

Later that evening, he piled up his romance novels in the fireplace, only saving one: his favorite. And he watched as flames rolled over them, darkening the covers, eating the pages.

He wouldn’t need them anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should just title this fic "Overuse of Italics" smh.  
> Now listen, I don't know how y'all feel about Eruren. Although I find it interesting, I'm aware that it's nowhere near the most realistic or acceptable ship. The reason I made it Erwin was because I couldn't think of another character with the personality to fit the part except Levi, and obviously that wouldn't work (you might see what I mean later on, I'm not sure). Also, bear in mind that I've altered some of the ages, like Levi's and Erwin's, so that they're much closer to Eren's.  
> SORRY THAT THIS CHAPTER IS LATE BECAUSE I'M PUBLISHING PAST MIDNIGHT. I got caught up in playing Guild Wars 2 with my gf, oml.  
> As always, thanks for reading!! ^^ Feedback is appreciated.~  
> Edit: I've also realized that I've been using screenwriting techniques to plan the story when I'm writing in the style of a novel. Oh well, lololol.


	9. Down, Down, Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You might have noticed that I've started titling the chapters. It helps highlight certain plot points for me and brings overall clarity, so I hope they're good!  
> More importantly, warnings for this chapter: manipulation and very slight abuse (physical and kind of verbal; the second isn't said to the face) but nothing extreme.

Levi had been staring at the same math problem for ten minutes. The numbers turned blurry against the page, out of focus as his mind was somewhere else, far away.

It had been two weeks since his confession. Each day after school he would walk Eren to his bus stop, and on Wednesdays he would visit his house to study. He sat next to Eren at lunch and followed behind him in the halls. Sometimes on the weekends, he would climb the same tree as before and gaze through the window into Eren’s room, taking in which posters he chose to put up, how pleasantly clean he kept it. Eren was often out and about during this time, but Levi saw no reason to worry. After all, Eren wouldn’t believe Mikasa or Armin anymore.

And yet, it felt lacking in something or the other. When they walked side-by-side, Levi often felt the urge to grasp Eren’s hand, and when they were alone in the living room, he wanted to envelope Eren’s body with his own, close his eyes, and sleep. Once it had been raining outside and they’d sprinted to shelter, and Levi could see Eren’s light green shirt cling to his skin—suddenly he felt very hot despite the chill in the air.

But Eren never took his hand or let him hold him. They had yet to share their first kiss. So begun Levi’s doubt, gnawing away at the corners of his mind until it eventually took center stage.

He dropped his pencil onto his book and ran a hand through his hair, grimacing at the tangles his fingers caught in. It seemed he’d forgotten to comb it again. He would have to remember to this evening and again tomorrow morning. Appearing this way in front of Eren would be unacceptable. For now, though, he had other matters to attend to.

He set aside his textbook and picked up a black notepad, skimming through the pages, reviewing their contents. In here, he’d written tips for himself—for his relationship. Reminders what Eren liked, disliked, watched, read, his classes, his favorite songs, when he went to bed and woke up… Without tangible proof, he felt as though he’d forget, despite going over it until he’d converted it to memory. If he couldn’t look at these words, he would be unsure, anxious, like Eren could slip away from him at any moment. But writing such facts down and then reading them again and again, knowing that the ink could not be erased, he felt a tie between him and his beloved. An unbreakable bond.

Levi didn’t return to his work that night, instead opting to bike to Eren’s house and peek through the window just once. He had memorized the route, so as he rode, he let himself focus on the sharp breeze against his skin. Cold and biting.

***

To Levi’s discontent, Kenny entered his room late on Tuesday night, without knocking and disturbing his peace, too.

“What?” Levi grumbled.

Kenny crossed his arms and leaned against the door frame. “What’s up with you?”

He blinked. “What?”

“You think I’m stupid or something? Your grades. They’re shit right now.”

“Oh.” It’s true he hadn’t been paying attention to his grades. In his defense, he hadn’t meant to let them slip—but who could blame him, really, when there was Eren to concentrate on, his beautiful Eren who deserved every bit of his awareness? And wasn’t it romantic that he had been spending so much time on Eren that he’d forgotten his studies?

Kenny sighed loudly, breaking Levi from his thoughts. “Just try getting ‘em back up, alright? They don’t have to be perfect, but Fs and Ds… What would your mother say?”

Levi supposed the comment was meant to be light-hearted, but he immediately stiffened, his previous tranquility forgotten entirely. “Get out.”

Fortunately, Kenny took the hint. As he closed the door behind him, he murmured, “I don’t understand you, Levi. Not one bit.”

***

Another Wednesday strolled by. Like always, Levi accompanied Eren to his home, whereupon they started studying right away. Or Eren did, at least. Levi couldn’t stop himself from staring out of the corner of his eye at his face, raking over his features, satisfied with the beauty but also searching for a sign. Of what, he wasn’t sure. Perhaps… longing…

“Gotta use the bathroom, I’ll be right back,” Eren said, bouncing upward and heading off.

Levi turned, glancing about the room. Surely there must be something to tell him what he could do for Eren, how he could advance their relationship. He pushed himself to his feet and drifted to around, tossing a look over his shoulder, finding the bathroom door still shut. Then he found himself wandering upstairs, swiftly but silently, rushing into Eren’s open bedroom. He wasted no time absorbing the scene, having observed it before. Rather, he surveyed the room, scouring for something of potential use, anything to give him more insight…

There, a desk. Pulling open a drawer, he was met with a fair-sized book sporting a brown leather cover, the word “journal” stamped across the front, and his breath caught in his throat. As he reached for it, though, he paused.

_Is this okay? My boyfriend’s journal… His own thoughts are here._ They were. Right at his fingertips. But something held him back—for the first time, he felt a qualm, a boundary not to be crossed. If someone else ever went through his journal, he would feel violated, having been robbed of something that should only be his.

Then again, Eren was his, wasn’t he? And he was Eren’s. Levi was certain that he wouldn’t mind Eren going through his journal, so why should he feel this way? To make Eren wholly his, he would need to know every last thing about him, and what better way than this? So he pinched the cover between two fingers, slowly lifting it…

From downstairs, the flush of a toilet and hiss of a faucet. Levi slammed the drawer and raced back down, cautious of his footsteps. He threw himself back on the couch just as the door opened and Eren exited.

When he gave him a curious look, Levi stammered out a “I was stretching.”

***

At lunch the next day, Eren was more talkative with his friends than Levi, who sat stewing in his misery, jaw clenched.

“Eren, man,” laughed Connie, “you totally forgot about the party, didn’t you?”

“Oh.” A palm to the face. “Yeah, sorry. When is it again? I know Saturday but what time? And where?”

“Starts at nine, going until midnight. It’s at Galliard’s house.”

“Oh, uh…” Levi eyed Eren inquisitively as he rubbed the back of his neck. “I don’t know, Connie. I have this huge project and—”

“Smith will be there.”

Eren jolted upright, his mouth falling open and red dusting his cheeks. Levi grinded his teeth again at that name, the effect it had on _his boyfriend…_

“I’ll be there. But, ehh…” He turned right, left, and settled his eyes on Levi. “Ah! Levi, please do me this one solid, go to this party with me.”

Levi’s lungs seemed to fill with water at the word _party_. But as he considered it, it dawned on him that, of course, Eren was asking him on a date. That could only mean that they both equally wanted a loving, romantic relationship. What’s more—when Levi pictured Eren all alone at this party, with that person in the same room…

“Okay. I’ll go.”

***

Saturday came too soon. Too quickly was his uncle driving him to the given address as he sat in the passenger seat, trying to calm his breath. Then the car stopped and he was being dropped off on the lawn of a huge house, larger than he’d ever seen before, at least four stories with a glistening pool outside and lights flashing through the windows, the bass of the music sending tremors through Levi’s bones even from where he stood. And people. People were everywhere.

He closed his eyes and steeled himself, imagining Eren just inside, waiting for him. Up the entryway he went, doing his best to ignoring the questioning stares, the throng of bodies. He lifted his head once he was inside, scanning the wide living room, and sure enough Eren was waiting near the entrance, sipping red liquid from a plastic cup.

“Levi!” he yelled over the bass. “Thank God. I need your help.”

Levi was all ears. “What is it?”

“I, er— Look to your right, ahead of you. Tall with blond hair, thick eyebrows, strong jaw. Like some kind of military commander or something.”

It took no time at all to catch sight of such a person. “Yes, and?”

“That’s Erwin Smith.”

His eyes widened. Suddenly, the broad shoulders and sturdy muscles stood out to him all too much, like the sight of a bear trap on forest grounds, making him wary.

“Can you help me talk to him?”

His head snapped to face Eren, unbelieving, veins filling with the white hot feeling of fury until his fists clenched. “Why?” he hissed.

Eren looked taken aback, blinking. “I…” For an excruciating moment, he said nothing. Then, “I just want to be his friend, I guess…”

Levi let out a hearty breath, body relaxing. Yes, of course. Eren was too sweet, too kind to betray him like that. Even so, gazing at Smith, he got a foreboding feeling, as if something rotten would happen if Eren spoke to him. And why would he let him? Eren needed no new friends, he had plenty.

“Eren,” he started cooly. “If you want to be his friend, a party isn’t the best place to start. Look around, it’s crowded and sweaty and unpleasant. You’d be better off meeting him in a more quiet environment.”

Eren lidded his eyes, peering at his shoes. “I don’t know. I’ve been meaning to do this for a while—”

“Don’t you trust me?” Levi pressed, and instantly Eren’s eyes met his again, wide and shimmering.

“I do! Sorry, I’m sure you’re right. I’ll just do it some other time.”

Satisfied, they found seats at a table and conversed. The music was still loud and drowned out some of their words, but even then, Levi was happy with Eren’s smile, how it moved as he rambled. It was his sole comfort in the sea of people, shouting and singing and dancing.

But as more people arrived and skin brushed against skin, it got too much, and his brain felt like static, so he made an excuse and staggered into the closest empty bathroom he could find, leaning heavily against the door, breathing in and out, splashing his face with cold water, smoothing down his hair.

When he returned, Eren was gone. In his place was Marco.

“Where’s Eren?”

Marco’s expression was one of either concern or pity, neither of which Levi gave a rat’s ass about because Eren was gone from his sight and he felt tiny little ants crawling over his skin.

“He went to go talk to someone, but he didn’t want to leave you alone. He said you looked uncomfortable here.”

No shit. But shouldn’t Eren know by now that leaving him would only make matters worse for the both of them? Levi wasn’t there to protect him against all those who wanted to taint him. And did Marco just say—

“Talk to who?” When Marco hesitated, Levi leaned in closer, his question a snarl. “Talk to _who?_ ”

“Erwin Smith.” He pointed, and without a doubt there Eren was, exchanging words with that mountain of a boy, who was smiling friend cordially and nodding along to what was being said, flashing straight white teeth.

“Levi, where are you going?” Marco asked, grabbing his arm. Levi hadn’t even noticed himself marching forward. All he knew was the coil in his stomach that was damn near the verge of snapping, the pounding headache, and the need to get Eren out.

“Let me go.”

“If you’re mad at Eren, please know that he was worried about you—”

“Bull-fucking-shit. If he was worried he wouldn’t have left me alone to go talk to Eyebrows. Let me the fuck go so I can teach that bitch a lesson.”

He hadn’t noticed his own choice of words, and it seemed neither had Marco, too caught up in the outburst. He tore his arm from Marco’s grasp and strode towards Eren, face flushed down into the neck where the veins throbbed and bulged. When he was close enough, he reached out and grabbed Eren’s wrist. Eren startled and jolted around.

Before he could get a word out, Levi spat, “I’m done with this party. We’re going.”

“Wha—”

“And who are you?” a deep voice inquired. Levi faced Erwin Smith, hatred simmering within him as he met icy blue eyes.

“None of your fucking business. Eren, let’s go.”

“Wait. He doesn’t have to go with you if he doesn’t want. You can go and he can stay.”

His grip on Eren tightened until it was bruising. At Eren’s small squeak, he looked over at him.

“Uh, yeah,” Eren said meekly. “I want to stay.”

Levi itched to slam his fist into the window and send glass flying. A moment was spent staring at Eren before an idea flashed like a lightbulb, a tactic that had previously worked and sure it wasn’t the nicest but it was for their best. The greater good.

So he forced his expression as best as he could into one of sorrow, which wasn’t too troublesome considering the pain that the sight of Eren speaking with Erwin had already brought him.

“Please, Eren. I feel sick and uncomfortable and right now I don’t think I can handle going home on my own. You understand, right?”

Each time Eren tried to look away, Levi tightened his grip further until he returned his gaze. Erwin stood silent next to them.

“I… I’m…” Eren’s brows were drawn together, eyes darting back and forth. To Levi’s surprise, Erwin made no move to interject, and eventually Eren sighed. “Okay. I get it, I’m sorry.”

Levi gave a tight-lipped smile. “Thank you. Let’s go.”

***

Kenny agreed to pick him up at Eren’s house. As they waited, Levi brought Eren an ice pack for his bruised wrist despite the latter’s protests. Looking over the small splotch of black and blue, Levi despised himself for causing harm to his beautiful Eren. He promised that it would never happen again, and when he got home, he recorded it in his notebook. Even so, he couldn’t help but admire how pretty it looked against that tan skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, my only excuse for getting this out over an hour late is that I just forgot, omg. But here it is! I'm more proud of this one than usual, and it's also longer, ayyy.  
> Things are picking up now, huh? Thank you for reading!! Feedback is appreciated, and much love to those who've continuously been providing it! <3


	10. Like A Superhero

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: very harsh words (telling someone they should die), panic attack, talk of sexual assault (manipulating someone into making false accusations), general unhappiness.

Levi had tried to ignore it, tried to find a way around it, but there was no doubt about it.

Eren was getting closer to that boy. Talking to him at lunch, walking with him through the halls, laughing and smiling pleasantly and Smith, that disgusting Smith who left a vile taste in Levi’s mouth, laughed and smiled back.

Each day Eren became bolder, laughing louder and grinning wider, and he’d turned from where he always used to face Levi at lunch to talk to that person, who had started eating with them. And no one else cared. None of them minded. It was only him, like always, all alone, and becoming more alone now that Eren was leaving him behind.

He felt sick. There were days when he couldn’t stomach the thought of going to school without nausea overcoming him and he would stay home, which wasn’t much better at all seeing as it gave him time to think over the horrible situation again and again, but it was still favorable over seeing Eren with _him._

And he tried using logic, assuring himself that Eren had said he only saw Smith as a friend and that their relationship was too strong for it to fall apart like this. He even resorted to faith—God wouldn’t be so cruel as to put him through this, so he shouldn’t worry. But nothing helped, and eventually he ran out of tears so he just sat on his bed, staring at nothing, numb.

Well, not exactly. There was one thing that worked: he would pull up photos of Eren, or even just imagine him. Smiling for only him. And warmth would fill his heart to the brim until reality set in once more.

Eren was too beautiful, in body and soul alike. Levi decidedly loved him. Of course, he’d already known, but going over it again and again in his head helped to quell the despair rising up within. _I love him, I love him, I love him._ Once that wasn’t enough: _he loves me, he loves me, he loves me._

***

Kenny eventually made him return to school. By then, the skies were gray with the early November weather. Icy and bitter. He didn’t bother wearing layers, appreciating the effect the chill had on him, reminding him that he was still alive.

Eren caught sight of him in the halls, eyes widening as he rushed over. Levi thanked the heavens that Smith wasn’t with him.

“Levi! Hey, where were you? Are you okay? I was going to text you but… I forgot…”

Levi’s heart tightened, and he was quick to console himself. Eren just forgot, a simple mistake.

“I’m fine, I just had a cold.” A pause. “You were worried?”

Eren blinked. “I mean, yeah. Of course.”

He almost felt a weight lifted from his shoulders, though there was another question begging to be asked, agonizing yet necessary.

“You’re still getting along with Smith?”

Eren’s face lit up, and immediately the weight was dropped back onto him. He hated it, hated it so much, wanted to scratch off that smile with his fingernails—

“Yup! He’s so cool, like, he’s popular but he doesn’t refuse to talk to me or anything. So we’ve been hanging out a lot. And we actually have more in common than I expected.”

Levi unsheathed his old tool, one that had never failed him. “I don’t know about him, Eren. I’ve heard him say some pretty screwed up stuff. I think it’s best to avoid him for now.”

Eren pursed his lips, disappointment washing over his face. “He told me you might say something like that.”

An unfamiliar coldness stole Levi’s breath. They stood in silence as he grappled for something to say. “What? He told you what?”

“That you’d try to make him look back.”

“And you believe him over me?”

Furrowed brows. “I haven’t known you for that long—”

“That doesn’t matter. You trust me of all people, right?”

“Levi, you’re not listening to me. Erwin said what you did at the party was psychological abuse. You can’t just manipulate me like this—!”

Oh shit. Eren was angry at him, green eyes burning furiously, crushing Levi beneath their glare. He pushed his feelings down, deep down, forcing them away because it was more important that Eren was angry at him, something that was never meant to happen.

“I’m sorry,” Levi rasped. “Really. Are we still up for Wednesday?”

Eren tilted his head, clearly not expecting Levi to apologize straight away. After one frigid moment, he sighed, shoulders slumping, and said, “Sure. I’m sorry, too, for yelling.”

After Eren walked off, Levi allowed himself to feel relieved before processing the meaning behind Eren’s words earlier. Unable to keep it contained, he left a dent in a nearby locker.

***

Hatred was a word Levi had not known well before. He knew loneliness, and cold, and sadness, and even disgust. But he was never familiar with the feeling of loathing something’s very existence, despising even to look at it, wanting to wipe it off the face of the Earth—until now.

It was after school on a Wednesday, and as usual, he was at Eren’s house. For once, he was farther ahead in the work than Eren, who hadn’t done a single problem, too busy with gushing over that _monster._

“At first I just thought he was cool, but he’s actually amazing,” he chirped, voice pitched with excitement, eyes crinkled at the edges. “He’s really smart and athletic, but what I like most is that he’s so heroic and such a leader. Like, he does so much volunteer work and obviously he’s the student body president, and he’s not afraid to do the right thing. He’s like a superhero.”

Why must Levi be tortured this way? Was he really such shit that the world felt the need to scorn him, to bring him this? He stared at the pencil in his grip, straining and cracking until it snapped in two. The wood cut into his skin.

“Eren, please.” His voice was sore and strained from trying to convince Eren. “I promise you, he’s done bad things. He’ll hurt you.”

Eren’s smile dropped. He raised his fingers to his temples, rubbing them. When he spoke, he sounded tired, irritated. “Can you just stop this? I already told you I’m not falling for it anymore. I know what you’re doing, but I don’t know why, and I want to help you but… You’re making it so hard.”

He turned to face Levi, meeting his eyes unflinchingly. “Stop trying to manipulate me into staying away from Erwin. I’m not your little puppet.”

Levi didn’t say a word for the rest of their session, stewing in his own misery. Hatred was not what he would have expected; it was a steady burn, not quick and rash like rage, rather simmering and growing and eating away at him. And from this flame he concluded that Erwin Smith must leave the picture.

***

To Levi’s surprise, it was not only him who was gloomy at lunch on Thursday afternoon. The entire table felt somber, centered around Krista who was weeping into her hands, Ymir embracing her and the others offering comforting words. He found Eren, who was off to the side, eyes watery and fists clenched.

“What happened?” he asked, hoping that Eren’s anger towards him was forgotten.

Either his prayers were answered or Eren simply didn’t care at the moment. “Krista found out her dad’s super homophobic. He said something in a business call and she overheard it. And she and Ymir are in a relationship… She wanted to tell him soon.”

“Oh.” Then, out of nothing more than pure curiosity, he asked, “Where does he work?”

“Survey Corps. He’s the CEO, and he said that gay people ruin business or some other bullshit.”

Levi’s heart leapt out of his chest. “Rod Reiss?”

Eren cast him a puzzled glance. “Yeah, how did you know?”

“My uncle works closely with him.”

It was true. When Kenny finally decided to shape up, he got a job at Survey Corps., and as the years passed he grew in position until he became closely affiliated with the CEO himself. Now, pieces were falling into place around Levi, forming what could only be a miracle.

It seemed God wasn’t entirely against him, after all.

***

As lunch came to a close, Levi followed Krista and Ymir out of the cafeteria, watching from around the corner as they shared a peck on the lips and parted ways. For a second, he detested how easy it was more them, before coming to his senses and realizing that his target was getting away.

He caught up to Krista and called out to her. She turned around, smiling politely.

“Hi, Levi.”

“No time for pleasantries. Listen to me. This is how this is going to work.” He looked over his shoulder, then leaned in closely, lowering his voice. “You are going to go to the principal crying and tell him that Erwin Smith… assaulted you just outside the school on Friday evening.”

Krista froze, her jaw falling open. She didn’t speak for a minute, shocked. Then, “What? Assaulted?”

“Sexually,” he clarified. A student committing a sexual assault was grounds for expulsion in this school, even when no evidence was provided. He distinctly remembered so from an incident a couple years ago, although it still wasn’t known whether or not it was legitimate.

“Excuse me?” she yelled. Levi flinched and grabbed her arm, holding it tightly.

“Keep your voice down. You will do this—”

“Like hell I will.”

“—or I’ll message my uncle to tell your father about your relationship. He’s a close affiliate to Rod Reiss so it wouldn’t take long at all, and knowing your father, you would be hated and shunned.”

Krista stood there, frozen, eyes wide and partially glazed over. She shook her head and spoke. “No. I still won’t do it. I can go to the office right now and tell them what you just asked me to do and they’ll take away your phone or prevent your uncle from talking to my dad.”

“No you can’t. I have the message ready to send right now and my uncle would get into contact right away with Reiss, faster than anything you could possibly do.”

She chewed the inside of her cheek anxiously. “I… Even if you tell my father, that’s not worse than me lying about someone doing that to me and getting them wrongfully expelled.”

Levi tilted his head mockingly, narrowing his eyes. “It’s not? I’ve heard conversations between my uncle and your father, and I know how much he despises people like you. As soon as he hears, he’ll disown you and kick you out, and then he’ll forbid any relatives from taking you in. So you’ll be walking the streets alone, homeless. He might even do something to Ymir, too.” An exaggeration, but it seemed to be working.

“You’re bluffing.”

“Are you willing to test that?”

Krista was sweating now, nearly trembling. She closed her eyes as she thought it over, mental cogs whirring. Just one more push.

“Is protecting one person you don’t even know more important to you than saving yourself, your girlfriend, and your relationship?” Levi lifted his phone. Krista’s eyes wandered shakingly up to it. “My finger’s over the send button. Will you do it or not?”

As if preventing herself from thinking of it any further, she blurted, “Fine. I’ll do it today.”

As she hobbled off unsteadily, Levi watched, bubbles of guilt rising, quickly popped as he reminded himself that this was all for the best, for the good of his and Eren’s relationship.

***

That same day, Mikasa intercepted him for the first time in weeks, standing in his way along the sidewalk. He hadn’t paid attention to her or Armin lately, especially since they were hardly any threat compared to Eyebrows. Now here she was in front of him, arms crossed and eyes blazing, scarf ruffled in the breeze.

“Eren told me about how you hurt him,” she hissed. “You bruised him at the party.”

Levi’s stomach clenched. He wanted to put his hands over his ears and close his eyes, make the memories of him harming his beautiful Eren go away.

“Oh, you don’t like that? How do you think he felt?” She spoke in a sharp whisper, hateful to him as he was to Erwin. “That’s called physical abuse, you piece of shit.”

“I didn’t mean to,” he weakly replied, only infuriating her more. She latched onto the collar of his shirt.

“Like fuck you didn’t. You’re _scum._ I knew I was right not to trust you. You don’t deserve to be near Eren, you son of a bitch. Just fucking _die._ ”

With that, she shoved him to the ground and stalked off. Levi picked himself up, sniffing pathetically. He wrapped his arms around himself as he waited to be picked up.

In his bed, he buried his face in his pillow as he remembered grabbing Eren, the darkness of Eren’s wrist afterwards, how he’d yelled at him and called him a bitch. His mind flashed with thoughts of black and blue on skin and crimson blood, and he hurried to shove them away but the more he tried the greater they became until it was all he could think of. Levi really was shit. Undeserving. But no, he couldn’t be. No, he promised he wouldn’t do it again, and he loved Eren and Eren loved him, and he wouldn’t have to be alone again, and, and, and—

It was ten at night, and Levi was hyperventilating into his pillow, hot tears streaking his face as he clutched the fabric, feeling as if he were dying. Was he dying? His hands were shaking, heart pounding, body tingling, and the world was swaying around him. His chest screamed in pain. He was dying, he was dying, he was dying.

An hour later, feeling hollow, Levi called Eren and told him that he was coming over. He rode his bike without feeling, and walked numbly up the front porch, watching through blurry eyes as the door opened. He took Eren in his arm, resting his chin on his shoulder, taking in the warmth of his body, muttering apologies. Eren let him, and murmured that everything would be okay.

Not long after, he was led inside to the sofa and given a mug of tea, which he nursed. Eren sat opposite him, laptop open, until he eventually sighed and closed it, walking cautiously towards Levi, speaking gently.

“I looked it up, and… I really think you should get some help… I want to help you, but I don’t really know enough.”

Levi scoffed lightly at the notion. “It’s okay, I don’t need that.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

There was nothing wrong with Levi Ackerman whatsoever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that I'm getting this out a bit late again, ha. Something tells me this won't be an irregular occurrence. I have a legitimate excuse this time, though, and I won't bore you with the details but my night wasn't too good. It's over now, though.  
> Anyways, wow, what an absolutely fluffy, joyful chapter, am I right? Buckle in, kiddos. I thought I'd finally add a certain tag regarding attraction since it isn't really a spoiler anymore (was it one in the first place?). As always, feedback is my fuel, and thank you for reading!!~


	11. Usurper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I've created a YT playlist for this fic, to set the mood. The songs are ones that remind me of the story in one way or another (sometimes just the melody, not necessarily the lyrics since those don't always entirely fit). You can listen to it if you want to get more into it or if you're just curious. The higher up the song on the list, the more I felt it fit, and I might add more and/or rearrange them: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLJC_BuUvwOfSHGAemESxyxavLR0Y4oqqm
> 
> Secondly, warnings for this chapter: mention of a (false) sexual assault allegation, depression and panic, violent thoughts/imagery (not too graphic), brief talk of self-hatred.

The next day—Friday—Levi was called down to the principal’s office. He walked slowly, dread filling his veins, burning in his stomach and tingling in his fingertips. The counselor beckoned him inside with a stiff wave of the hand, and the door snapped shut behind him.

The office was small, but still large enough to fit the five of them: the principal, counselor, Levi, Krista, and Erwin Smith.

Levi was gestured to sit on the couch facing the desk, between Krista and Smith. Seeing no way out of it, he did so, on the verge of trembling. He stared down at his lap, refusing to look at anyone. For a terrible moment, they all sat in silence, the only sound the ticking of the clock. Then…

“Mister Ackerman. I’m sure you know why you’re here.”

He did.

“Yesterday, we received a rape allegation from Miss Reiss against Erwin Smith,” the principal continued. “When asked to elaborate, Krista said that the assault occurred after school on the third, outside the school, near the dumpsters. Erwin denied this, so we looked at the security camera footage from the time.”

A shock ran down Levi’s spine. The cameras. Of course, how could he have been so stupid…!

“We found absolutely nothing. Krista told us that she was made to make these false claims by you.”

More silence. More ticking. Levi cast a sideways glance to Krista, despising how guilty she looked.

“You realize how serious this is, right, Mister Ackerman?” the principal continued, rhythmically tapping his desk. “It’s grounds for expulsion.”

Levi jolted. Expulsion! No, that couldn’t happen—how would he see Eren, talk to him, keep him safe?

“Let me call my uncle in,” he finally spoke. Kenny was a masterful negotiator, surely he would help him just this once in his life.

The principal and counselor exchanged looks. “We were going to inform him of the situation anyway, so I don’t see why not. In the meantime, we’re sending you home for the rest of the day. The three of you are dismissed.”

As they rose to their feet, Levi finally mustered up the courage to look at Smith, expecting a victorious smile or prideful smirk, surprised when he saw only a slight frown. But it did nothing to dull his sharp anger, the urge to wrap his hands around that neck.

***

At home, Levi spent the hours staring at the ceiling, drifting in and out of reality, emotions coming and going. He didn’t sit upright even when he heard the lock of the front door turning, footsteps approaching, his bedroom door creaking open.

“You’re damn lucky I’m good with people, kid,” Kenny grumbled. “Managed to get you a two week suspension and a warning instead of an expulsion. Why the hell did you pull a stunt like this?”

He said nothing, staring blankly. Mindlessly.

“You know how disappointing this is for me? How embarrassing? What would your mother think?”

A clenched jaw.

“You’re not gonna say anything? Ya need to own up to it, Levi.”

“Get out.”

“What?”

“I said get out. Leave.” He closed his eyes, refusing to listen to anything else that Kenny might have to say, only opening them when he heard the door close. Finding himself alone once again.

He sat up, thinking over what he’d just heard, processing it. Then, with all his strength and energy, he punched his pillow until he fell over and drifted off.

***

The weekend was spent scrolling through his photos of Eren, tracing his index finger over the shape of his body. Flipping through the pages of his journal and reluctantly recording the happenings of the past week. Barricading his door to keep his uncle—and the rest of the world—out.

Come Monday, he’d only left his room to use the bathroom and grab food and drink. He stared some more at the ceiling, wanting to sleep but unable to, feeling nothing but empty and heavy all at once. His feet dragged when he walked from one room to the next, weighing him down. Nothing beckoned to him at all.

On Tuesday, he came to the realization that while he was here, Eren was still at school with that boy. After pressing his face against the flattened pillow to muffle his hyperventilation, he grabbed his phone and called Eren, scratching at his wrist as he waited.

Voicemail.

He waited half an hour before calling again, getting the same result. Another half hour. Then ten minutes. Then five. And then he was calling again and again with no pause, each time receiving no answer.

Head spinning, he launched his phone across the room and pulled at his hair, trying fruitlessly to calm his breathing. He slammed his head against the mattress until exhausted overtook him and he dreamed of drowning in an open sea, still feeling the water in his lungs the next day—Wednesday.

Which was when Levi forced himself out of the house and as close to the campus as he could go. He waited behind a tree near the sidewalk that Eren would always go down, telling himself that he was only here to observe. But when he caught sight of Eren rounding the corner, surrounded by his friends, Smith by his side, Levi was unable to stop himself from rushing forwards.

“Eren,” he breathed, voice raspy from disuse. The group looked at him, first in surprise before their faces scrunched up in disgust.

“The fuck are you doing here?” Jean asked. A question that yielded no answer.

“Eren,” he repeated, “can we talk? Alone?”

Eren shifted his weight, gazing downward, posture stiff.

“Hell no! You think Eren wants to talk to you after what you did?” Connie shouted.

Levi turned to Smith, a familiar burn filling him at the sight of his face, blank as a slate. “You told them?” he seethed, beginning to shake.

“Of course,” was the reply. “They have a right to know, and you need to face the consequences.”

Levi was speechless, his face twisted and veins popping. He wanted, oh how he wanted to dig his nails into the skin of Smith’s face, rip it right off. And he could’ve, would’ve, if not for Eren in front of him, still looking at his own feet.

“Eren,” he said again. “Please, just talk to me.”

Without lifting his head, Eren mumbled, “I… need time, Levi. Just give me time to think everything over.”

Wanting to say more but not knowing what, Levi backed away slowly, disappearing around the bend, hiding once again. Peeking out when he heard the slaps of their shoes against concrete, he watched on as they laughed together, as Smith talked to Eren and Eren talked back.

Levi knelt and buried his face in his hands, staying that way until the sky grew dark and he returned home.

***

Every time he closed his eyes, Levi saw Smith smiling down at him cruelly, and Eren drifting far away. He stayed locked in his room, finding no comfort in his bed or the old pictures of Eren. Visions would come to him, showing bloodied and blackened skin, and each one he would push away, afraid. But they came back, they always came back, twice as powerful as before. In his dreams he saw himself burying a blade into flesh, or he would be some horrible beast tearing someone apart, or he would find himself outside a burning building, watching on as flames consumed it, hearing the screams. And once he woke up, he would sob and scream and force the thoughts away, not wanting them, trying to hide from them beneath his covers. Downing pill after pill, medicine for headaches and insomnia, praying for any of them to work.

While the thoughts weren’t consuming him, he felt numb and cold, like a living corpse. Imagining Eren only brought him pain, and imagining Smith brought him anger, so he imagined nothing. The dates blurred and merged, the minutes blending into the hours, stretching like rubber.

Kenny would knock on the door and ask him if he was okay, but the sound was far away. His food tasted like nothing. The shower water always felt too cold. He was alone, cold and alone. Bitter and hollow.

That was how two weeks elapsed.

***

As Levi passed the threshold into the school, he caught the eye of some students who immediately scrunched up their noses and turned away. His throat tightened—he knew that Smith was low, but he couldn’t be low enough to tell _everyone,_ could he?

The glares and silence that followed him through the halls begged to differ.

During class, Levi dug harsh scratches into his desk, stomach in knots because people were watching him, judging him, when they knew _nothing._ Nothing at all. And yet everywhere he went they gave him the evil eye, as if he were the shit of the earth.

Nothing, they knew nothing, he repeated to himself, wanting to set the world on fire and watch it burn.

At lunch, his spot at the table was taken by none other than Smith himself. Too weary to feel hostile and too anxious to approach the group, he trudged into the hallway and slumped against the lockers, staring at the sandwich in his hands through blurry eyes.

It was just like before. Bleak and lonely.

Minutes later, the tips of sneakers came into his vision, though he didn’t look up until he heard a familiar voice.

“Levi,” said Marco, not gently but not as harshly as everyone else. Levi said nothing, and Marco sighed.

“Listen, what you did is wrong but I was taught that there’s a reason behind every action, and no one really knows your side of the story. This is your chance. I’ll even pass it on if you’d like.”

Levi explained nothing. How could he?

“Alright, fine. If you don’t want to, then so be it.”

As Marco turned around to leave, Levi spoke, talking quietly. “Marco.”

A pause. “Yeah?”

“Please, tell Eren…” He swallowed thickly. “Tell Eren to forgive me.”

He heard Marco inhale sharply. “I don’t know—”

“Please.”

Another pregnant pause, and then, hesitantly, “Okay. I’ll do what I can. But it’s Eren’s choice to make, not mine and not yours.”

“Thank you.” And he meant it.

***

Levi came to know what hating himself meant. It meant pulling his hair and scratching his skin because he felt he deserved it. It meant glaring at himself in the mirror just as those people at school had. It meant wanting to erase himself from the planet because he was like shit on the bottom of a shoe, just as everyone had thought.

Yet, for as much as he hated himself, he hated Smith tenfold. The liar, the snake, with Eren under his spell. Without him, none of this would have happened. Oh, the temptation to wrangle his neck, stick him with something sharp, make him scream and cry for all of the agony he’d caused.

Oh, the temptation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY that I got this out over an hour late!! I got caught up in GW2 with my girlfriend, omg. I'll try not to be this late again. But anyway... *pats sweaty forehead with towel* Whew, this is really getting into it now. I can't wait to get to the meat of it all. I hope it doesn't seem too fast-paced. Thank you for reading, and more thanks to those who've been leaving comments! :o


	12. Smoke and Mirrors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: vague depression, moderate violence (at one point against another person), non-consensual touching and kissing while a person is asleep.

Three weeks had passed without Eren.

Everyday, Levi would approach him, call him, message him, follow him and plead for forgiveness. Always receiving the same response: “I need more time,” with shifting eyes and crossed arms.

So Levi counted the days, crossing them off in red ink, pressing the pen hard enough to rip the paper. After the second week, his skin had started to itch and no amount of scratching would satisfy it. He would bike to Eren’s house late at night and watch his sleeping form through the window, eyes watering because that was the best he could have. He abandoned sneaking peeks at him during the school day in favor of openly staring, hoping to motivate Eren to speak with him, uncaring of others’ opinions since he was already so hated. One night, as his homework lay unfinished, he picked up his old favorite book, finding himself in this character who just wanted to be loved, meaning no harm even if he had to hurt his partner.

At the end of week three, he found himself staring at the ceiling during the night, unable to fall asleep without dreaming of glares and snakes and skulls and blood. He tossed and turned, a biting frustration overwhelming him until he buried his face in the pillow and screamed himself to exhaustion. The next day, the pointed looks and whispers behind his back seemed more acute—louder, harsher. Everyone who passed him either looked away or glowered. He went home with his blood roaring in his ears and vision tinted red, pacing until he couldn’t take it anymore and punched his pillow. When that wasn’t enough, he hastily grabbed a pair of scissors and plunged them into the side of his mattress, over and over and over until he was calm.

Week four came around. As always, Levi wasn’t hungry in the morning, nibbling a piece of toast in the car. Kenny stayed silent, not caring enough, never caring enough. Levi walked through the halls with his head straight, not yet meeting the glares but not turning away from them, scowling when someone looked at him. He sat in his usual places for first and second period: at a desk in the corner of the room, farther away from the others.

He didn’t mean to lift his head when passing the lunchroom windows, only doing it on impulse, but he saw everything clear as day and stopped in his tracks. Eren was there, of course, laughing adorably. Smith was beside him. Sitting so close, almost _molded into_ him, tossing an arm around Eren’s shoulders as if it were the most casual thing to do.

Levi felt as though his heart had shriveled as he watched, seeing the way Smith was smiling—widely and toothily, sincerely, skin around his eyes crinkled. Smith gazed at Eren gently, looking away when Eren noticed, pretending to have never been gazing at all. But he knew, Levi knew. Admiration and affection laced Smith’s slow movement, stirred within his icy eyes. Try as Smith did, he couldn’t hide his feelings towards Levi’s boyfriend.

Levi surged forward, steeled to confront that disgusting boy, but he stopped when a hand encircled his arm, too weak to really hold him back but strong enough to make him falter. He turned to face Armin, who looked at him with narrowed eyes.

“Don’t. Eren doesn’t want to talk to you right now.”

“I don’t give a shit,” Levi hissed, clenching his teeth. There was a fire within him, growing steadily, and he needed to yell, hit something…

“If you care about Eren, you’ll leave him alone. He needs—”

The next moment passed in a flash. Levi tore his arm from Armin’s hold and latched onto his shoulders before shoving him backwards, muscles stiff with rage. Armin fell to the floor with a _thud,_ breath knocked out of him as he landed on his back. Needing more, Levi drew his right leg back, sighing quietly at the relief as he delivered a kick to the boy’s side, the resulting cry sounding muffled. From this angle, he could almost imagine Smith in place of this kid, taking the brunt of his kicks, trying to shield himself, bruises appearing on his skin where they should belong…

He set his shoe on Armin’s fingers, pressing down slowly, ignoring the unpleasant sound of his whimpers. Just a little further, and Armin’s bones would snap like twigs. But no, Levi’s hasty rage had been drained from him, and he felt cruel, too cruel, face twisting as he stared at Armin’s pained expression. Ice filled him at a cold realization, and he pulled Armin to his feet.

“If you tell anyone about this, especially Eren, I will hurt you much worse than this,” he said, hushed and hurried. “I will find a way. Understand?”

Armin nodded jerkily, clutching his side. Levi released him, not watching his stumble off, wanting instead to forget the encounter. When he looked back through the windows, most of the students had left, including Eren.

***

On the Friday of week four, Eren approached Levi on the sidewalk. Levi breathed deeply to calm his pounding heart, feeling lightheaded as green eyes met his.

“Levi,” Eren said, and oh what Levi would give to have this angel say his name in that honey voice of his more often.

Levi cleared his throat. “Yes? Eren?”

Eren looked stunning in the afternoon glow, skin smooth as ever, hair fluffy and soft, gold flecks sparkling in his eyes. “I… thought it over. A lot. And Marco told me that there’s always more to these types of things. So I’m giving you this chance to— to talk to me.”

Even with such firm words, Eren wavered cutely. Levi wanted to cry, heart swelling.

“Thank you!” he yelled. Then, more calmly, “Thank you, Eren.”

But what should he say? He couldn’t explain—no one would understand, not even his Eren. “I… I don’t know why I did it. I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I’ve never regretted anything more. Please, Eren, give me another chance. I’ll be better.”

Levi wanted to reach out and stroke Eren’s cheek, but he wouldn’t be able to reach from this distance. He watched Eren closely, tracking how he bit his lip in contemplation, furrowed his brows. A minute passed, then another, and then…

“Okay,” Eren said, at first quietly before standing up straighter and meeting Levi’s eyes again. “Alright. I’ll give you one more chance. This doesn’t fix what you did, but everyone makes mistakes… Some worse than others.”

Levi felt as though the ground as disappeared from beneath him and he was now floating, weightless and free. He opened his mouth, but Eren spoke first.

“But! You can’t do what you used to do again. No more manipulation or grabbing me, and definitely no more of what you did to Krista. Or else I’m done. Got it?”

Levi didn’t care. Eren could tell him to lick the floor, set the school on fire, or jump off a bridge. He would do it to get him back. “Yes, thank you, god, thank you.”

Too giddy to think clearly, Levi asked if he could come over that day. Thankfully, Eren said yes.

***

He was determined not to let Eren slip away from him again, the pain from before too unbearable to even consider it. Every day, he would walk with Eren, sit with him at the bus stop, even talk with him during lunch despite the silence of the others and having to pull up a chair because Smith still had his seat. At first, Eren was hesitant, stiff, answering concisely to Levi’s inquiries. Levi’s anxiety and frustration crept back up on him, gnawing at his bones, but he forced them away to the backs of his mind. He had to, for Eren, who wouldn’t tolerate another screw-up. His boyfriend was too precious for Levi to allow his own feelings to take over.

So he was patient, ignoring how one-sided their conversations were. He prompted things that he knew Eren liked—one weekend, they marathoned Star Wars at Eren’s home, wrapped tightly in blankets. When Levi glanced over, Eren was smiling genuinely at the screen. Another time, they played video games for hours on end, and Levi was shit but Eren cheered nonetheless. Levi followed his pattern without fail: greet Eren, converse with him, invite him for something. And eventually, after another three weeks, Eren started agreeing faster, less reluctantly.

Levi had less trouble getting to sleep, and fewer nightmares plagued him. When he was with Eren, he felt elated, as if he were soaring above the rest of the world. Yet, there was still that sinking feeling he got sometimes when he alone, a darkness that would steadily fill him. And of course, the hatred that coursed through him whenever he caught sight of Smith, who to his dismay, Eren still hung around. At lunch, when Eren wasn’t looking, Levi would chew his cheek raw and dig his fingernails into his skin until he bled, glaring holes into Smith’s head. That boy had the nerve to sit on Eren’s other side, his right. He would settle his arm across Eren’s shoulders and ruffle his hair and smile at him, and Eren would let him, leaving a bitter taste in Levi’s mouth until he came to an epiphany.

Of course Eren didn’t reciprocate Smith’s feelings, didn’t appreciate his harassment. He was simply too kind and pure to reject him. What an angel, putting on an act that only Levi could see through.

Even so, Levi’s nostrils flared at how disgusting Smith was, trying to take what wasn’t his. So, Levi began recording information on him, watching and following him and writing down his behavior. It was his responsibility to save Eren from this demon.

It all fell into a routine. Levi would have dates with Eren day after day, and they would talk and laugh, and once Eren had left, he would trail Smith and observe him, thinking of how to get rid of him in a way that wouldn’t upset Eren. When Levi was alone, he would drown in his thoughts and habits: a mess of imagined tan skin and red roses along with turned pages of his favorite book and blades in mattresses.

***

“Can you believe Christmas break starts in a day?” Eren asked, tracing his finger against the roof tiles.

It was nearly midnight, and Levi was sleeping over at Eren’s home. Over the past couple weeks, they’d formed a habit of climbing on top of the house during the night to gaze at the stars and talk. Tonight was no exception—it was cold but not cold enough to deter them, and they had scraped off the thin layer of snow from their area.

“I know, it’s strange,” Levi replied. “Time flies.”

It really did, speeding by whenever Eren was with him.

“Yeah. Do you have any assignments to do over the break?”

“Just one, for Johnson’s.” A scoff. “Of course it’s Johnson to ruin everyone’s fun.”

Eren snorted. “That’s true. I’m glad I don’t have him.”

They paused. The stars were faint tonight behind the wisps of clouds.

“So,” Eren said, tone lowered, “how are you?”

Levi looked at him, puzzled. Even in the dark, his eyes seemed to glow. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, er…” Eren turned away sheepishly. “You know, you seemed to have a few emotional problems? I just want to check up on you.”

Levi tingled with joy. Eren was concerned about him.

“I’m good.”

“That’s good.”

They said nothing after that, silently enjoying each other’s company before returning inside. Eren disappeared into the bathroom to change clothes as Levi prepared the sleeping bags. When he came about donning small plush shorts and a T-shirt, Levi felt blood rush to his face. Eren, yawning, didn’t notice.

“‘M really tired. Is it okay if I turn the lights off now?”

“Yeah, go ahead.”

Off they went, and Levi blinked to adjust to the dark. Eren slipped into bag beside him, turning over several times before settling down. Levi lay awake, listening to Eren’s breathing as it evened out and became deeper. He sat up slowly.

“Eren?” he whispered. No response.

Slowly, he leaned over and looked down at Eren, who was sleeping on his side. Brown hair fanned out against the pillow like a halo, large eyes lidded, full lips parted slightly. Levi’s blood was racing hotly. He reached out his hand to touch Eren’s shoulder, electricity rushing through him.

This was okay, he told himself. Eren was his boyfriend, he belonged to him. Even if Eren didn’t express his feelings well, concealing it all through an act, Levi knew that he loved him, just as he loved Eren. He could see right through him; he would want Levi to touch him.

So Levi did, brushing his hands across Eren’s head, his chest, even across his covered hips; the skin felt supple and warm. Good and right beneath his touch. He leaned in further and skimmed Eren’s soft lips lightly with his own before Eren moved and Levi jerked backward.

Eren shifted before calming down, still asleep, but it was enough to discourage Levi from going any further tonight. This was enough for now. It was like ecstasy in his veins, filling him with euphoria. What a wondrous thing Eren was—giving him this feeling when he was around him, when he touched him, and leaving him empty when he was alone. Truly something that should be treasured and protected.

Levi fell asleep with a smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this one felt off for any reason (well, besides the themes of the story, lolol). I was in a bit of a rush due to a rushed trip somewhere. Right now I'm posting it in a hotel and almost fell asleep several times because all the lights are off due to my parents being asleep, omg.  
> Credit to LittleJayneyCakes's song "Smoke and Mirrors" for the title inspiration. The irony here is that Levi believes that Eren is putting on an act, when it's really vice versa, or at least that's what I'd intended.  
> Thank you for reading!! Feedback is loved. ~~ School is starting this week for me so hopefully that won't screw with my schedule too much. Here's hoping, lololol.


	13. Scheming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: violence, small mention of child molesters (at the end; just in passing and in conversation), Levi generally being creepy and unpleasant.

Christmas had passed in a blur. Over the break, Levi had often visited Eren, not worrying about overstaying his welcome since Eren’s parents were so friendly. Grisha and Carla Jaeger, always greeting him with a smile, ushering him inside to where Eren would always be waiting with a grin. They would watch movies and play games and talk, and Levi would always agree to Eren’s statements—yes, he loved that series and no, he didn’t like that person, either. It didn’t matter that they were lies. It was all for their sake, and it’d made Eren happy. And on Christmas Day, Levi all but forgot about his own birthday, consumed in Eren’s blinding cheerfulness.

Once school came back around, Levi did his best to control himself in the presence of others, even if it meant biting his cheek until it bled. He’d offer slight smiles and chuckle when appropriate, which had seemed to surprised the others, but it’d made Eren happier still. So he forced smile after smile… And yet, there were moments when Eren was beside him and he didn’t need to force his lips to turn upward.

February had arrived, and Valentine’s Day was rolling around the corner. Levi spent hours thinking over what he should do for Eren before deciding to take the simple route and buy him flowers. Maybe Eren would finally let him hold his hand. Imagining it, he could almost feel their skin touching, warm and soft. For the first time in his life, Levi hummed to himself, working on arranging the bouquet.

When the day came, he intercepted Eren at the doors of the school and offered him the flowers, hand trembling slightly. Eren’s brows furrowed but he accepted the bouquet nonetheless, and Levi’s heart was soaring, so much so that he didn’t give it a second thought before taking Eren’s free hand in his. It felt so _nice_ , fingers fitting right between his own. Shock rippled down his spine when Eren pulled away.

“What— What are you doing, Levi?” he stuttered, face flushed and eyes wide in a way that made Levi feel lightheaded.

“Won’t you let me hold you?” he asked waveringly. Eren spluttered.

“Um— I— That’d be a bit weird, wouldn’t it? It’d be awkward.”

Too shy. Eren was too shy around him. Why was he so reluctant to let Levi touch him? They’d been dating for months, after all. Eren should be ready to give all of himself, just as Levi was, as Levi wanted. So why?

No, he knew the answer. Eren still hung around Smith, had been doing so more and more often. He’d watched them from behind corners, saw the way Eren leaned on Smith and met his eyes kindly. And Levi couldn’t do a single thing about it, lest Eren abandon him again. In the cover of night, he would write all the reasons he had for hating Smith before rippling the papers and burning them. But he couldn’t get that monster away.

“Levi?”

He blinked. “Wha—?”

“Are you okay? You’re crying.”

Surprised, Levi raised a hand to his cheek, feeling hot angry tears. His quickly wiped them away and sniffled.

“I’m fine. I’ll see you at lunch?”

“...Yeah.”

Then, at lunch, Levi asked Sasha for Erwin Smith’s social media. She obliged without question, deceived by his false smile. He waited until home to go online, scrolling through Smith’s Facebook, his Instagram, his Twitter. Smith had hundreds of friends and followers, mostly fellow students, but his profiles weren’t helpful at all. They were just picture after update after picture, saying nothing about him except what Levi already knew: that he had cruel icy blue eyes, disgustingly gelled hair, and a sadly mundane life. But he scrolled and scrolled and scrolled, searching for something, _anything._ There had to be something Levi could use to show the world how despicable this boy was.

Nothing. There was nothing.

He threw his phone at the wall and collapsed onto his bed. More papers were burned that night.

***

Time had been kind to Levi lately. As the weeks slipped by, more people at school forgot his wrongdoing, moving onto the latest scandals and gossip. Most still didn’t approach him, but they didn’t glare at him over shoulders and whisper as he walked through the halls. He made certain to keep his behavior under check, especially around Eren’s friends, who had gradually warmed up to him once more until he was finally invited to pull up a seat during lunches. His clenched fists were kept under the table, out of sight—Smith was there. He was always there.

“Marco,” Levi said after lunch, tailing behind said person. “Can you do me a favor?”

Marco smiled that angelic smile. “Sure. What is it?”

“I need you to interview Erwin Smith about things he doesn’t like. Fears, stuff that makes him angry, anything like that.”

A barely-there falter to the smile. Levi could see Marco stiffen in a way that suggested he didn’t want to believe what he thought.

“Why?”

Levi answered immediately. “For a psychology project. I don’t think Smith likes me that much, but he’d probably answer honestly for you. I’ll put everything together, I just need the data.”

Marco brightened up and asked no more questions, nodding firmly. Levi couldn’t help but marvel at how easy it was. At how easy Marco was.

“Great, thanks. Bring a paper with answers to me or something.”

***

That night, Levi dedicated more time to searching through Smith’s profiles. He analyzed the phrasing, read between the lines, scouring for anything. When Eren initiated a Skype voice call, he reflexively accepted.

“Hey, hey!” Eren sang. Levi hummed in response, squinting at a post from last year.

“I have so much homework, it’s unbelievable.” A groan. “I can’t _wait_ until summer. But it’s still so far away. I want to go swimming and rafting and play games and not have to worry about dumbass homework.”

Levi half-listened, occasionally grunting in reply, eyes trained on the words in front of him. Every single post was so damn lighthearted, so thoughtless, and he’d been staring at the same fucking status for five minutes, trying to decode a darker message, but either there wasn’t one or he was just too goddamn stupid. His head was beginning to pound, and Eren’s incessant rambling didn’t help. He just had to focus, just _focus_ —

“—and my parents said we might go to Disneyland this year, but they’re not sure—”

“Eren,” Levi snapped. “Shut the fuck up for once in your life.”

Silence.

Levi realized his words too late. He stumbled over his next sentence.

“I mean… Sorry, that was too harsh. I’m just frustrated with school. You get it, right? It’s not your fault.”

He heard Eren take in a breath. Thinking, perhaps. Or calming himself. Then, “It’s okay. It happens to the best of us.”

For making such a stupid mistake, Levi slapped himself across the face. The red mark looked oddly good.

***

There was one night when Eren called him in distress, crying over his latest test scores and how much of a failure he was. At first, Levi sighed in annoyance because he was working and this was bound to take a while. He berated himself for being so selfish.

“You’re not a failure, Eren,” he assured.

“Can… you… come over?” Eren asked between sobs. Levi hesitated, gazing at the pages of notes regarding Smith’s Twitter that he was in the process of taking.

“I’m not sure…”

“Please?” Eren sounded so weak, so helpless. Levi’s heart fluttered pleasantly. If it meant he could hear him like that in person…

“Okay. I’ll be over soon.”

He sped over to the Jaeger house. Eren opened the door with his shoulders hunched, as if he were trying to fold into himself. His eyes were puffy and cheeks red, and he didn’t struggle when Levi took him into his arms, running his fingers through soft hair.

They sat down on the sofa, and Eren talked, speaking over Levi’s gentle words. His voice was slurred with tears, almost incomprehensible. After ten minutes, Levi found himself staring at the clock, watching the minutes slip by, thinking of how he could be home working instead of here.

“I just— I’m— I can’t…” Eren stuttered, sounding drunk.

Levi tried to bring himself to care, he really did. But Eren’s talking grated against his ears, and he couldn’t stand it, not one bit. Instead he focused on how beautiful Eren looked. Even like this, he was stunning. And one advantage to this situation was that Eren seemed too upset to notice the way Levi’s hands lingered on the small of his back or his hips. Feeling the flesh beneath his clothes. God, he loved Eren.

Finally, Eren wiped his face with a tissue and gave Levi a smile. “Thanks for listening to me.”

Too intoxicated by Eren’s messy visage, he couldn’t bring himself to feel guilty. It didn’t matter if he had to lie to Eren about liking the same things, or if he sometimes couldn’t stand Eren’s complaining. Every lasting relationship had its flaws. They were fine, it was fine.

***

Marco approached him on a Friday afternoon, expression blank, a paper in his hands.

“I interviewed him. His answers are on this paper.”

Levi smile was small, hardly existent, but genuine. “Thanks.”

When he tried to take the paper, Marco jerked it away. Levi looked at him more closely, seeing how his eyes were wider, brows drawn together. When he spoke, his voice was stiff.

“But… I went to Misses Moore and asked her to give you the paper on Monday since I couldn’t find you. She said you weren’t in psychology.”

A chill ran down his spine. He swallowed, thinking for a way out, what to do, what to say…

“Can you please tell me what these are really for, Levi?”

The area was quiet. All the other students had gone home, and now on this narrow sidewalk just a ways from the school it was just them, with Marco gazing at him expectantly with glistening brown eyes. Levi found his voice in a low whisper.

“It’s none of your business. Can I have the paper?”

Marco went frigid, the paper crumpling slightly in his hand. Levi grimaced. The birds had stopped chirping.

“It is my business if you’re going to hurt someone. I know you don’t like Erwin, Levi, but please don’t do something stupid again.”

Levi scowled. “I won’t. The paper, please.”

He held his hand out, waiting for Marco to place the page on it. Marco did no such thing, opting to hold it tightly at his side. There were fire ants beginning to crawl under Levi’s skin.

“I can’t. I know you’re going to do something regrettable, and I won’t let you. It’s for your own good.”

The wind had picked up. It tousled Levi’s hair but he didn’t fix it, staying in his position with a hand out. He stared at Marco, observing his locked jaw and tightened muscles, his sad eyes. Marco wouldn’t give him the paper, so there was no point in asking any longer.

Levi surged forward, arms outstretched and grappling for the paper. Marco reacted surprisingly quickly, sidestepping out of reach, and Levi fell to the ground. His palms scraped against the concrete, but he pushed himself up. There was hot lava in his veins, burning in his eyes as he glared. Marco took a step back.

“Please just let go of whatever grudge you have, Levi,” he pleaded, sounding almost as pathetic as Eren had when he'd sobbed to Levi.

“You don’t get it!” he spat. “I can’t let it go, I have to stop it. Erwin is tricking Eren, making him stay around him. I’m doing this to help Eren.”

Marco stepped back further, and Levi followed. They moved until they stood before the rocky ditch, large enough to fit a person, that lay outside the school, looming above it. The wind was whistling.

“No, you’re not! Eren is happy the way he is, Levi! He’s happy with Erwin!”

“ _What the fuck did you just say?_ ”

“I… Just, please, for everyone’s sake, leave their relationship alone.”

The response was immediate and without thought.

“You lying fucker!” Levi yelled as he lunged, bringing his fist to Marco’s nose, hearing it crack. Marco wailed and stumbled to his right, collapsing onto gravel, the paper tearing. Levi pressed the sole of his boot onto his shoulder, breath quickening as Marco peered at him in horror, cupping his bloody nose. If Eren found out—

“Levi, you… You…”

“If you _ever_ tell Eren about this, I will break every bone in your body. You understand?” He spoke hurriedly, panicking, foot pressing down harder as if it would keep Marco from moving. But he rose to his feet, still holding his nose, fingers stained crimson. Levi’s stomach twisted as Marco glared, standing up straight.

“You think I’m scared of being beaten up? I’m not a coward. You have to face the consequences of this.”

Levi twitched. Sweat dampened his brow, because Marco was turning around, leaving, and he was going to tell—

“Don’t!” Levi bellowed, breaking into a run, reaching out to grab Marco and stop him. But Marco began running, too, and his long legs carried him well, making him grow farther and farther away.

His chest burned and limbs ached as he sprinted, thoughts racing, but he wasn’t fast enough and Eren couldn’t find out, he couldn’t. Levi couldn’t be alone again, wanted to tear his throat out at the thought of it. So he paused and knelt to pick up a rock, launching it at Marco’s back, hoping for the pain to deter him…

He wasn’t expecting the rock to hit the back of Marco’s head.

Marco yelped and stumbled, falling to his knees and then, slowly, crumbling into a twisted heap.

Levi stood there frozen in shock until red began to seep out around Marco's head like a halo. He fumbled for his phone, hands shaking as he called 911. They told him to wait. He checked Marco’s pulse, allowing himself to breathe when he felt it still present and steady. When the paramedics arrived and asked him what happened, he told them that they were play-chasing when Marco tripped.

“He’ll probably be just fine, so don’t worry,” they told him as they toted Marco away. “Might have a concussion and some memory loss, but he’ll be back to normal within a couple days.”

A couple days was how long Levi had until Marco would tell Eren. Smith and Marco. Two concerns, now.

***

At dinner, he couldn’t take it anymore, the stress pounding his head like a hammer. He vented about how rotten some people are, how they shouldn’t be allowed to exist because all they did was ruin others’ happiness. Kenny nodded along amusedly, sipping his beer.

“Well, think about it this way, kid. Whoever you’re talkin’ about, at least they’re not a child molester. Not much worse than that.” A laugh. “At least, I hope you weren’t talkin’ about a child molester. Fuckin’ creeps.”

It came to Levi in a flash—his idea. Brilliant and sure-fire. He jolted upright from his seat and ran to his room, scribbling it all down, feeling happier than he’d felt all week. Putting the pen down and looking over the ink, he inhaled deeply, savoring the air filling his lungs.

Then he grabbed his laptop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's about to get even more fucked up, omg lol. Sorry for posting late again!! ;;  
> School has started, but hopefully I'll still have time to update semi-frequently.  
> Also, I might need to change the rating and warnings for this fic, for obvious reasons. Anyways, thank you for reading, as always!! Bonus points if you spotted some foreshadowing during Levi and Marco's confrontation. I love feedback, so feel free to leave some, even if it's simple (so long as it's constructive rather than destructive, omg).


	14. Fire and Brimstone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: You might have noticed that I've upped the rating to mature and added the "graphic depictions of violence" warning. You have this chapter to thank for that. Implied/referenced human torture, graphic killing of an animal, gore, themes of the Deep Web, and other threats/displays of violence.

It was a long process. Levi hadn’t known anything about the Deep Web aside from the fact that it required a special browser and harbored some of the darkest parts of humanity. He spent hours browsing different sites, talking to person after person until happening across a self-proclaimed expert who said he’d help for a fair price. Having been provided with his money via Kenny’s credit card, he agreed to assist him.

They spoke on Skype, the man’s voice deep and smooth. He refused to give a name, though Levi didn’t need one. All he had to do was listen to the instructions—get a VPN, cover his webcam, download Tor, view a list of available sites, look for what he needs. He searched website after website, drugs and guns and more drugs, growing frustrated when he couldn’t find it.

So he told the man that it wasn’t enough, he needed to go deeper. There was a pause.

“Fine. But it gets a fuck ton more complicated from here, and you’ll see some shit.”

Levi didn’t care. He didn’t care about anything anymore, numb to his grades, his health, the people around him except Eren. Eren, Eren, who always made him so happy. If Eren knew that Levi was doing all this for him, surely he’d blush.

The man told him he needed to speak to different people, gain their trust in order to visit the places he needed. He set him up in a call with another man who asked question after question, making Levi’s head a throbbing mess, and he tried to answer concisely but this person would not accept it. After some hours, he was back in a call with the first man, grumbling about how long and tedious the process was.

“Stop bitching. They have to run background checks to make sure you’re not with the police or FBI or some shit.”

“What’ll they look through?”

“Your address, records, social media. Everything.”

Several days later, Levi was informed that he’d been granted access to a website that he didn’t so much as know the name of. The man had suggested it to him, said it might be useful. He clicked on the link without second thought, spacing out slightly as the page loaded. Once his eyes processed what was on the screen, a chill washed over him. He processed it all slowly: the plain design, red and black text that read “warehouses,” with information off to the side detailing how they kept people for—

“The fuck is this?” he breathed, trying to keep his hand steady as he scrolled. The word couldn’t seem to register in his head. Experiments? Ex-periments? How? Why?

“This is the shit you’ll see if you keep going. Get used to it.”

He felt lightheaded. There, it said what they were doing. Experiments with people. Drug trials. Pain tolerance. Starvation. Experiments. Pain. Starvation. Pain.

“You good, kid?” the man asked with mock sweetness, his voice grossly saccharine. Levi couldn’t bring himself to feel angry. He was imagining it—a person locked in a room, tied up, stomach eating itself because they were so hungry, bruises littering their body, drugs coursing through their veins. Why? Why?

The man sighed. “This is what the world is like. If you’re looking for something fucked up, it’ll be worse than this, anyway. Get over it.”

Levi swallowed the bile in his throat, looking away from the screen, blinking the black spots from his vision. He thought of Eren, his wide eyes and smooth skin. This was for the both of them. Nothing else mattered but them.

“Alright,” he said, keeping his voice steady. “I’m fine.”

“Yeah? You ready to watch some videos?”

He couldn’t stop his gut from wrenching. “Not now.”

“Alright. Not now, then.”

That was the last day of February.

***

He couldn’t stop thinking about it. At home, in school, on the street, everything blurred together, the people faraway. Pain. Starvation. Drugs. As he walked, there was someone in that warehouse, screaming, crying. As he ate and read and talked, there were people sticking needles into that person. He couldn’t look at the sky without remembering these simple facts, couldn’t close his eyes without seeing frail bodies with ribs poking out.

On a Thursday, as he walked alongside Eren to lunch, he was pulled from his thoughts by a warm hand on his shoulder.

“Are you okay?” Eren asked with furrowed brows. Levi could see him in one of those warehouses, thin as a twig, eyes foggy from his drugged up state. He closed his eyes for a good few seconds before opening them and replying.

“Yeah. Don’t worry about it. How’s Marco?”

Levi had been the first to visit Marco at the hospital. To his relief, the paramedic had been incorrect—Marco should need at least another week from now to recover. Even while conscious, he couldn’t remember a thing, hardly even his own name. It’d been a great weight off Levi’s shoulders, but time was running short.

“He’s starting to remember everything. They said he should be back to normal by next week!”

Under other circumstances, Levi’s heart would have fluttered at Eren’s grin, but he felt a headache coming on. Next week. That gave him three or four days. He raised a hand to his temple, rubbing it. Eren wavered.

“Are you… sure you’re okay?”

“Yes.”

“Really? I think you should see the nurse. Maybe you need to go to the doctor—!”

“Eren.” Levi inhaled deeply through his nose. He wanted to love Eren’s constant worrying, he really did, but now he was compelled to bring his hand across Eren’s cheek. That was okay, though. Every couple had their problems.

“Oh. S-sorry. I know you don’t like it when I ramble,” he murmured, lowering his head.

Too cute. Eren was too cute. Too precious for this world, where people tortured others in warehouses. He needn’t worry, though, because Levi would protect him. Someday, he would take them both away from everything.

***

“ _Now_ are you ready?” the man asked exasperatedly. When Levi didn’t immediately respond, he grunted.

“Look, kid. I don’t have all day. If you’re gonna keep wasting my time, then—”

“Fine,” Levi said resolutely. “I’ll watch your fucking videos.”

They’d moved to a different site, the man having deemed the last one too tame. This one had a slightly more elaborate design, with the same amount of security. Red backdrop, black cursive font. Video after video listed in the center. The man didn’t bother explaining to Levi what a _crush film_ was, simply telling him to click play on the thumbnail of his choice. He chose one featuring a blurred still on a red shoe.

He steeled himself, fists clenched tightly and muscles stiff, forcing himself not to think as a set of hands deposited a tiny kitten onto a clean floor. With fur black and gray and eyes blue, it sat patiently, looking into the camera curiously, tilting its head, mewling. From the right, a leg appeared, then another, smoothly shaven and curved and obviously belonging to a woman. On the feet were crimson stiletto heels.

Levi tried to keep himself from reacting, but when the woman hovered her right foot above the kitten, realization dawned upon him and he sucked in a breath, stomach dropping. He tore his eyes from the screen before a voice spoke up.

“It’s in your best interest to keep watching.”

So he did, eyes glued to the screen as small blue eyes looked at the heel above them, and as the woman lowered her leg slowly. He dug his nails into his palms, vision distorting as the kitten squeaked, pinned under a shoe, and as the sharp heel _so slowly, too slowly_ broke its skin, slid into its flesh. Levi couldn’t look away, even as the the kitten’s eyes bulged and blood painted the nice clean floor and the sounds of squealing and squishing filled his headphones. The wood twisted her leg seductively, pressing down until the shoe had met the floor, and there were organs and bones peeking out from the silent heap beneath her.

And then it was over. Levi counted his breaths.

“That’s what the world is like, kid. I did you a favor by showing you, ‘specially for what you’re looking for.”

Levi didn’t reply. He couldn’t speak.

That night, he dreamt of skin parting and blood pooling, and innocent blue eyes staring up at him. After he jolted up in bed, sweaty and heaving, he thought of the man’s words: _That’s what the world is like, kid._

How rotten of a world this was. How despicable of a race were humans. Oh, how he and Eren deserved to be free.

***

On Saturday, he asked the man what he could do about Marco, giving him every last detail on the situation, waiting as the man thought it over.

“Threaten him.”

Levi sighed heavily. “I tried that. He said he’s not scared of being beaten up—”

“No, no. _Really_ threaten him. Get information on his family, something that’ll ruin their lives, and blackmail him with it.”

“And if there isn’t any?”

“Find out their address. Threaten to hurt them.”

It was a good idea. But Levi didn’t know how, had no clue how to obtain anything information by himself.

“Can _you_ get me that information?” he asked, already knowing the answer.

“Sure, for five hundred dollars.”

For the second time, Levi found himself slipping the credit card from Kenny’s wallet as his uncle snored away. He would make up an excuse for it later on.

***

He visited the hospital empty-handed the next day. As it turned, the Bott family was squeaky-clean, no dirt to be found. So he’d fallen onto Plan B.

The nurses smiled at him and directed him to the room without question, saying it was great that Marco had such caring friends.

“Unfortunately, Marco still needs to rest, so we can only give you ten minutes.”

“That’s fine.” And the door closed behind him. He walked to the bed where Marco lay, expressionless but stiff, eyeing him as he moved. Levi met his eyes coldly.

“You’re not going to tell anyone, especially Eren, about what really happened.” Before Marco could open his mouth to respond, Levi continued. “If you do, I’ll leak all your family’s private information everywhere, onto the Surface Web and Deep Web.”

Marco didn’t flinch. “I’ll call the doctors in right now and tell them what you just told me.”

“I have my computer set up to automatically publish everything even if I’m apprehended. The only way to stop it is if I return home without a problem and with your promise.”

“Then go ahead!” Levi blinked. Marco’s eyes were watering, the whites puffy. “Post my family’s private information everywhere, Levi! I don’t care!”

Levi wracked his brain, thinking, pondering. In the shadows of his mind, he remembered the video, the kitten, the thick blood—

“If you don’t agree, I’ll hurt your family. I’ll tell someone right away to take them and _hurt them,_ pump them full of drugs, cut them up.”

He was talking without meaning to, mouth running with his brain’s consent, words spilling out hastily. Marco was trembling now, tears streaking his freckled cheeks.

“Even if I get arrested, even if you tell your family to get out, I’ll find them, and I’ll hurt them. Really, _really_ bad.”

The room was quiet. Marco sniffled, curling into himself, and Levi towered above him like a god. Finally, Marco spoke in a whisper.

“ _Fine._ I won’t tell anyone, you fucking monster.”

Levi wanted to laugh in his face. He was the monster? What was monstrous was the people around him, the world he lived in, that wouldn’t just let him be with Eren, wouldn’t allow him happiness or normality. He was a hero amongst a _sea_ of monsters, the only sane one in this godforsaken hell. Didn’t Levi deserve to be happy? Didn’t everyone deserve to be happy?

He gave a tight-lipped smile and made his exit.

***

“When am I going to get in?” he asked the man, who huffed in return.

“The admins of this specific website take ages to confirm people since what they distribute is completely fuckin’ illegal. Could be hours from now, could be months, could be never. Depends on the person.”

“I’ve already waited weeks.”

“Patience is a virtue, kid. Learn to fucking have some.”

***

Levi paid the man to give him Smith’s address, not feeling up to following him around. He biked there on a sunny weekend, stepping quietly around the side of the house, crouching below a window. Inside, two voices engaged in conversation, one of them Eren’s, pitched and excited. Unable to stop himself, Levi lifted his head and peered inside. There, on a brown couch, sat the two of them, laughing at a show, sitting far too close. His chest burned at the sight of Smith’s arm around Eren, and he pushed himself backwards, about to leave, and then…

And then.

And then Erwin Smith leaned to his left and placed a kiss onto Eren’s lips.

Levi fell to the ground, panting, before shoving himself upward and stumbling to his bike, racing home, trying not to topple over. The world blurred and merged as he sped by it. He ran into his room and slammed the door, burying his face into his pillow, but his blood was boiling and his thoughts were scrambled and his mind was chanting _monster, monster, monster_ as he threw books onto the ground, pushed over chairs, ripped clothes from his closet and threw them at the walls. His favorite novel was pulled from the shelf, the pages torn from it. A second after meeting his own eyes in the mirror, he sent a punch to it, shards of glass falling to his feet.

The doorknob rattled. “Fuck off!” he screamed.

Erwin Smith. What a true piece of shit.

***

The night was spent picking glass out of his knuckles until his laptop sounded with a Skype call. Upon seeing it was the man, he immediately answered.

“The admins accepted you, kid.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes, am I right? That got fucked up. I hope I'm not taking anything too far (as in beyond what you'd expect from a yandere), omg. Sorry if it felt a bit rushed towards the end. Regardless, thanks for reading, and thank you for the support thus far!! Feedback is appreciated.~


	15. Aberrant

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The FBI's going to put me on a goddamn watch list for this. HEED THE WARNINGS.  
> Warnings: description of photos of child pornography, stalking, threats of violence, breaking and entering a house, arrest (I'm not sure if that's a trigger, but it's better safe than sorry).  
> And, just in case, a disclaimer: _I do not condone Levi's actions here. This is a work of pure fiction and should be seen as such._

The layout of the website was simple: a white background with black text. The front page hardly contained a thing except links—tags that Levi didn’t bother with, clicking on the first one he caught sight of, not even bothering to read it. Sure enough, it took him to a page stockpiled with photos and videos. He filtered the results by photos only. They looked like blurs to him, unregistered in his eyes that looked numbly at the screen until a voice came to life in his ears.

“Are you even looking at them?” His helper sounded irritated, as if annoyed that Levi wasn’t enjoying himself.

“Do you want me to?” he replied jeeringly.

The man grunted lowly. “I don’t give a shit,” he said, though his tone begged to differ.

A dull ache rose in the back of Levi’s skull and he gritted his teeth. He blinked once, twice, the world coming more into focus, and he was plummeting back down to Earth, feeling the bed beneath him and his fingers on the keyboard.

When he next looked at the pictures, he was able to make out the details. The most recent was of a girl no more than ten laying on her back on a sofa, eyes gently closed and small mouth parted in sleep. The photographer crouched above her, a large hand lightly touching the bare skin of her stomach, shirt having been rolled up.

Levi stared at it. At the veins of the hand that must’ve belonged to someone of at least thirty years, at the tiny eyelashes fanning across round cheeks. The pounding in his head was getting more vicious, but no bile rose in his throat, no tears stinging his eyes. It was just a photo, and he was just a person viewing it. A photo of a man touching a little girl. A photo with dozens of likes already, with others discussing it amongst themselves, talking about how smooth her skin was, how dainty her body.

His head was hammering. He felt distant from the photo, distant from the people, from this species. They were disgusting, all of them. He was never a part of this place, never belonged here at all.

“Interesting,” was all he said before saving the photo onto the USB.

The man scoffed. “Damn, you’ve sure changed these past few weeks.”

“No I haven’t,” he deadpanned. “I haven’t changed at all.”

“Yeah, okay. Anyway, the best way to do this would be logging onto your account directly from this other guy’s computer by hacking into it and controlling it and then downloading—”

“I already told you,” Levi hissed, “I can’t hack. Even with you helping me, I’d fuck it up, and I can’t afford to fuck this up.”

“Alright, fuck, fine. Do it your way. It’s just more of a risk, and I’m assuming you don’t wanna spend years in prison.”

Levi didn’t respond. He scrolled down the page, scanning each photo, deciding whether or not they were severe enough. Most were just naked or half-naked pictures. Not good enough. He needed _more,_ he needed _the worst there was._

Over the course of a half hour, he saved a handful more. A boy gazing up into the camera, throat bulging. A girl with hands and feet tied. Another boy, scantily-clad. Girl after boy after girl. He never looked into their eyes, but he was sure most of them were red-rimmed or brimming with tears.

Then he counted his photos. Eleven, but still not enough. Fatigue settling in his bones, he resorted to saving some of the milder ones until the count reached seventeen. He pulled out the USB and deleted Tor from his computer, checking his files, clearing everything he saw. His head still throbbed.

“Aight, onto the next step,” announced the man. Levi was busy looking at his hands. Even though they were perfectly clean, they felt filthy, as if there were dirt under his fingernails…

“Hey.”

He blinked. “Okay. I’m listening.”

“Write this shit down, because I ain’t saying it twice.”

Levi grabbed a pencil and paper and tuned in carefully, jotting down the instructions step-by-step. Despite his headache, he found that his hand was perfectly steady. He didn’t shake at all.

***

On some days, Levi would leave class early or not attend in the first place. Instead, he would bike to Smith’s house, creep behind to where trees and sheds obscured him from the neighbors’ view, and peer through the windows. Sometimes he’d come in the early morning and watch the family get ready, other times he’d observe their evening and night habits. He watched them during the early hours of the day and he watched them while the other kids were in school, but no matter the time, he always wrote down who left and returned when.

The mother (Levi refused to refer to her as _Mrs.,_ for she had raised a monster) came downstairs the earliest on the weekdays, wearing sleek business clothing, and she left promptly at seven. The father was next, repeating the same routine at a slightly later time, though he wore less formal clothing. Two kids, one a girl around Levi’s age and the other appearing to be a middle schooler, rode the bus to school along with Smith himself. The family ate breakfast at different times and hardly exchanged words in the morning. In the evening, they would eat dinner together quietly before parting again to prepare for bed.

On a typical weekday, they were all gone by eight a.m. and back by six p.m., and a ten-hour window was large enough to lift a weight off Levi’s shoulders.

He would watch Smith the most, like how a snake would watch its prey through a glass cage. At times, Smith would glance over to the window, and Levi would drop to the ground, careful to be both quick and quiet. But Smith never once caught him, and Levi was delighted. What a poor, horrendous fool.

How easy this would be.

***

For the third time in the past five minutes, Levi’s fork impaled his chicken to the plate.

Lunchtime was complete hell. He would sit on Eren’s left, and Smith on Eren’s right, and that was always where Eren would look, smiling and laughing and leaning into that buffoon's touch. Without fail, Levi would feel sickly and furious, a venomous green feeling that he didn’t understand streaming through his veins. He hated it. He hated Smith. But he couldn’t do anything, not here, lest Eren disapprove. So he gripped his fork and stabbed his food as if it were a person, imagining the flesh to belong to someone sitting four feet away. When asked about it, he said that his arm had gone numb and he was fixing it. Curious how often his arm must go numb, they said. He smiled tightly.

Night after night, he asked the man on Skype when he could finally do it. And night after night, the man would answer that he needs to be patient and wait for the right time, though his voice held elements of taunting. After a week of having the USB sit dangerously in his bottom drawer, he’d had enough.

Marco was back at school, still acting the same and speaking the same and eating at the same table, though never quite looking at Levi. After another tormenting lunch period, Levi approached him himself, taking him by the arm and pulling him into a secluded area of the school with no people or cameras. Marco weakly struggled, but Levi’s iron grip kept him locked tight.

Levi whispered to him, “I need you to do something. If you don’t, I’ll break your family’s spines.”

Marco’s eyes fell shut and he hung his head, saying nothing. Levi waited a few seconds, tapping his foot softly.

“Hey, I’m talking to—”

“I’ll do it,” Marco interrupted, voice heavy as lead. “I don’t care what it is.”

Levi raised an eyebrow. It was so easy to control Marco—like a puppet, or a slave.

“You need to get Erwin Smith to bring his laptop to school the day after tomorrow, specifically to the library. I don’t care how, tell him you need help with work or some shit. Just get it here and then get him to leave it behind for a bit.”

Marco’s shoulders were slumped, face damp. His lips didn’t move.

“Understood?”

All he did was nod. “And I assume you know what’ll happen if you tell anyone?” Another nod. “Then go.”

Levi released his wrist. Marco stood for a few seconds, dumbfounded, before slowly turning around and trudging through the hall. A little ways down, Levi noticed, he began to tremble.

***

The next morning, Levi woke early to prepare. He donned black clothing—a shirt, jacket, jeans, and gloves. The page of instructions went in his left pocket, two USBs in his right, and a watch on his wrist. He cursed his heart for racing but took deep breaths to calm it, anyway.

When it was time to leave, he spoke to Kenny, who was staring blankly into his coffee. “I’m going to bike to school today.”

Even though he knew better, he waited for a response. Kenny had been drinking more and more for the past month, sleeping whenever he wasn’t guzzling a bottle of beer. His long hair was a rat’s nest, face gaunt with bags under his eyes. Levi didn’t know why or how, didn’t know anything except that his old man looked like shit and was unresponsive but he had more important things to do. So he left.

He rode leisurely, watching the sky brighten, though his grip on the handlebars was still tight. Upon arrival, he stored the bike behind the bushes as usual and checked his watch. 8:30 a.m. Sure enough, when he stepped up to the front door and rang the bell, no one answered. When he put his hand on the knob and twisted, it wouldn’t budge.

For a moment, his mind ran blank. How could he get in? Fumblingly, his hand reached into his pocket and he opened the instructions, eyes racing across the page.

_Look for spare key; usually kept under welcome mat or somewhere equally as hidden._

He mechanically dropped to his knees and raised the mat, catching sight of a glimmer. Reaching underneath and grabbing the key, he clutched it as if it would disappear.

_From what you told me, kid, this family sounds pretty fucking boring. And if they’re boring, there’s a good chance they’re predictable, too._

He guided the key to the door, slotting it in the opening and twisting, hearing the click of the lock. At first, he opened the door slowly, calling out into the house. Met with silence, he slipped inside and promptly closed it.

He walked briskly upstairs to where he knew Smith’s room was, having become familiar with the house’s layout. There it was, on his desk, black and elegant and clean. Levi opened it slowly, cautious even with his hands gloved. It asked for a password.

He retrieved the first USB and inserted it, nearly dropping it in the process, then opened the crinkled paper. _Follow the instructions, just follow the instructions._ It was simple. All he had to do was follow the instructions. Input the wrong password, choose to reset it, click next, select USB disk drive and to change the password, type the password and enter the computer…

And it worked. Another step completed. Levi exhaled through his nose.

Working quickly now but still glancing down at the paper every few seconds, he removed the first USB and inserted the second, dragging the folder to Smith’s files in a location that was visible but not obvious. _Smith can’t find it before tomorrow._ He named it “Resources.” An inconspicuous title.

Then, after looking proudly over his work, he removed the USB, closed the computer, and vacated the house, pulling his bike from the bushes and racing to the bridge he always passed on this route. Sitting beneath it, there he stayed, drifting in and out of consciousness. Despite now being empty, the second USB felt like a weight in his pocket, hot metal that burned his skin. He crushed it beneath his foot and buried the remains.

When the sky grew purple, he biked home. Kenny was in the same place he’d left him, except now he was passed out, head buried in his arms on the table. Levi walked right past him to his room. There, he deleted Tor off of his computer and went through all his files once, twice, three times, clearing anything that wasn’t pre-installed. At night as the fireplace burned, he tossed the paper of instructions in and watched it blacken.

He couldn’t sleep well that night, mind trained on that small little folder sitting comfortably in Smith’s laptop.

***

True to his word, Marco somehow convinced Smith to bring his computer to the school library. Levi watched from the lockers as Marco guided the boy out of the room. His own laptop in his arms, he placed it beside Smith’s on the table. Out of the corner of his eye, the red light of a camera blinked. He sat down and scrolled through websites for precisely five minutes, the sweat beading on his forehead, before closing the lid, rising, and exiting the room.

_One minute, two minutes, three, four…_ Then he entered the room again hurriedly, counting his steps. The sweat slickened his palms, causing him trouble as he lifted Smith’s laptop and slid it into his backpack.

_Seven minutes, eight minutes…_ Smith rounded the corner and entered the library, leaving with the corner of Levi’s laptop poking from his bag.

In the bathroom after school, Levi held his left eyelid open, forcing a blue contact onto the eyeball, doing the same for the right. Only after three tries each was he successful. He blinked through the discomfort.

_Doing anything to change your appearance can mislead the police if they do suspect you. When you go to them, give them a fake name, too. They’ll have a harder time finding you in the school. Not much, but it’s something._

After rubbing bronzer onto his face, he began the stride to the police station. His footsteps were heavy against the ground, as if cement blocks weighed him down. He felt itchy and nauseated, and his face was sure to be drawn in by stress.

_Let it be,_ he thought. _Anything to make them believe me._

Then he was walking inside the station and his gut was twisting and turning as heads turned to him and a man at the desk spoke up.

“What can I do for ya, son?”

When he spoke, he voice trembled fragilely. “I— I accidentally took someone else’s laptop because I thought it was mine, and— and I think I found something really bad…”

***

“Are you sick or something, Levi?” Eren teased. “You _never_ want to hang out when I’m with Erwin.”

Levi forcefully stopped the corners of his mouth from twitching upwards. Eren’s smile was so bright, so ethereally beautiful. Eren was an angel. Levi felt pride swell in his chest, because _he_ was the reason Eren smiled so brilliantly. He had saved the love of his life.

“I know, sorry. But I need to talk to you in private, tell you something.”

Smith eyed him warily. “You can do that later.”

“Fine. But I still want to be with Eren right now.”

Truth be told, he just wanted to be present when it happened, because it would be soon, and he needed to experience the fruit of his labor.

There they sat in the cafe, the three of them: an angel, a monster, and a hero. Levi and Smith spoke to Eren and Eren chatted to them both while sipping his hot chocolate. Smith’s eyes were on Eren while Levi’s were on the clock, watching the hands move, the seconds slip by. People came and left. Outside, flakes of snow dusted the ground. Levi blew on his own green tea. And Eren talked and laughed like wonderful music, though Levi didn’t mind the words.

When it did happen, it happened suddenly. Murmurs rippled across the room. A bell chimed as the door opened and several police officers stepped inside, gazing around.

“I— Is something wrong, officers?” a nervous employee stuttered. One policeman, tall but well-built with a grim expression, spoke.

“Is there a Erwin Smith here?”

Several eyes turned to them. Smith went rigid, eyes widening, and Eren jaw fell open. Levi hid his grin behind his hand, feigning shock.

“Er— Right here. That’s me,” Smith replied unsurely.

Oh, what tremendous glee! How amazing it felt as Levi watched the officers approach Smith and asked him to stand, patting their hands briefly down his body.

“What’s going on?”

“W— What’s happening?”

Smith and Eren spoke simultaneously, an edge of panic in both their voices. Levi, through his elation, heard the crucial words he’d been waiting to hear.

“You are under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you by the state.”

Smith gaped. His blue eyes were wider than Levi had ever seen them, sweat droplets forming on his face. His head whipped back and forth, looking around, seeing everyone staring, the phones filming. He jerked slightly as his arms were pulled behind his back, but allowed the handcuffs to click into place.

Eren was in a frenzy. He stumbled over his words, voice pitched. “W— There must be a mistake, officers! He didn’t do anything! He’d never do anything bad! What did he do? What did he do?”

And soon enough, Smith echoed him, asking over and over what he did wrong, why they’re doing this, but no one answered him. The police pulled him along, making him trip over his own two feet, outside and into the patrol car.

Eren followed. His words were getting quicker, more desperate. “Wait, please! You have to believe me! Erwin didn’t do anything, please! Why are you doing this?”

Together, they watched the car drive off. Eren stood momentarily frozen before collapsing to his knees, burying his face in his hands. Levi approached him slowly, speaking calmly.

“Eren?”

“Why is this happening, Levi?” Eren whimpered. “What’s happening? Oh God, what are they going to do? _Where are they taking him?_ ”

Levi resisted the urge to click his tongue. It would be difficult for Eren to forget about Smith, then. So be it. It was done, and now the path towards happiness was open.

He set a gentle hand on Eren’s shoulder and spoke as softly as he could. “Eren, you need to listen to me. I’m going to explain something.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I actually managed to make myself uncomfortable while writing this one, omg. The longest chapter thus far, and it's a doozy. (Definitely on a watch list.)  
> Regardless of the happenings here, I hope you enjoyed!! Again, thank you to everyone for the support. <3 Feedback is much loved.  
>  ~~Let's ignore that this chapter is two hours late.~~


	16. Cold Blood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's here. It's time.  
> Warnings: mild/moderate sexual assault, violence, non-descriptive alcohol abuse, murder.

When Levi told him, Eren had screamed and cried. He’d insisted that the Erwin Smith he knew wouldn’t do such a thing, that there had to be some mistake. When he’d started to march to the police station, Levi grabbed him and pulled him into his arms, whispering condolences into his ear, and Eren sobbed into his shoulder.

Angry and irrational, Eren had spoken to his friends the next day at lunch about what had happened. Levi had made certain that Eren mentioned every last detail. And then whispers were exchanged in the halls and texts sent, and no more than a week later, the name _Erwin Smith_ was muttered like a swear.

A bubbling euphoria had taken root in Levi’s chest, spreading as he looked at the lunch table without Smith, tingling pleasantly in his fingertips and toes like a high. He took his seat beside Eren and gave him a genuine smile, heart clenching when Eren didn’t offer one back.

He’d been like this since Smith had left: eyes distant, contemplating. Unresponsive to Levi’s warmth. Levi told himself to be patient, that Eren would come around, but it only seemed to be getting worse. Eren fidgeted during class and spaced out during their dates, and when Levi would embrace him, he’d remain cold.

But even so, even still as a doll with a faraway gaze, he was still beautiful. His skin was still smooth and hair still soft and scent still sweet, and Levi breathed him in like fresh air. As long as Eren was his, only his, he would be okay. They would all be okay.

And Levi realized one weekend afternoon that maybe Eren needed an incentive to snap out of it. An idea took form—one that excited him down to the bones, lit a flame in his gut. He appeared at the Jaeger home and rung the doorbell, trying and failing to quell his nerves.

When Eren opened the door, he asked, “Is anyone else home?”

Eren blinked. “No, why—”

Levi stepped inside and closed the door behind him before promptly setting his hands on Eren’s hips, turning to press him against a wall. Eren’s grunt was swallowed up by Levi’s lips on his.

Levi’s skin was on fire. He pushed and pressed, savoring the feeling of Eren’s soft lips, the faint taste of strawberries, the hotness of his cheeks as Levi cupped them to pull Eren closer and run his tongue across his teeth. At first, he kept his eyes open, staring at Eren’s wide green eyes and flushed skin, but he let them fall closed as he succumbed to it all. Eren’s mouth was so plush, so nice to taste, like a snack…

With a gasp, Eren raised his foot and kicked Levi away. Levi stumbled before quickly regaining his balance, gazing back at Eren. The sight of him, blushing and panting, sent sparks of electricity to Levi’s groin. He didn’t think about why Eren had pushed him away, why he was looking at him so incredulously, only about how good it finally felt, how he needed more.

“Wha— What the fuck, Levi?” Eren breathed. Levi stepped forward and cupped his cheek, gripping his chin as he tried to turn away.

“Don’t resist me, Eren,” he spoke quietly. This was only meant for them, only ever for them. No one else mattered. The entire world could burn and Levi wouldn’t care, because he was here with Eren, Eren, Eren—!

“Levi? Why—”

Again, Levi lurched forward and attached their lips. He shifted forward until Eren’s entire body was pinned to the wall, settling a knee between Eren’s legs and grasping his wrists.

So sweet, like strawberry shortcake. Not just his lips that were delicious, but his breaths, his whines, his hot skin, his shifting that only served to rub him more against Levi… So flustered and so desperate, eyes screwed shut, as if he were asking for more.

Levi grinned into his mouth and rested one hand on the waistband of Eren’s sweatpants. Running the tips of his fingers across Eren’s hip, he hooked on and began to tug, slowly, downwards. Eren jostled and thrashed, but Levi gripped him harder, desperate to watch him fall apart.

But Levi pulled back out of surprise when pain exploded in his mouth and the taste of iron met his tongue. Eren finally opened his eyes into a glare, snarling, blood dripping from his teeth.

“What the _fuck_ are you doing?” he seethed.

Levi shushed him, reaching to touch Eren again, but Eren leapt to his right, tripping over his own feet and collapsing to the ground, breathing rapidly. Levi’s brow twitched.

“What are you doing? Don’t ruin the mood.”

“The mood!” Eren exclaimed, clambering to his feet. “Why— What— Why did you do that?”

The fluttering of Levi’s stomach had died. He stared at Eren, feeling as though he was missing a puzzle piece.

“I… thought we were going to have sex.”

“What!” Eren stumbled backwards once again, back colliding with the sofa. He shook his head vehemently. “Why would you ever think that?”

And again, Levi stared. Was Eren joking? Was this a prank he didn’t understand?

“That’s what couples do, right?” he said curtly. “It’s natural, so come on.”

“What?” Eren’s mouth was open, eyes the size of saucers, looking at him as if he’d sprouted antlers. Then his brow furrowed and he shook his head once, twice. “This… You’re joking, right?”

His head had started to hurt. He raised a hand to his temple. Eren flinched.

“What the fuck are you talking about? Let’s just do it. You owe me.”

He advanced on Eren, wrapping an arm around around his waist and leading him to the sofa, laying him down nice and softly. With Eren’s hands in his own, pinned above a head of brown hair, he lowered himself down. Eren, who had been staring with that same distant look, was broken from his stupor. Levi groaned when his spine hit the floor.

“No! What the fuck? If this a joke, this isn’t funny!”

“Eren—”

“Why would you _ever_ think we’re a couple? And that I _owe_ you? Are you fucking kidding me? Even if this is some fucked up prank, it’s not okay! This is sexual assault!”

Levi dug his nails into the rug beneath the coffee table. “What?” he hissed.

“What? You don’t get it? Do I really have to fucking explain this to you?”

He pushed himself upright, gripping the table to lift himself, though his hand was shaking. His ears must have deceived him. Or this was a bad dream. Or Eren was still pretending, despite standing rigid with fists balled and eyes puffy, not at all looking like a fake.

With gut twisting, he forced out the words caught in his throat, bitter on the tongue and worse in the air. “What do you mean? You’re my boyfriend.”

Eren scanned his face, head shaking again. Levi felt sick, nausea rising up in him.

“You are! I’m your boyfriend and you’re mine! You took my hand at the mall and let me take you on dates and—”

“You’re not joking.” Eren’s words had an air of finality to them, tone heavy. He was pale now rather than flushed, eyes still boring into him, though Levi could hardly see them. The world was disappearing around Levi, gone beneath his feet, crumbling away. When did Eren get so far from him? When did he back away?

“Fuck. Look, I’m sorry if I led you on, Levi. I just wanted to be your friend. Erwin was, is, still my boyfr—”

“No!” The wall cracked beneath his fist. “Don’t fucking mention him! He’s brainwashed you! He tricked you! I told you what he did, and you still fucking believe in him more than your own boyfriend!”

“You’re not my boyfriend!” Eren screamed, veins popping. “You manipulated me and now you assault me, and Erwin did nothing wrong, it’s all a mistake—”

“Shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch!” Levi brought a palm across Eren’s cheek, ignoring the sting. Eren staggered. “You’re wrong! You’re all wrong! You are mine and I am yours and that’s how it’s always been!”

Eren shakingly touched his reddened cheek, wincing. Levi froze, looked at him, at his own hand, then fell to his knees. His voice trembled. “Baby, I’m sorry—”

“Get the fuck out!” Eren bellowed. Levi buried his head in his hands.

“No, please, don’t make me leave, Eren. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry—”

“I don’t fucking care.”

“—I’ll be better to you, I promise. We’ll be perfect and happy, just please don’t leave me alone.”

He was hyperventilating, black dots clouding his vision, but Eren didn’t hesitate.

“Get out or I’m calling the police.”

As he made his way to the door, he faltered several times, the world spinning far too fast. Upon finally making it to the porch, he heard the door slam and lock behind him. He knelt in the grass and closed his eyes, trying to make everything going away, to calm his burning heart. Minutes passed and fat tears stung his face. How could Eren be so cruel? How could he still not know the truth?

Then his thoughts began to wander and he remembered Eren’s refusal of his gifts, his discomfort, his closeness to Smith, and suddenly came the possibility of Levi being wrong and Eren being—

Levi scrambled to his feet, racing to his bike. He sped through the empty streets, wanting to get away from that nasty thought, from the stabbing pain, but it all followed him. So he rode faster. And faster. As the world rushed by, he turned his head to the sky and screamed. And he kept riding until his legs went numb and he collapsed on the side of the road. When his vision came back into focus, he looked around, immediately recognizing the area.

Somehow he found himself walking towards that familiar house, not in control of his sore feet, or the finger that he raised to the doorbell. The pain was gone, flushed out of his system, and now he was hollow. He didn’t even react when Erwin Smith’s mother met his eyes.

“Yes?”

He didn’t know what to say. Why did he come here? And still, he spoke. “When is Erwin Smith returning?”

The woman’s eyes were hooded with dark bags beneath them, looking like she hadn’t slept in days. She gave a heavy sigh. “I don’t know, kid. Ask again another day.”

Riding home, Levi couldn’t bring himself to be angry with the woman for not answering his question. It didn’t matter when Erwin Smith returned. He had already done his part.

***

Eren avoided him at school. When approached, he would make excuses, or pretend to not have seen him, or cover up Levi’s words with his own. Levi stopped eating with him, unable to bear it. He said nothing when Eren’s friends spoke to him. He could hardly stand to look at them—or anyone else, for that matter.

He hated them all. He hated this world. And he wanted to hate Eren for being so stupid, for letting Smith corrupt him, but he couldn’t. Instead, every night, he would sob into his pillow at the thought of Eren, the memory of their last words. Sometimes, late in the night, he would stare outside his window at the sky, wondering if this was it for him, if he’d lost who he loved.

What the point, without Eren? What was he without Eren? What was he without the ability to be happy? What was he, what was he, what was he.

Kenny found him one morning unconscious on the kitchen floor, empty alcohol bottles splayed about. Levi had just wanted something to take him away from here.

He stopped going to school after that, opting to drink during the day and burn papers in the fireplace at night. Kenny didn’t bring it up. He was too wasted himself.

Between the two of them, the alcohol didn’t last long. On a cloudy April day, Levi stepped outside for the first time in days to buy more. He kept his head down at the store and as he walked back, only lifting it to consider which route to take before deciding on the long way—the one that passed the school.

He couldn’t help it. He needed a reminder that Eren was real, and even on a weekend, the school still had the paths they’d walked, the benches they’d sat on. It would do.

There was a person on one of the benches. He noticed it as he walked, though he couldn’t make out who they were. So he kept on, squinting, the colors beginning to come into view. First yellow, then white, and—

The bottles clanked together as the bags slipped from his hands.

Erwin Smith turned around at the noise. Even from here, Levi saw his pallor and unkempt hair. And when Smith saw him, his face curled into a horrible expression, and he paced towards Levi, who stood still.

Smith’s blue eyes looked like they’d previously been empty. Now, though, they were brimming with ice, sharp and cold and _hateful._ When he spoke, his voice was a raspy hiss between his teeth.

“ _You…_ You fucking destroyed me. You ruined my life.”

Levi didn’t answer, didn’t feel anything. Why should he? All his efforts were in vain.

He tried to pick up his bags and keep walking, but Smith clutched the collar of his shirt in a white-knuckled fist.

“Do you understand me, you worthless shit? You ruined my life!” Levi grimaced as spit hit his face.

“I don’t care. Let me go.”

Smith’s expression contorted further. He shook Levi, who coughed and scowled. Smith’s eyes were wide and red-rimmed, mouth open and lips pulled back to show his teeth. His muscles were taut and hair greasy. To Levi, he’d never been more of a monster.

“Nobody at school will look at me anymore! My own family is ashamed of me! They put what they found on my permanent record, so no company will ever hire me, and my future is completely fucked, and it’s all because you put that shit on my computer! Everyone hates me because of you!”

Levi hated him. He hated this monster in front of him. And now, dangling in his grasp with spit on his face, he had never before felt his head and chest burn so much.

“You deserved it,” he said lowly, speaking each word clear as day. He saw Smith’s arm reel backwards, and then pain exploded across his face.

Levi slipped to the ground, cradling his nose, vision blurring. After seeing his crimson-stained fingers, he glared up at Smith, who looked nowhere near satisfied. Even so, with fists still clenched, he turned around and began to walk away.

Levi picked himself up and barreled forward, delivering a punch to the back of Smith’s neck. Smith choked and keeled forward, and Levi swiftly kicked his head, sending him to the ground. And he kicked and kicked, until a hand wrapped around his ankle and pulled him down, earning him a face full of dirt.

Another flash of pain in his chin, then another in the mouth. He gasped and reached outward, grabbing Smith’s arm, breathing stiffly through the agony of his swelling lip, but another punch came down onto his stomach.

“Fuck!” he wheezed, his sight going black around the edges.

He scraped his nails down Smith’s arm, promptly being rewarded with a yell and the twisting of his own arm. His scream was interrupted by a thick hand encircling his throat.

It gripped tight, but not tight enough to completely cut off Levi’s breath. He forced small inhales and exhales, face and stomach aching, arm threatening to snap, staring at Smith’s monstrous face until he could no longer bear to.

Eyelids starting to fall shut, his gaze dropped to the ground beside him. Dirt. Filthy dirt, and sticks, and…

Levi jerked his eyes upward, meeting Smith’s once more. “If you… wanna kill me… do it,” he croaked. Smith blinked, leaning backwards with hesitance.

As soon as his grip loosened, Levi pulled himself free, reached for the bottle from the bag, and struck it upon Smith’s head. For a moment, after Smith collapsed, he stared at him, and his veins filled with hatred, hatred, _hatred…_

He brought the bottle down again. Felt the impact, heard the crack, but it wasn’t enough. He did it again. And again. And again. Each time loving the noise, the sight of someone getting what he deserves. He couldn’t stop himself, feeling too good, too overwhelmed, body moving on its own, desperately trying to erase this monster from the world. The glass was hard, warm, and red. Beneath yellow hair, a smooth surface was caving in, and it felt nice to the touch. The warm, red liquid. And beneath that, pink and white. Again and again the bottle fell, cracking until it shattered entirely and the pieces slipped from Levi’s hand, the alcohol soaking him.

Levi touched his forehead to the ground, sobbing into the dirt. The world was falling away again, leaving him floating alone. There was nothing beneath him. Nothing above or beside him. Only him.

***

Once his breathing had settled, Levi sat up and opened his eyes. Upon seeing Smith, his lurched forward and gagged up bile. After that, he screamed. And after that, he tossed panicked glances around, realizing where he was, what he’d done, and he started to hyperventilate again.

_WhatdoIdowhatdoIdowhatdoIdo—_

There. The ditch. It had a drainage pipe in it. A large enough drainage pipe.

He kept his eyes anywhere else as he dragged Smith along, trying not to focus on the coldness and stiffness of his body or the trail of scarlet as he pushed him down the pipe. As soon as it was out of sight, he stood and ran as fast as he could.

Even when his body protested, he didn’t dare stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There ya go. The end of act 2.  
> I hope I wrote it well enough!! Thank you for reading! Feedback is much loved. <3 I'll see you next chapter.~


	17. Rumination

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: gore, paranoia, mentioned self-hatred.

The next morning, Levi hurried back to the site. Almost falling from his bike several times due to lack of sleep, he made it there regardless, relieved to find it deserted.

The plastic bag was still there, stocked with bottles, and glass littered the ground—which now had a distinct red tint to it. He stuffed the plastic bag into a pocket of his own duffel bag that he’d brought with him, having had ensured it would be roomy enough. Clutching a miniature broom in his hand, he brushed the shards into a pile before withdrawing a small metal shovel and digging a hole. The terrain was tough and rocky, and his wrist stung under the strain, unable to make anything deeper than half a foot, but it was good enough. Down the hole went the glass, covered up by dirt. Levi pushed and kicked at the soil, rearranging it until all traces of red were gone.

He turned to face the ditch, sweat beading on his neck, dragging one foot in front of the other. Slipping a hand into the duffel bag, he wrapped his fingers around the hilt of the butcher knife, reassuring himself of its presence. The inside of the pipe was cold—colder than yesterday. And sure enough, a few feet down, shrouded in darkness, there he was. Levi grabbed a stiff ankle and dragged it out, the weight scraping heavily against the ground. They were out in the open, the rising sun peering down at them. He looked to his left, his right, up, down, scouring for eyes or cameras. There were none.

Then he looked down at Smith.

His skin was pale and brittle as a sheet of paper, lips a slight blue and eyelids—thankfully—closed. But the top of his head was dented. Dented and red. Disformed. Levi blinked the yellow spots from his vision, slipping the old plastic bag over Smith’s head before grasping the wrists. They were still, cold even through Levi’s gloves.

Up the hill they went, then into the trees. The air was thick, chilly, and silent for all but the sound of shifting gravel. In a clearing encircled by small trees with no houses in sight, Levi set Smith before him, knelt, and withdrew his knife.

He felt sick. Nausea swirled in his stomach and his head had begun to throb. Through squinted eyes, he forced himself to lower the knife to the top of the left arm, tremblingly pressing the blade to the skin. He tried to press down, but he was shaking too violently, vision blurring.

With a grunt, he set the knife in his lap and sucked in breath after breath. _It’s necessary, it’s necessary,_ he chanted to himself. _It’s just meat. Just like any other animal._

So he picked up the knife again, taking a moment to clear his thoughts from his head. He mustn't think. He couldn’t think about this. And without thinking, he sawed swiftly through the limb without pause. Only when it was completely detached did he stop to lean over and gag.

He cut the other arm next. Then the legs, the knife taking more time to get through certain bones. And it really was like cutting up animal meat, but that thought made him even more ill, so he pushed it away. At least no blood leaked out.

Even with arms and legs off and hands and feet removed, it wasn’t enough. For hours, as the sun winked down at him through the clouds, Levi sliced through the stomach, the neck, the limbs. Whenever he caught sight of the shiny, slippery organs, he moved to the side to wretch and wheeze. Even worse was the noises they made—squishy, suction-y sounds as they were cut and separated.

Thankfully, the smaller the pieces got, the less recognizable it became. Finally, with back and hands aching and mouth tasting of vomit, Levi brushed it all into his duffel bag. Then he set out again.

Walking further and further, looking for a place with no signs of people, Levi found himself in the woods. Surrounded by thick trees, he unzipped a pocket of his bag, finding the shovel. The earth here was softer, easier to dig through. The hole he made was some feet deep and slightly fewer feet wide. Upturning the bag, he looked away as its contents spilled, but that didn’t spare his ears from the slick noises. He did his best not to look as he piled dirt into the hole.

Once it was all covered and patted down, he returned to his bike, feeling hollow as he biked home.

***

Levi had locked his door and closed his blinds, uncaring of the darkness. He sat on his bed, wrapped in a blanket, watching the door.

Any moment now, he expected it to burst open with police awaiting him, ready to shut him away forever. He’d never be allowed to travel or see people… He’d never be allowed to see—

In any case, he would never be happy ever again if he was taken away. He couldn’t let it happen. They couldn’t find him, they couldn’t, they couldn’t, they couldn’t.

The clock in his room ticked, but he didn’t look at it. Only ever watching the door. Staring at the un-turning knob.

_Tick, tick, tick._

He couldn’t read or go online, too afraid of taking his eyes off the door. Even with his back facing the wall, his skin crawled with the feeling of being watched. Itchy. Like ants creeping up his spine and neck.

He sat there. Watching the door. And the clock ticked.

On some days, with nothing better to do, he would talk to himself. Usually in his head, occasionally aloud just to be reminded of his own voice. Most often, the words he heard were _You killed him._

Each time he heard that was different. At first, he gagged and choked and whimpered _No_ into his pillow.

_You did._

_No._

_You did._

_No._

_You did._

_Yes._

He did.

The next time he heard it, he got angry.

_You killed him._

_Who fucking cares?_

_You killed him._

_He deserved it._

_You killed him._

_Shut up._

_You killed him._

_Shut up._

_You killed him._

_Shut up!_

Papers ripped and ripped until no books were intact. He went to punch his mirror only to find it already in pieces.

_Don’t you remember? You already destroyed it. Monster._

_I’m not a monster._

Was he? He wasn’t.

Other times when he was reminded of what he’d done, he didn’t care. He couldn’t care. What did it matter, anyway? Or he felt afraid. Or excited. But never regretful.

_Why don’t you regret it?_

Why didn’t he regret it? On some level, he supposed he did. It was a mistake. He got caught up in the moment. He could be in serious trouble, but he didn’t mean to—!

_But you don’t regret that he’s gone?_

But he didn’t regret that he was gone.

He watched the door, and the clock ticked.

***

There was one night when Levi dreamt of tan skin and green eyes. When he woke up, he was surprised to find tears on his cheeks.

Why was he crying? Who had he dreamt of?

No, he knew. He just couldn’t bear to think it. Did that make him weak, to run from the pain? To hide this way? But he had to. If he left this room, the world would destroy him bit by bit.

_Coward._

No, he wasn’t a coward. He just wanted to be happy. Was it a crime, to want to be happy? Did trying to be happy make someone a monster? That’s all he wanted. To be happy.

When he thought of that person with the tan skin and green eyes, he felt a bitterness rise in him. He was supposed to be happy with that person. Why did everyone hate him? Why couldn’t he just _be happy?_

But he couldn’t cry, because he couldn’t see the door through tears. And he had to watch the door. The clock ticked.

He started dreaming of Smith. Blue eyes and blond hair, still bright. But then they’d fade and the color would drain from his skin, and slowly from the top of his head he would melt like candlewax into a puddle. When Levi looked at his hands, he would see red. Red. Red. Red.

Levi hated himself.

_Why do you hate yourself?_

Why did he hate himself? Was it because of what he’d done? But it was a mistake. He didn’t mean to. Making mistakes was something all humans did.

Was it wrong, what he did? He felt like he should know. But he didn’t—he didn’t know anything anymore. Not who he was, not who to trust, not what to do, not why he wanted to tear his own throat out.

_Stop. You need to watch the door._

He watched the door. They were coming for him. They had to be. Everyone wanted to ruin his life, because they were too cruel, too stupid. They didn’t understand anything. He hated them all. The world would be better without them!

The clock ticked.

***

Then, one day while watching the door, the knob jiggled.

Levi jolted upwards, shuffling back until he was pressed up against the wall. He extended his arm to the window, ready to open it. His heart hammered against his chest.

When a voice filtered through the wood, it was that of his uncle, gruff and tired.

“Levi, open up.”

“You can talk just fine from over there,” Levi replied hoarsely.

Kenny sighed, but continued. “The school keeps calling about your absence. I’m sick and tired of defending you. You’re truant. If you don’t go to school tomorrow, the authorities are going to make us both meet with the school. Got it?”

Levi opened his mouth, but no words came out. He heard Kenny shuffle away.

The authorities… He couldn’t let the authorities take him. He had to go to school. He had to.

After a long night of tossing and turning, he forced himself into a new outfit and out the door. Even low in the sky, the sun burned his eyes. He opted to ride his bike despite the ache of his disused muscles.

But there were people everywhere. Looking at him. Did they know? No, they couldn’t. Could they?

Too many people, too many eyes. He felt like a mouse in a lion’s den, standing in front of the school, watching others go in, throwing glances at him. He couldn’t do this. He felt sick. It hurt.

So again he ran away, fast and aimlessly, breaths coming sharp and staccato. What should he do? What could he do? He couldn’t go to school, but he couldn’t not go to school, either. They’d find him. What could he do? Nothing. He was a pathetic animal backed into a corner.

His eyes darted back and forth across the town. There was no place for him here. Kenny had a tent, and food, and money. He could leave. He had to leave.

He couldn’t be happy here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun...  
> Alternate title for this chapter: The One Heavily Inspired by The Second Half of Neon Genesis Evangelion  
> But seriously, I'm really glad that people are enjoying and supporting this. Thank you!! And as usual, feel free to comment. ^^


	18. The Left Road

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprisingly less intense than the previous chapters.  
> Warnings: running away, sadness, mild anxiety.  
> 

Levi got up at the crack of dawn. Having had taken three sleeping pills the night before, he managed to feel somewhat well-rested, though his skin still tingled with familiar anxiety, hand shaking as he opened his door.

The house was still dark, but that was nothing he wasn’t used to. Creeping to the kitchen, he was surprised to notice that Kenny had not passed out on the couch this time, though it’d make his job easier.

He ate a quick breakfast of buttered toast and water to satisfy the grumbling of his stomach before retrieving a large bag, having had tossed away the duffel bag, the stench too strong. In went food—chips, granola bars, fruits, bread—and several bottles of water. Then a flashlight and a sleeping bag. Changes of clothes. Money. Matches. And soap (on a whim).

Levi reached for his phone, but paused. The police could track phones, right? Better to not take it. It’s not as if he’d miss any messages, anyway.

On went thick black clothing, and he pulled the old tent from the closet, carrying it with the rest of his supplies. At the front door, he turned back to face his home. No, not his home anymore. It couldn’t be. He couldn’t stay. 

Even so, as he slipped out the door, he couldn’t help the pang in his chest.

He looked over Kenny’s car. Should he take it? It’d be easier that way. But the police would find him if he did. No, there was no room for comfort now. So he strapped the tent and bag to the back of his bike and set off into the embers of the morning.

***

Levi rode for hours. At first, adrenaline fueled him to get out, and his legs pumped furiously against the weight of the supplies and slope of the roads. He flew by houses and businesses and trees and out of the town, onto the open road. And then he kept going, not daring to look back, fearing that someone was chasing him. 

But now his legs burned and abdomen ached. His chest heaved out breath after breath, bike swaying unsteadily. He’d been watching his route and the road signs, keeping track of where he was going, but it was beginning to blur together. Just before he could fall to the asphalt, he braked and pushed himself off the bike, letting it fall over and himself to his knees.

After catching his breath, he looked around. He was deeper into the mountainside, pines towering above him and hills rising and dipping like waves. The road behind him was straight, but in front… Just a little ways ahead, he could see a crossroads. One road curved off to the left, the other to the right, but he couldn’t tell where either of them led.

Unzipping his bag, Levi withdrew one of the water bottles and took some gulps, unable to help himself. He unwrapped an apple and nibbled on it before packing back up and getting on the bike, starting forward, not pausing or hesitating.

On a whim, he took the left road, uncaring of where it would take him.

***

All day, he rode, stopping sometimes to drink and eat. During those breaks, he recited the route he’d taken so far.

_Why are you trying to remember how to get back?_

Why was he trying to remember how to get back? It almost felt as though he’d left something behind—something just as important as food and water. He itched to go back, to look for it, but he forced his eyes to keep ahead. He couldn’t return, he couldn’t return, _he couldn’t return._

So Levi biked under the cloudy sky through the chilly air, watching as the sun began to descend. During the evening, more cars began to pass him. Each time, a tremor overcame him as he half-expected a voice to call out to him, but they all passed by quietly. Even so, he put up his hood and tilted his head as they went by.

By the time the sky grew dark, all the energy had been drained from him. He set up the tent in the cover of the trees, thankful that Kenny had once showed him how. It wasn’t much warmer inside, of course. Dark and constricting, even more so when he slipped into his sleeping bag and hugged his knees to his chest. Outside the thin walls, the forest whispered and murmured, and occasionally the hum of an engine would pass, but aside from that and his short breaths, it was silent.

Levi wanted to go home. Wanted to sleep inside his bedroom, under the covers. Wanted to feel safe and not alone and on the run. 

But he would never feel safe again. He’d made a mistake—a horrible, stupid mistake that had taken away his freedom. But now he was so alone, so alone, and it hurt it hurt it hurt it—

He’d always been alone, though.

No, that wasn’t true. There was that person, with brown hair and green eyes. He made Levi feel warm and safe, gave him comfort. 

Although it wasn’t true even then, was it? That person would never understand. He didn’t understand when Levi tried to protect him, didn’t get why he did the things he did. _Eren._ So cruel, Eren. How could you be so cruel? 

Now he was choking on his cries. And that’s how he fell asleep.

*** 

For two more days, Levi rode. Despite his better judgement, he still kept track of each turn and ate and drank without restraint, his hunger of the past couple weeks catching up to him. Eventually, the scenery began to change as the trees grew less dense and the space around him widened. During his breaks, he’d sit by a babbling stream, dipping his fingertips into the icy water to jar him awake. At times he’d even gaze up at the clouds. For some reason, they brought him a small amount of comfort.

He biked by some towns, almost stopping at a few but still continuing onward, feeling that the distance wasn’t yet enough. Also… spotting the people going about their lives made him feel melancholic and out of place. He didn’t belong around them.

So he fell into a sort of routine: wake up, ride, take scattered breaks throughout the day, ride more, and sleep. During particularly cold hours, he’d strike a match and hold it to a small pile of wood. It didn’t work at first, but then a small flame would come to life and he’d hold his stiff hands over it, berating himself for not bringing his gloves.

(He looked away when he put the fire out. It reminded him of the life leaving Smith’s eyes.)

Another time, he noticed the grime and dirt on his skin and in his hair and grimaced. It wasn’t much, but he cupped the streamwater in his hands and wet his head, rubbing soap in before rinsing it out, making sure to start one more fire afterwards to avoid freezing.

Really, Levi could have kept going like that. He could have biked across the nation. But in the afternoon of the third day, he uncapped his last bottle and upended it into his mouth, only for a pitiful single drop to fall on his tongue. After rummaging through the wrappers in his bag, he found only one slice of bread left.

Immediately, he got back on his bike and took off.

***

Levi stopped at the first town he came across. Trost, it was called. An odd name.

It seemed to be a tourist-type place, filled with gift shops and parks and trails. In the dimming daylight, he walked his bike through the sidewalks, heartbeat spiking whenever someone tossed him a glance. 

_No one knows you here. No one knows you here._

No one knew him here. He’d be fine. 

There were no franchises he recognized. Instead, he saw people eating through the windows of a small building and entered without second thought, gut tying itself into knots. Having left his bike against the wall, he approached the counter with twenty dollars clutched in his quivering hand.

“What can I get for you, sir?” said the employee, looking at him, staring at him. Levi’s eyes shot up at the menu, scanning it quickly.

“Uh, I— I’ll just have the nine-piece chicken wings and fries. And a medium soda,” he said. “Please.” 

“Of course. And that’ll be all?” 

Staring. They were all staring at him. 

“Yes.”

He waited with his head down, feeling the eyes all over him like ants, not looking at the employee’s face when they returned with a plate and he handed them ten dollars. Taking it to a secluded corner of the small room, he ate, but he couldn’t savor it. Not with them all staring at him. 

When he stepped outside, the sky was dark. Down the road, he could see a hotel, and he grabbed his bike and started towards it before stopping. The police could ask the hotel about him, and then they’d know when he got here and when he left. Not staying in any hotels would… throw them off… Besides, placing a hand on his bag and remembering how quickly he’d gone through his food and water, he realized that he’d like to avoid the same thing happening with his money.

So Levi walked until he found an empty alleyway large enough to fit his tent. Just as he was unpacking, setting up, a shadow was thrown in front of him by the streetlight and he heard footsteps from behind.

He whipped around, nails digging into his palms because he hadn’t thought to bring a knife, and was met with the sight of a girl. Tall and skinny, with dark hair pulled up into a ponytail and glasses framing her eyes.

For a minute, neither of them said anything. The girl’s eyes darted back and forth from Levi to his unfinished tent, her mouth opening and closing. Finally, she spoke.

“Hey, I won’t hurt you.” Her voice was surprisingly deep for a girl’s. “But… You really don’t want to sleep out here—”

“Fuck off,” Levi snapped, just wanting to crawl into his sleeping bag. The girl wasn’t fazed. 

“I’m serious. You’ll be murdered or freeze to death and it’s not even nice out here.” She seemed to consider something, and then sighed. “Look, I have a spare room at my place. If you want, it wouldn’t be much trouble to have you stay for a couple nights or however long.” Her eyes widened. “Assuming you don’t have any money, that is! If you do, sorry for stereotyping you!”

Levi looked at her more closely. She was lanky—not to mention, female. More fragile than him, too weak to try anything. In any case, she seemed harmless. His fatigue-addled mind didn’t need much more convincing. He nodded, and the woman grinned.

“Wow! Well, nice to meet you, stranger. My name’s Hanji.”

***

Levi refrained from sighing in relief as he entered Hanji’s house. The warmth felt nice on his brittle skin. It was a decently-sized home, slightly bigger than his own… Or rather, what used to be his own. 

But he just wanted to sleep. The ache in his body had seeped into his bones, and even worse, Hanji had barraged him with questions as they walked. Who he was, why he was here. The thought of her being sent to retrieve him had crossed his mind and made him ill, but he pushed it away. This was a new town. No one knew him here. No one knew, no one knew, no one knew.

He’d given her his name on accident, too overwhelmed to consider the consequences, but what was done was done. The rest of her questions he’d answered with either clipped responses or hums. Even so, she had said something that’d stayed with him.

_“You’re alone?”_

_“...Yeah.”_  

_“Ah, don’t worry! So am I. Have been for most of my life—parents always away and all. I had one friend, but he moved away a while ago. Eh, we get used to it, am I right?”_  

When he’d glanced at her, he saw in her eyes the familiar feeling of being well and truly alone. It had been a brief flash before she smiled and asked him what he used to do. Levi hadn’t answered.

“Well, make yourself at home!” Hanji said, toeing off her shoes and walking to the hallway opposite them. “Follow me, I’ll show you to your room!”

He shuffled along after her, eyes trained on the walls. They were bare. Even Kenny had pictures of him and Kuchel.

When Hanji stopped, Levi almost bumped into her. She pushed open a door and turned on the lights, revealing a bland room with a decently-sized bed—larger than anything he was used to—and two nightstands on either side.

“This is where my parents sleep on the rare occasion that they’re actually here,” Hanji quipped. “My friend used to sleep here when he stayed over, too. He moved schools because of some family business thing…” She trailed off. Levi, not listening, promptly slid under the sheets.

“Oh, anyway,” she laughed, “goodnight, Levi!”

And she left, closing the door behind her. Levi felt tears prickle his eyes at the warmth and softness of a bed. He fell swiftly to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayy it's Hanji!  
> There was a lil _something_ somewhere in this chapter, but I think I made it a bit obvious, lol. (And if I didn't, it's definitely obvious now, oops.)  
>  I hope you enjoyed, and thank you for reading! Feedback is loved, as usual, lolol.~


	19. Catharsis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: nightmares, panic attack.

_His hands were red. Red and warm. Covered in viscous crimson liquid, dripping off his fingertips. And where the droplets should have hit the ground, they continued downward, falling and falling. There was no floor, no ceiling or walls, just blackness all around._

_Where was he?_

_He didn’t care. Didn’t care about anything at all except the red of his hands that was growing hotter, stinging his skin. He shook his hands, wiped them on his sides, but the red began to leak out in abundance. It burned. Seared his skin. And he screamed and screamed, thrashing, but the red poured down his arms, ate at him like fire to wax._

_When he looked down, he saw his body melting, bone and muscle and all. And he kept screaming, calling out, but the red was in his throat now and his eyes and he burned, melted, until there was nothing._  

***

Levi awoke in the middle of the night, panting. The sheets were soaked with sweat and the blanket was on the floor. It was dark, but the moonlight still shone through the window, and the floor was there beneath his feet. His hands remained clean.

He collapsed backward onto the mattress, but he couldn’t fall back to sleep, afraid that if he closed his eyes for too long, everything would disappear. 

Soon after the sun rose, he heard a distant door open and footsteps pass his room. He waited for some minutes, nervous to leave the comfort of this bedroom, but when his stomach grumbled, he climbed to his feet and made his way to the kitchen.

Hanji was sitting alone at a four-person table, munching on cereal. She was looking out the window with a ghost of a smile on her face, jumping when Levi cleared his throat.

“Oh, I didn’t hear you! Sorry, I was thinking,” she chuckled, standing. “I’ll get you some breakfast. What’dya want to eat? Cornflakes? Toast? Fruit? I don’t have eggs or anything.”

Levi swallowed the saliva that had formed in his watering mouth. “I— I don’t care. Just a lot.”

“Right!”

She rushed about the kitchen pushing buttons and opening drawers as Levi took a seat at the table, opposite of where she’d been sitting. When she presented him with a plate of toast with jam, apples, a bowl of cereal, and a glass of water, his hunger overcame his caution and he dug in. He wolfed down the toast and cereal, only slowing down once he’d reached the apples.

Of course, Levi had been eating apples during his journey. But these were fresh and crisp, nicely sliced, not old and soft, so he closed his eyes with each bite, savoring the sweetness. He got so lost in the taste that he forgot about Hanji, who was gazing at him from the other end of the table.

“So when are you leaving?” she asked. Levi’s eyes drifted to his bike and bag, which sat at the ready by the front door. 

“Today, I guess,” he mumbled. He had to keep going—couldn’t stop in one place for too long. They wouldn’t stop looking. They’d find him.

Hanji’s shoulders drooped. She looked away as she spoke. “You can stay longer, Levi. I really don’t mind.” 

Levi snapped his gaze back to her, a jolt running through his body. He planted his feet firmly on the floor, preparing to get up and run. Who was she? Why did she want him to stay? Was she with them? No, she couldn’t be. Could she?

“Why?” he snapped.

Hanji blinked, holding her palms up. “Hey, sorry. I don’t mean whatever you’re thinking. I just… It’s— lonely here sometimes, ya now? For me. And I don’t get company often. I just thought it’d be nice.”

Levi looked at her for a little longer before turning to the window. Outside was quiet, the house in a secluded part of town. His supplies were still here, and the door could be unlocked within a second. And the taste of apples in his mouth was still so sweet that he couldn’t help but to say—

“Fine, I’ll stay for a few days.”

Hanji’s face lit up. “Alright! Man, this’ll be fun! I promise I’ll try not to be too annoying!”

She returned to her seat, resting her chin on her hands. “We should try to get to know each other. My full name is Zoë Hanji, but I just go by Hanji since Zoë sounds too girly and I’m not about that. What about you? Any other name besides Levi?”

Levi kept silent, staring at his empty bowl. He couldn’t tell her anything. He couldn’t tell anyone anything.

“...Okay, just Levi, then. Ah, where are you from?”

He didn’t say a word. Was this a trick? No, that wouldn’t make sense. But why did she keep asking questions? Couldn’t she just leave him alone?

Levi crossed his arms across his chest, wishing she would leave.

“I… guess you don’t want to talk right now. That’s fine! It is still early.” Hanji sounded dejected as she shuffled around. “We’ll try again later, right?”

Again, Levi didn’t answer.

***

For the rest of the day, Hanji asked him more questions. What movies and books did he like? What was his favorite color? Did he like anime or video games? He couldn’t answer any of them, because he didn’t know the answers. He didn’t know anything at all except that there was no place for him in this world. So his mouth remained closed and his head down as he ignored her, only looking when her back was turned, as if to make sure she was real.

By the time evening came, Hanji was dragging her feet but her interrogations persisted. Levi’s skin prickled with irritation, hands twitching whenever she spoke. Why couldn’t she just give it a rest? Why couldn’t everyone just leave him be?

“You really don’t want to talk, do you?” she sighed. “That’s fine. Sorry, I just get excited when someone else is here. It’s usually so desolate, ya know? Empty.”

Her words drew his eyes to her. She was staring wistfully at her clasped hands, eyes hooded, hair falling in front of them. She looked alone.

Levi’s mouth opened, but he couldn’t find the words. It fell closed once more.

***

_Red again. Why red? Why did it coat his hands and crawl up his body, burning, melting? Why wouldn’t it go away? He wanted it to go away, all of it, everything. It was too much. Too much. Too much._

_But now there was something else, too, heavy in his right hand. When he wrapped his fingers around it, he found it to be the neck of a bottle, cold and hard. Bile rose in his throat as he tried to throw it away, but it wouldn’t go, stuck like glue._

_A soft light caught his eye, and he saw a shape taking form—a human figure with a mop of hair, broad shoulders. As quickly as it appeared, it was gone, and suddenly the bottle was in pieces around him and the red, the red was spreading faster, flooding his mouth._

_He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t breathe._

_But his vision was spared, and he could see before him a pile of something rancid. Deformed and demented. They were long and doughy, pink and red, all in a neat little mound. He could hear the noises of them squishing and squelching, as if they were being cut up. And then they were gone, a kitten in their place, staring at him with blue eyes. Staring. Staring._

_He couldn’t breathe! He couldn’t breathe! He was gagging on the red liquid, choking on it, coughing it up!_

_Help him! Help him! Why was nobody helping him? Why was he all alone?_  

Levi screamed himself awake. He clutched at his throat, still tasting it, and ran to the bathroom, hunching over the toilet where he vomited. Once his stomach was empty and all he was coughing up was bile, he sobbed. Horrible sounds, like a dying animal, and he let them all flood out.

He jumped when he felt a handle on his shoulder, looking up to see Hanji, who was mouthing something at him, but he was shaking violently and the blood roared in his ears. He buried his face in his hands, digging his nails into his cheeks, and screamed more. It hurt. He was dying. Oh God, he was dying!

“—evi. Levi. Listen to me, okay? Listen to my voice.”

His heart was hammering against his ribs, breath lost on him. He was dying, he was dying.

“Listen to me. Take deep breaths, okay? In and out.”

He couldn’t feel his own body. Oh God! Why! Why!

“Levi, listen. Look at me.” There were hands on his side, and suddenly he was turned to Hanji. He stared at her.

“Deep breaths. In and out.”

So he sucked in breath after breath, coughing and wheezing, trying to find his voice. “Why— Why— Fucking why— Why me…”

Hanji shushed him, but as his voice returned to him he began to speak faster, unable to stop. It felt so good to tell someone. “I never wanted to be alone, please. I hate it. I hate being alone. I just wanted someone. I never meant this! Why the fuck do I always have to be alone!”

A hand offered him some pills. He took them with trembling hands and swallowed them without second thought, still talking. He was alone, so alone. It hurt to be alone.

But he couldn’t keep at it forever, and soon his voice gave out, and then he sat in silence with Hanji on the cool bathroom tile. As soon as he calmed down, he started to regret his babbling. Just as he was about to take his belongings and leave the house, Hanji spoke quietly.

“You’re not the only one, you know? I’m alone, too. My parents are hardly parents and the only friend I ever had moved away.” She brought her knees to her chest. “I wanted you to stay because I thought we could be friends. I hate being alone, too. Humans are social creatures, so it hurts like a bitch.” 

Levi looked at her, seeing again that familiar sight of isolation. His lips parted. He almost wanted to reach out, touch what is surely his reflection in a different body. Himself. He’d found someone like himself. 

When he started speaking again, he didn’t stop for hours. On and on about solitude, betrayal, hurt, surging out in one burst. God, it felt so good to let it out. He needed more.

He talked himself exhausted, throat aching and eyelids drooping. When Hanji began to reply about herself, he let himself fall asleep.

***

“Levi!”

“What?”

“I’m heading out to the store for more milk, I’ll be back in a few minutes!”

Levi watched her through the window before peering at his unused bike. Two weeks had passed. Levi had meant to leave earlier, he did, but the feeling of release he got by talking to Hanji was too overwhelming. Even so, every day he was reminded of the police that were surely on their way to Trost. They would go door-to-door asking about him. The thought of getting caught, being locked up, made his gut wrench.

“I’m back!” Hanji called, the door snapping shut behind her.

“Hanji.”

“Yeah?”

“You’d do a favor for me, right? Like hiding me from a bad person?”

Hanji froze. Despite everything, Levi refused to tell her why exactly he was in Trost. Even so, she had eventually stopped prying, which took a weight off Levi’s shoulders. “Erm, sure. That’s what friends are for, right?”

She grinned, and Levi pursed his lips. He didn’t need a friend. He’d never needed a friend. The only person he needed had misunderstood him. But if it appeased her and kept her willing to listen to his rambling, then so be it.

And so it went on. Levi spoke to her about his loneliness, and she listened and understood. That was all he wanted. Of course, she spoke about herself in return, but Levi was always thinking too much to pay attention. Why should it concern him, anyway?

“You remind me of my old friend, Levi. I think you two would get along. I’ll introduce you guys if he ever comes back.”

Apathetically, Levi gave the obligatory response, lifting a fork of spaghetti to his mouth. “What’s his name?”

“Ah, it’s Erwin Smith.”

The fork clattered to the table.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rip.
> 
> Thanks for reading~ Feel free to comment, especially on that... twist? ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	20. Cognizance of the Self

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: self-hatred, self-harm.

Levi couldn’t think. Not at all. He stared numbly into the spaghetti, mouth opening and closing and opening again with no sound coming out.

“Levi? You okay?”

He lifted his head slowly, accidentally meeting Hanji’s eyes, narrowed in concern. Finally, he drew in a breath and said, “Erwin Smith? In Sina Hills Mesa?”

Hanji straightened. “Yeah! You know him? Wow, small world!”

He was backing up in his chair, shaking his head slightly, subconsciously. It couldn’t be. It couldn’t be.

“Describe him.”

“I— What?”

“I said  _ describe him, _ Hanji. Just do it.”

Hanji tilted her head at him. “Ah, okay… Well, he’s pretty tall, muscular, all that. Blond hair and blue eyes. Erm… Those are all his notable features, haha.”

There was a sharp pain behind Levi’s eyes. His hands were trembling in his lap. Oh, God. Oh, God!

“Oh, but in terms of personality, he’s nice. Serious a lot of the time, but really caring. Smart, too. I always feel like a dumbass around him. Uh, you sure you’re okay?”

He hadn’t realized he’d covered his eyes with his hands. Digging his fingernails into the skin beneath his brows, he sucked in breath after breath, shaky and light. She was lying. He was dreaming. Something, anything, just please, God, don’t do this to him!

“Levi!” He jumped at the feeling of hands on his back. “Jesus, it’s alright. You’re okay. What happened?”

“Show me,” he murmured, “a picture. A photo of him.”

_ Please, please, please. _

And so Hanji did. Down the hall, Levi heard her rummage through her drawers, then the patter of feet, and then he was staring into the eyes of Erwin Smith.

But… it wasn’t the Erwin Smith he knew. This one was different. Younger, with a smaller build and shaggier hair. The eyes were the same, though—bright blue, shimmering, alive.

_ Alive, alive, alive. A human being. A person. A person who was alive. A person who is no longer alive. _

Levi ran to the bathroom, where he promptly vomited into the toilet. His throat burned and mouth reeked, and his hands were violently shaking, gripping at the porcelain seat like a lifeline. He couldn’t get Smith’s face out of his head, looking right at him, smiling. Then he thought of the way that face had turned pale, the way that body had been cut and buried and—!

More vomit. Retching. Coughing. It burned, it burned, it all burned.

From the right, a hand offering a tissue. Levi took it, hastily wiping his lips and nose. Only when he stopped wheezing did Hanji speak.

“What happened? What caused that? Did something bad happen between you and Erwin?”

_ Erwin. Not “Smith.” Erwin. A person. A person. _

“No.”

Hanji paused before sinking down to the floor beside him.

“Did… Did something happen to him?” she asked hesitantly.

Levi didn’t reply, swallowing the lump in his throat.

“You don’t want to talk about it, then?”

He didn’t speak, didn’t move. What  _ did  _ he want? How could he know?

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Hanji seemed to want to say something, parting and closing her lips the way Levi had.

“Just say it,” Levi spat, surprising himself. He bit his tongue.

Hanji sighed. “I just… wanted to ask you how he is, but I didn’t think it was appropriate right now.”

Levi’s gut tightened. He bit down harder on his tongue, wanting to bite it clear off, to bleed out and die.

“Just— He’s a good guy, you know? Or at least that’s how I knew him. He cares about his grades and his future, wants to be a doctor.”

Levi closed his eyes, trying to imagine Smith—Erwin—in a white coat with a stethoscope around his neck, but all he could see was his cold, stiff body. His hands tingled. He could still feel the blood on them.

“He really loves his family and friends, too. Never did date, though, while I knew him. Said he was waiting for the right person or some shit.”

Levi’s chest ached at the sudden, sharp memory of Eren and Erwin wrapped up in each other. He balled his fists, trying to force the thought away, but it returned with full force as he recalled the bottle in his hands, bringing it down with euphoria.

“When he still lived here, we used to go into town and—”

“Hanji,” Levi whispered, hearing her gasp.

“Oh, right, sorry! Um, should I…?”

“Leave, please.”

She did, closing the door behind her. Levi raised his hand from the cool tiled floor to lock it. For some time, he sat with his knees to his chest, eyes fixated on the wall, stomach twisting. He hated himself. He  _ hated _ himself. He was a monster, he deserved to die—wanted to die, to strangle the life out of himself.

The burn in his body unbearable, he dragged his nails down his left wrist, gasping at the sting. It hurt, it hurt.

_ You deserve this. You fucking deserve this. Do it again. _

He did it again, eyes screwed shut, opening to see the skin an angry red.

_ It’s not enough. More. _

Scratching furiously at one wrist and then the other, he felt hot tears scorch his cheeks, and then his chest was heaving with sob after sob because it hurt, it hurt so much, and no amount of blood could make up for what he’d done.

Hanji pounded on the door, demanding he open it, and he screamed at her to go away. She did.

With arms bloody and flesh beneath his nails, he buried his head in his palms. With eyes closed, he could see the outlines of people, of Kenny and Erwin and Marco and Krista, Jean, Connie, Sasha, and  _ Eren. _ Beautiful Eren.

Levi wanted to see them all burn.

***

In the middle of the night, Levi crept out of the bedroom. Acting quietly, he gathered his things, piled food into his bag, refilled his water bottles, and sidled out the door.

The frosty air nipped at him, but he didn’t care, climbing onto his bike and taking off. Racing down the street, he sped out of Trost and onto the open road, down from where he’d come. Under the light of the moon, he pumped his feet until they were sore, not stopping even then. Recollecting every turn, he rode like an animal, hunched over and breathing harshly, uncaring about being seen or caught or killed.

The only thing he wanted was to see Eren, to hold him and be with him just once before he died, and be with Eren he would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh oh spaghettios  
> We got to see another side to Levi! ^^ I love complex characters. (Hopefully I've succeeded in that complexity, omg)  
> Thank you for reading! Comments are welcome and encouraged.~


	21. Pretend to Love Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: attempted rape.

After hours of pumping his legs, Levi veered to the side of the road and collapsed. The ground was firm but the grass soft, grazing his cheek. He wanted to stay there—to fall asleep and never wake up. But his heart ached to see Eren again, to touch him and hold him.

He pushed himself upright, digging through his bag for snacks. Even though they were Hanji’s, the apples tasted bitter to him, as if they’d left their sweetness in Trost. The sun was high in the sky when Levi set off again.

He didn’t pull his hood up or turn away when passing cars, opting instead to speed up. Sparsely eating and drinking and only taking sporadic naps, he biked along the routes he’d committed to memory, determination keeping him moving. Even so, sometimes he’d collapse or faint—or worse, have horrible dreams that rendered him immobile for half an hour, unable to do anything except stare listlessly into the sky.

It took him two days to reach Sina Hills Mesa, arriving soon after dusk had fallen. It was just as he’d left it, and he found his palms sweating against the handlebars as he made his way through the streets.

It was quiet and peaceful, just as it’d always been. For a moment, Levi hoped that maybe Kenny hadn’t reported him, or the police had dismissed the case, or no one cared enough to look for him. But rounding a corner, he spotted his own face in black-and-white.  _ Missing: Levi Ackerman. _

Not caring to read the rest, he tore it down.

His heart leapt into his throat as he neared Eren’s house. It was the same, too. Cozy and pristine. Levi walked his bike to the side of the house, hiding it in the bushes before latching onto the familiar tree. And up he climbed, the bark as sharp as it’d been the first time he’d grabbed it—and when he got high enough, through the window, the sight of Eren sleeping had not changed but for the fact that now he was facing Levi. Lips parted slightly, his chest rose and fell like calm ocean waves.

Levi’s eyes stung, and he blinked away his tears, leaning outward to reach the glass. He tapped his knuckles against it. When Eren didn’t move, he tapped harder, and soon he was slapping his palm roughly to the pane.

Eren’s brow furrowed, green eyes blinking before blearily fixating on Levi. Then he jolted upright, staring. Levi mouthed at him to open the window. Eren stayed put, disbelieving eyes glued to Levi until another knock startled him.

“Eren,” Levi said despite knowing that Eren couldn’t hear him. “Please let me in.”

Slowly, Eren trudged to the window. Levi’s skin tingled as he heard the sound of locks, and then the barrier between them was lifted and he couldn’t wait, couldn’t hold himself back.

Eren barely got out the words “Levi, where—” before Levi’s lips were attached to his.

Eren’s mouth was soft and warm, and Levi took advantage of his gasp to plunder it, hastily prodding his cheeks with his own tongue, swiping it across smooth teeth and entangling it with Eren’s.

Wrapping Eren in his arms, holding him against himself, Levi silently cried. Eren was so beautiful, but he didn’t understand, could never understand. Levi needed him. Needed to feel his body and be with him and never feel alone again.

He walked them towards Eren’s bed, grasping Eren tight. Euphoria raced through his veins. It wasn’t enough, would never be enough, and yet he was so happy, uncaring of the new wetness on his face as now Eren was crying, too.

Levi knew that the longing in his heart would never be satisfied, but maybe a different longing could be.

Taking both of Eren’s wrists in one hand, he pinned them as he worked on his pants. He got one button undone before Eren ripped himself free and kicked him, landing him on the floor.

“Stop!” Eren cried, voice heavy. “Please, stop—!”

Levi threw himself back onto him, capturing his mouth and hands. Holding them tighter, he reached down to unzip his pants, shoving them down. Eren began thrashing and biting, his yells muffled but persistent. He bit down on Levi’s tongue, blood ruining the taste of honey that Levi had been savoring.

He withdrew, only to draw back a hand and slap Eren across the cheek.

“Shut up, Eren,” he whispered scathingly. “Just shut the fuck up. I’ve loved you for so long, and you’ve done  _ nothing _ for me.”

Shocked, Eren didn’t reply, cupping his reddened skin.

“At least  _ pretend _ to enjoy it. Pretend to love me.”

With that, he returned to Eren’s lips, sucking the blood away. For a moment, Eren didn’t resist, and Levi’s groin was beginning to throb again. Quickly, he took the hem of Eren’s boxers between his fingers, just about to pull them down, when Eren unfroze and Levi was pushed backwards with even greater force, knocking his head against the wall.

Immediately, Eren began to scream.

Levi’s blood ran ice-cold. No, he wasn’t ready to leave Eren yet, he didn’t have enough time—gripping Eren’s hair, he slammed his head against the headboard. The screaming stopped.

Scooping Eren up into his arms, he rushed to the window, eyeing the distance to the ground. The faint sound of footsteps propelled him forward and out, clutching Eren as he fell, grunting at the sting from his feet hitting the ground.

Adrenaline coursing through him, he hurried to mount his bike, sitting Eren behind him with arms encircling Levi’s waist.

It was nearly impossible to bike like this. The limp form kept teetering and interfering with his balance—not to mention the added weight. And what about once Eren woke up? No, he needed something better. He needed a car.

Swallowing his nerves, he stopped in front of Kenny’s house, his old home. Leaving Eren around the corner, he knocked with a quaking fist.

Upon seeing him, Kenny adopted the same expression as Eren: surprised and skeptical, as if suspecting this were a dream. Then, all at once, a grin broke out on his face. Levi dodged his attempt at a hug.

“Let me in,” he demanded, and Kenny obliged.

Keeping his eyes down, Levi gathered the car keys from the coffee table, and—after a moment’s consideration—duct tape from the office and a knife from the kitchen. He winced as a hand landed on his shoulder.

“We need to talk,” Kenny said.

“No we fucking don’t.” He shrugged the hand off and marched to the door, not pausing to look back. “Don’t you dare fucking follow me.”

Pulling the door closed behind himself, he collected Eren and deposited him into the back seat of the car, fixing tape over his mouth, hands, and feet. By the time he was sitting in the driver’s seat, his head was pounding with the urge to cry, recalling his own words to his uncle.

_ Monster. You’re a monster. _

Shakily and slowly he ignited the engine, forcing himself to start driving. As soon as he was out of town, he blared the radio in hopes of drowning out his ugly sobs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> O.  
> I hope you... enjoyed? this chapter, lmao. Thank you for reading! ^^ As always, feel free to comment, etc.


	22. Confrontation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: kidnapping, vague self-hatred and self-harm.

For the first forty minutes, Levi drove in silence. Eren, still unconscious, lay without a sound, and Levi resolved not to look at him, keeping his eyes firmly glued to the road.

But he couldn’t help himself when he heard rustling behind him, glancing back to see Eren shuffling and groaning through the tape, eyes slowly blinking open. He seemed to remember what had happened all at once, suddenly starting to shout unintelligible words and thrash in his seat.

Still looking back, Levi almost steered off the road, swerving at the last second. He couldn’t ignore it anymore—Eren’s muffled screams gnawed at his brain, picked it away, and soon his hands were clenched at the wheel, knuckles white.

He couldn’t take it. Eren sounded pitiful, like a dying animal. He couldn’t handle it.

Pulling over to the side of the road, Levi got out. He opened Eren’s door and leaned over him with knife in hand, sawing through the tape around his hands and feet before ripping it from his mouth and backing away.

Eren’s brows furrowed. He stared at Levi in confusion, cautiously stretching out his legs. Levi returned the stare, peering endlessly into those beautiful emerald eyes.

But as soon as he moved to close the door, Eren lunged forward, shoving past him. And then he was running.

“Shit!” Levi exclaimed, bolting after him, but Eren’s long legs carried him far. He sprinted without looking back, arms pumping, breaths heavy, and Levi sped up until his chest burned, but Eren only grew farther away.

If it hadn’t been for the fact that Eren’s feet, clad only in socks, stepped on a sharp rock, he surely would have escaped. But instead he yelped and fell, and before he could push himself up, Levi had tackled him to the ground.

Holding down a struggling Eren, he felt a rush of fury. “You fucking whore! Useless fucking cunt!”

Again, Levi gripped his hair and knocked his head into the ground. Placing the limp body back into the car, his veins bulged in his arms as he tied him back up. And so what if he made the restraints a bit too tight.

***

After an hour and a half of driving, Levi was being eaten away again. Eren hadn’t woken up again, but he couldn’t stop throwing glances back at him, seeing his limbs sealed together, trapped. He tapped the wheel.

It was like a heavy lead ball in his gut, getting larger by the minute. Turning on the radio did nothing. Even looking at the clouds did nothing.

For a moment, he glanced at the expanse of grass outside, wondering. Should he…?

No. No, he needed to be with Eren this last time. Eren could fuck off afterwards for all he cared.

Still, he was relieved for Eren’s unconsciousness. Levi couldn’t stand listening to his screams.

***

Trost was the same all but for a thick fog that hung over the town. Levi had to squint as he navigated through it, finally finding a corner behind a building to abandon the car, stepping out into the chilly air.

He held Eren in his arms as he walked, careful not to get the knife too close to him. The sight of Hanji’s door served to warm him a little. He knocked, and within seconds, Hanji was staring owlishly at him.

“What the hell?” she said, sounding none too pleased. “Where have you been? You just up and left me! And who the hell are you carrying?”

Levi shivered in the cold, wearing only a T-shirt and shorts. “Hanji, I can’t explain it. Just let me stay here for a little while, alright?”

When he tried to go in, Hanji stepped in front of him. “What the absolute shit do you mean? I’m not letting you stay here until I get an explanation. Why is that guy tied up with tape? Why are you holding a  _ knife? _ ”

“Just let me in.”

“ _ No. _ Tell me who that is and what you’re doing.”

His skin was going numb. “His name is Eren. I need someplace to stay with him for a few days and this is all I’ve got.”

“Why is he tied up?”

He hesitated, but after a moment’s thought, found that he just didn’t care anymore. “Because I don’t want him to fight me or run away.”

Hanji took a step backward. “What the f—  _ You kidnapped someone? _ ”

“No, no, you don’t understand. I just… Something happened. I won’t be around much longer, and I  _ need _ to be with him. This was the only way. I’ll let him go after a few days, I swear. Please.”

Hanji considered it, gazing at him and Eren and back to him. She sighed. “Fine. But you can’t hurt him at all. If I see a scratch on him, I’m calling the fucking cops.”

She stepped aside, and Levi walked in, relishing the warmth.

“You can put him in the same spare bedroom,” she mumbled.

He did, making sure to tuck Eren under the blankets. If it weren’t for the tape and dirt, he would’ve looked peaceful.

***

Levi circled the top of his mug with his fingertip, looking anywhere except the girl at the other end of the table.

Hanji had inspected Eren’s head and concluded that he should be awake within a day and that the injury was nothing serious. So Levi was waiting anxiously, blood racing, the sweet aroma of tea doing nothing to soothe him. He heard Hanji sip from her own cup, knowing that her eyes were fixed on him.

“Are you ever going to tell me what happened? Why you were gone, where you went?”

Levi’s mouth twitched. He wanted to say it, all of it. It was just sitting on the tip of his tongue.

_ I killed him. _ Why was it so hard to say? Why couldn’t he do it?

“Christ, you’re a pretty shitty friend—”

“I hated him, you know,” he interjected, surprising even himself. “Erwin Smith. I hated him.”

Silence. He couldn’t meet Hanji’s eyes. In the tea, his reflection glared at him.

“Why?” she finally asked.

“He took away the one I love, kept him all to himself. I hated looking at him, hated hearing him, hated breathing the same air as him. I hated him  _ so much, _ and I—” He choked.

“You…?”

“I…” His throat closed up. He couldn’t say it.

“Fuck!” he yelled, standing and pushing his chair to the floor, pulling at his hair. “Fucking useless! I’m so fucking  _ useless _ !”

“Levi…”

“Don’t fucking talk to me!” He tore down the hallway and into the spare room, slamming the door behind him.

He sat there, leaning against the door with his eyes closed, scratching at his scabbed wrist. Only the sound of blankets moving made him lift his head, and then he immediately got to his feet.

This time, Eren promptly came to his senses. As soon as he caught sight of Levi, he began to scream through the tape and furiously whip his body around like a rabid beast. Levi pinned him, leaning down to add more weight, when Eren bucked wildly and knocked him onto the floor.

The door flew open. “What’s happening? Are you hurting him?”

Levi grunted. “No. Fucker keeps screaming, I need to shut him up.”

“No. You’re not giving him another head injury. He’ll tire himself out.”

“But people—!”

“No one will hear. I have no neighbors and these walls are thick.”

She tried to take him by the arm, but he pushed her away, shuffling out the door by himself. Even then, he could hear the commotion, as if a demon was set loose.

“You can’t talk to him like this, anyway,” Hanji insisted. “Wait until he’s calm.”

***

On the first day, the screaming had stopped. When Levi entered the room, Eren was awake but silent and still. Never calm, though.

As he took a seat on the edge of the bed, Eren glared at him with eyes that radiated familiar, fiery hatred.

Unable to speak, Levi left.

***

He returned on the second day, having had practiced to himself.

“Eren, please listen to me. I won’t hurt you. I just want to talk to you. Please listen to me.”

The glaring continued.

“Please, let’s just talk. I’ll be fine with just that. I only want to be with you. Please. Nod if you’ll talk to me.”

Only hateful glaring.

“Please, let’s just talk. I love you.”

It intensified. Levi’s heart burned and head ached as he knew that Eren hated him entirely, just as he himself had hated Erwin Smith. For the second time, unable to take it, he left.

***

On day three, he was determined.

“Okay, I’m going to take the tape off your mouth. Talk with me.”

Eren winced as it was ripped off, spitting out a “Go to hell.”

Levi dragged in a slow breath. “Can you just fucking  _ listen to me _ and stop being so goddamn annoying?”

“Let me the fuck go. You’re disgusting. I hate you.”

_ IhateyouIhateyouIhateyou. _

“Fuck you! Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!” Levi roared, fisting Eren’s shirt and violently shaking him. Eren was yelling, but Levi shouted over him. “You piece of shit, you never loved me! You never did anything for me!”

Louder did Eren scream. “ _ Why should I? You’re a psychopath! Let me go or I’ll kill you! _ ”

“Like I killed Erwin?”

Eren froze, staring blankly at him, unable to process it. Levi couldn’t stop himself.

“I fucking killed him, beat him to death with an alcohol bottle. Then I chopped him up and dumped him in the woods. What do you think of that?”

Silence.

“And I did it for you, so it’s all your fucking fault!”

And Eren began to wail incoherently, tears soaking the pillow.

Hanji removed Levi from the room.

***

On day four, Eren wouldn’t so much as open his eyes. On days five and six, he was back to screaming at Levi, promising to kill him.

Levi spent day seven alone in his room, drowning in Eren’s words, wanting to destroy himself. He managed to give himself a few new scars.

Day eight was when Hanji asked him about when he’d leave.

“It’s already been a week. If Eren hasn’t let you talk to him by now, he never will.”

She was right. Eren would never speak with him, let Levi touch him or hold him. They could never be together. It must’ve all been doomed from the start.

“Just one more day. Then you’ll never see me again.”

It was all pointless. Everything. And even so, he still owed Eren one thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is approaching its end, but there are still a couple chapters to go!  
> Thanks for reading! I love comments, kudos, etc.~ ^^


	23. The Final Plea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: suicidal ideation, physical fighting.

The knife was heavy in Levi’s hand as he made his way to the guest bedroom, closing the door behind him as he entered. He couldn’t meet Eren’s eyes and opted to stare at the floor, walking slowly, without rush, until he was leaning over Eren. His grip on the handle tightened.

Eren didn’t say a word as he sawed through the tape around his wrists and ankles. Didn’t even move until Levi stepped back and looked at him expectantly, and then he sat up cautiously, rolling his hands and stretching his legs.

“You’re letting me go…?” Eren asked warily, as if it were a trick.

Levi’s heart burned, head ached, body hurt all over. He didn’t want to. Seeing Eren now, his wide green eyes and tan skin, he only wanted to hug him and hold him and be with him. But he couldn’t. He was a monster, and Eren hated him. He hated himself. Monsters don’t deserve to be loved.

“…Yes,” he responded, barely a whisper. “But I want you to do something first, for your own sake. Please.”

He placed the knife on the bed beside Eren, who eyed it as if it would fly at him, his muscles stiff and taut with nerves. Levi’s own heart was racing, palms slick with sweat that he didn’t bother to wipe away. Why was he afraid? He had no right to be.

“I… don’t understand,” Eren murmured, and Levi’s stomach lurched.  _ Please don’t make me say it. _

“Yes, you do,” he insisted. “Please do it. It’s… your justice.”

Truth be told, Levi couldn’t give less of a shit about justice. He just wanted to be gone. All he ever felt anymore was hatred—for the world, for the people, but most of all for himself. It consumed him, ate away at him until he was hollow and numb, and then it returned later for more. And even gazing at Eren, remembering his laugh and smile, wasn’t enough to soothe the indescribable pain he felt whenever he saw his own reflection.

“Are you telling me to kill you?” Eren’s words were cold, almost uncaring if not for a hint of hesitation. Levi hung his head, feeling ashamed.  _ Coward. _

“It’s the best I can do for you now. It’s the best option for everyone. I don’t have a gun, so that’ll have to do.” He paused, and then, more quietly, “I just ask that you don’t drag it on for too long.”

His voice was heavy, eyes glistening with unshed tears that he struggled to keep in. Monsters don’t get to cry. He closed them and waited.

Levi gave Eren, who’d been screaming at him in rage, promising with a glare to end him, his chance. Of course he thought Eren would take it, given how much he despised him. Eren wanted Levi gone, too—would be happier without him. So he waited through the seconds and minutes, trembling slightly, anticipating a stab but not knowing where to expect it. But there was nothing. He swore if he listened closely enough, he could hear Eren thinking, carefully considering his options. Weighing them. Until finally…

“No.”

Levi’s eyes shot open. Eren stared at him with an expression of anger, fear, reluctance. “W-what?”

“I said no. I’m not going to do that. I’m just going to leave.”

His heart dropped like a stone into his stomach. “No, wait, please. You wanted this, remember? This is your chance to keep your promise.”

“Why would I want to keep my promise to you?” Eren sneered. He acted revolted, and maybe he was, but Eren was still Eren and he still wore his heart on his sleeve. Levi knew—it wasn’t that Eren wouldn’t do it, it was that he  _ couldn’t. _ And it was at his realization that Levi began to panic.

“You  _ have _ to. This is the only way you can avenge Erwin—I killed Erwin. I murdered him.”

Eren’s nostrils flared. “You’re a fucking monster. You don’t deserve this favor.”

“Please. You want to do it, so just do it already. What if I kill more people? What if I kill your family or friends?” The walls were closing in on him. He couldn’t do this anymore, he couldn’t do this anymore. “Are you a fucking coward, Eren? Is that it? Kill me, you pussy!”

“You’re pathetic.” It was spat, like Levi was worse than shit on the bottom of his shoes. And he was. He was.

“ _ Please, _ Eren.” He couldn’t stop the tears anymore. They rolled pitifully down his face. “Kill me. Just kill. Please just kill me.”

The walls were crushing him now. It hurt to breathe. His chest burned like fire—holding his head in his hands, he dragged in gulp after gulp of air, trying his damndest to focus. Through blurry vision, he saw Eren sitting in the exact same location looking only slightly more confused.

“Please, Eren, I—”

“What the fuck happened to you?”

Levi frantically  blinked, thinking. He didn’t mean to start talking, but suddenly he was, and Eren didn’t interrupt him. “I— I fell in love with you when I saw you. You’re so beautiful and I just wanted… I just wanted to be with you… I thought we would, and that’s so fucking stupid. I’m so fucking stupid. I just didn’t want to be alone anymore and I was scared of someone taking you away, but I’ll always be alone. No one will love me, and I don’t deserve it. I fucking hate myself so much.”

He rubbed his eyes with his palms, exhausted and defeated.

“This is the only right I can do for you. Please, Eren.”

Levi peered up, expecting to see sadness or conflict over what to do, because his Eren was kind and warm and sympathetic. But he only saw unadulterated disgust, lip curled and eyes narrowed. Disgust and nothing else, brimming in each of Eren’s venomous words.

“I’m not a  _ murderer _ like you. And I won’t give you such an easy way out.”

Levi went pale as a sheet. Eren wouldn’t do it. But he had to get out. He couldn’t take this anymore, he wanted to die,  _ he wanted to die. _

Lunging toward the knife, his hands clasped around air as Eren snatched it away from him, and he choked on a sob. Would Eren be so cruel as to deprive him of this, too?

“I just told you I won’t give you the easy way out. You’re going to face every single thing you have coming.”

Levi imagined going to prison, forced to live in a filthy cell, surrounded by other monsters just like him. “No!” He grasped again for the knife, knocking into Eren and sending them both tumbling to the floor, the blade clattering a few meters away, just in front of the door. Pushing himself up, he stumbled forward, reaching out, but a hand wrapped around his ankle and then there was a flare of pain in his chin.

Yellow spots dotted his vision. To his right, Eren crawled hastily to the knife. Levi rolled to the side, pinning him flat to the ground, setting a knee on his stomach when Eren threw a punch at his cheek. Head whipping around, he fell backwards, and the taste of iron filled his mouth.

Eren was climbing to his feet unsteadily, swaying—Levi extended his leg and swiped Eren off his feet, unflinching at the  _ thud, _ continuing to move forward.

The knife was within an arm’s reach when the door flew open, sweeping it across the room. Hanji looked down at him accusingly, not waiting for anyone else to speak first. “The police are here.”

With newfound adrenaline, he pushed himself to his feet. “What?”

“The police are here,” she repeated. “They asked if I knew you, I said you’re here. They want to talk.”

His eyes darted to the window, then to Eren, who still lay on the floor. “Tell them to come here.”

Looking suspicious, Hanji left anyway, and Levi rushed to unlock and open the window, clambering out into the bitterly cold air, the knife forgotten. He didn’t spare any glances to the left or right, only needing to get away, to escape.

And so he ran, the sound of shouting soon filling his ears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg, the next chapter is the last one. :o  
>  ~~I apologize in advance for the upcoming ending.~~  
>  Thank you for reading!! Feel free to leave feedback and/or kudos!


	24. A Return to Nothing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end is here.  
> Warnings: major character injury and death.  
> Also, I've updated the playlist a bit: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLJC_BuUvwOfSHGAemESxyxavLR0Y4oqqm

It didn’t take long for the sound of sirens to fill the air.

Levi bolted through the streets, twisting and turning through alleyways in an attempt to lose them, but they only grew closer. When he came to the road leading out of Trost, he sprinted alongside it and then farther, into the forest.

He knew they were right behind them, saw the flashing lights and heard the cars. He also knew they were abandoning the cars to chase him on foot, and he let out an anguished grunt, forcing himself to ignore the burning in his legs.

“Stop!” they yelled, among other things, but only  _ Stop _ stood out to Levi. Should he let himself be arrested, tried, imprisoned? Would that make Eren happy?

But he couldn’t take it—imagining himself trapped there with others just like him, other  _ monsters. _ Fuck Eren’s happiness. He couldn’t go there, couldn’t stay here.

So he ran and ran and ran some more, looping around trees even though he couldn’t throw them off, not while he was panting like a dog, his socked feet crushing leaves and sticks. His entire body ached and boiled like he was drowning, but they were still behind him, shouting and shining their flashlights and oh God, they were getting closer.

Levi made a sharp right turn, pushing into thick shrubbery, clawing his way through it as his clothes were torn, skin sliced. When he emerged from the other side, he took off once more, listening to the exclamations of surprise behind him. He’d given himself more time, but not enough, never enough. They would keep chasing him, never stopping until he was caught…

He forced himself to a stop. In front of him, the ground broke off into a steep cliff, the land below a faraway blur. Heart pounding, he took an instinctive step backwards before closing his eyes and bracing himself. Levi wanted to be thankful for the chance at escape, happy that it would be over, but his hands were trembling and head spinning and he was so afraid, so terrified—

He leapt off the edge. The wind tore through him, whistling in his ears as he fell, and he tried desperately to maneuver himself so that his head would make first impact, but he couldn’t seem to turn his feet upward and the ground was rushing at him and then it all happened within a flash, pain flaring up from his ankles following two resounding cracks.

Levi wanted to cry out, but he bit hard into his sleeve, shaking violently at the waves of agony like white-hot fire. There were footsteps growing near, voices exchanging words—he tried to push himself up, but his crooked purple legs remained unmoving. Prepared to slice his wrists on the rocks, he frantically scanned the area, catching sight of a small crevice in the cliffside and opting to drag his broken body forwards, unable to help the quiet grunts and groans.

The cave was dark and secluded. Covering as much of himself as possible with dirt and leaves, he waited. There was nothing else to do.

***

It didn’t take long for the police to move on to a different area. In that time, Levi’s legs grew swollen, remaining unnaturally bent. It no longer hurt unless he moved, which he saw no point in—he couldn’t stand or walk, and no one was here who he could call out to. Even if there was, even if he could walk just fine, he wouldn’t want to, only doing so out of an instinctive sense of self-preservation. So in a sense, he was thankful for his situation. It left him no other option than to sit in that cave and think.

He thought of Eren first, of course, but it was fleeting. Too painful—breaking his legs hadn’t compared.

Some part of him tried to think of Erwin, but a larger part forced it away. He was a coward. Reflecting on Erwin Smith was too daunting a mountain for a coward to scale.

Others flashed through his mind, as well: Kenny’s hand wrapped around a bottle, Marco’s bloodied form, Krista’s incredulous expression, Hanji’s mistrustful eyes.

Image after image after image.

***

He didn’t eat. He didn’t drink. The cave grew colder.

Throat dry and stomach twisting, he cried, tears wetting his cracked lips. His head felt about ready to burst.

The pain stopped after a few days.

***

Levi felt calm. Floating on a cloud. Happy at last.

This was nice, pleasant. Not bad at all.

There was someone beside him. Who? A little girl with dirty blond hair and brown eyes? He knew this person. It was Petra. Why was she here? He tried to ask, but his lips wouldn’t move. She was there and then she wasn’t. And…

And now Eren was here beside him, smiling! His green eyes were twinkling and the skin around his eyes crinkled and he was so beautiful, always so beautiful.

Levi tried to tell Eren that he loved him, but he couldn’t. That was okay. Eren already knew.

He was so tired. A nap sounded nice, and the world was fading in and out. Levi blinked, and Eren had disappeared.

Then, letting his eyes slip shut, falling away, Levi was gone, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And it's done!  
> Whoo, that was a ride. I started this in the summer of 2017 and finished on Christmas, omg. Ngl, it's going to feel weird to not sit down almost every Saturday to write.  
> Thank you sm for sticking with me and reading this mess, lmao. I hope you enjoyed it. ^^ Feedback will always be welcome.


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